Healing Imperfectly

600 Days Sober

2012-02-10T15:21:00.000-05:00

Today marks day 600. 600 days sober- imagine that.
I am beginning to look for support groups when I get back. I will likely find an AA meeting that I can attend. I haven't been yet- and it almost seems weird to start going after two years sober- but my major support system (my husband) will be here in Afghanistan by the time I get home....

In The Home Stretch

2012-02-08T15:03:00.000-05:00

I have 83 days left in this country. I hate this place. The good things that have happened here were that I managed to get into good shape- with the last 12 weeks a major push to reduce body fat...and I am still sober. For the record- alcohol is not allowed here, so I feel like I cheated a little. Regardless, this time allowed me to get some serious time on my sobriety calculator.
It won't be too long before I am headed home and will have to deal with the real trials and tribulations of life. This place is some sort of surreal alternate reality where I work a lot, work out a lot, and eat a little bit. I'm not spectacular person for having made it sober here.
The real work starts again when I go home. I am 2 days shy of 600 days sober. That's pretty remarkable for me. I have become more comfortable in my sobriety. People at work know that I am not a drinker and that feels pretty good.

Why Don’t I Want To Get Sober?

2012-01-26T11:55:00.000-05:00

I can’t count how many times I asked myself this question before I finally took the step to clean up. Not wanting to stop drinking was my biggest reason for …well… drinking. Ultimately I felt like IF I actually had a problem I would want to not have that problem anymore. Like the flu. Sort of. No one likes the flu, and everyone wants to be well again. But alcohol isn’t like that for me. Regardless of how shitty it made me feel to wake up with a hangover. Regardless of how much money I spent on alcohol. Regardless of the distance drinking put between me and my family. I still wanted to drink.

I don’t even think I consciously wanted to be sober when I finally gave up drinking for good. I convinced myself that it was to lose weight, to connect with my family, or to prevent health problems that were eventually coming, to improve my memory. But really, I didn’t want to quit.

Thank God my original excuses to quit were convincing enough to keep me sober long enough to realize that I really DO want to be sober.

Always Faithful

2012-01-21T12:52:00.003-05:00

I went to a dignified transfer for 6 fallen Marines today. It is the second one I have been to since I have been here. The first one I attended a couple of weeks ago moved me profoundly. The experience is so emotional and sad and I pledged then that I would go to every one that I could- because if that was my brother, or husband, or son I would hope that others would be there to show respect for their sacrifice.
It was rainy and snowy today. Felt like God was weeping for this loss and for the so many other losses we have experienced here.
Semper Fidelis Brothers. Gone for Never Forgotten.

They played the Marine Corps Hymn

From the Hall of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli;

We fight our country's battles

In the air, on land, and sea;

First to fight for right and freedom

And to keep our honor clean:

We are proud to claim the title

Of United States Marine.

Our flag's unfurled to every breeze

From dawn to setting sun;

We have fought in every clime and place

Where we could take a gun;

In the snow of far-off Northern lands

And in sunny tropic scenes;

You will find us always on the job

The United States Marines.

Here's health to you and to our Corps

Which we are proud to serve;

In many a strife we've fought for life

And never lost our nerve;

If the Army and the Navy

Ever look on Heaven’s scenes;

They will find the streets are guarded

By The United States Marines.

103 days to go!

2012-01-19T13:27:00.000-05:00

It has been a rough couple of weeks here. I am sure if you Google Kandahar you might see a little bit of what we are experiencing. I am grateful to work in a relatively safe place. I had a particularly bad day on Monday. It was sort of odd because after a huge blow-up my minds first thought was- "If I was home I would definitely...." and then I stopped- because normally that would have ended with "get a drink".. but my thought didn't end like that. I thought- wow...normally I would head straight to the bar, or the store, but that's not an option anymore. If I was home I think I would have gotten into bed and pulled the covers over my eyes and laid right there for a while. Or maybe I would have gone to the gym and run a little bit, or gone for a swim. Or maybe I would have really thrown in the towel and gotten some Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream!
One thing Afghanistan has done for me- it has made it easy for me to stay sober. It seems strange to me to see so many fascinated by alcohol. I think they are so narrow minded for equating every fun moment they have had to being drunk. That used to be me : (
I have 103 days left in this country. I have been in the Middle East almost 8 months. I have a lot of things to do when I get home- including finding a job. Right now my job is so intense I'd like to do something that doesn't require any brain power!! I wonder if being a yoga teacher, or a masseuse would pay the bills!?!??! Oh the joy of listening to gentle music and helping others restore their own peace of mind.
103 days.

Happy New Year

2012-01-02T08:01:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year! If you decided 2012 is the year you will be sober- then congratulations on Day 2! If you are considering getting sober- start today. Make up your mind, stop making excuses and do it. The sooner you do the sooner you can stop beating yourself up about being a drunk.
I had a lot of do-overs before I finally quit for good....but I am so glad I did. You're not missing out on anything in life by being sober.
Here's to 2012!

2011 Reflections

2011-12-27T11:58:00.000-05:00

2011 has been my first year totally sober – probably since I was 15 years old. I did, on one occasion, have a “near beer” though it wasn’t because I had a desire to pretend that I could drink. I actually felt remarkably guilty after I had it. When I first stopped drinking I didn’t really understand the big deal with non-alcoholic beer, it seemed like a reasonable alternative to going without. Now it just feels like I am trying to trick myself into thinking it’s ok to drink.

I have spent a majority of this year in Afghanistan. This deployment has changed me profoundly. I feel remarkably older and wiser (though I am definitely not a spring chicken anymore). I have managed to get myself into the best shape, physically, that I have ever been in. And now with the absence of alcohol to derail all of my weight loss I should manage to maintain where I am.

So far I have managed to stay sober without meetings, support groups, or a sponsor. My husband has been my strength, and as a non-drinker himself, always has my back. I love him and appreciate him more than I can ever express. My way may not be the best for everyone- but it has worked for me. I recommend you do whatever is necessary for you to get sober. And in all honesty, I may find a meeting I like when I get home…

In 2012 I plan to maintain my sobriety. I hope that I can help someone else get sober. I also hope that I can keep up with this blog a little more effectively. Posting is horribly tedious over here…. It takes a good 45 minutes just to get connected.
I want to thank everyone who has provided support and advice. I also want to thank all the writers of the blogs I read. Again, my connection makes it extremely difficult to post comments on other blogs but I read faithfully.

The longest month...

2011-12-08T11:57:00.000-05:00

I am feeling pretty homesick lately. I guess it's the combination of having just been home and the holidays. When I first got back to Afghanistan I was tasked with a pretty big project that took up my entire day. Now things have settled down quite a bit and the days just drag on.
I haven't been going to the gym that much either, so I am sure that isn't helping my mood! I need to get motivated to get back in there and keep pushing forward. It's time to plot out a new set of goals and work hard to achieve them.

Thanksgiving in Afghanistan

2011-11-23T11:34:00.002-05:00

I am thankful that I am sober. 17 months.

Back in Afghanistan

2011-11-20T11:25:00.001-05:00

I made back to Afghanistan intact. It was a really long trip! I am exhausted right now and don't have a lot of energy- but wanted to post my status.
Hope you all have a Wonderful Thanksgiving..and eat lots of food for me!!

Finishing What I Started

2011-11-15T13:51:00.000-05:00

I am headed back to Afghanistan tomorrow. It will most likely take me 3 days standing in line, waiting, and flying to get back. It has been a wonderful bit of time off. I have been taking advantage of the time to relax and have had some wonderful conversations with my family. We have eaten out, shopped, and had ice cream for breakfast! I have appx 6 months to go.
We had a few people over for a boxing match this weekend. Most of our friends do not drink when they come over because we don't let them drive if they have been drinking. However, our neighbors came over with a bottle of liquor. While it wasn't a challenge for me not drink it was a pretty big eye opener as to how obnoxious drunk people can be. One of the guys who was here had way too much to drink. Looking back I bet I would have seen his antics as hilarious back when I was drinking. My husband told him at the end of the night (and again the next day so he'd remember) that he would NOT ever been drinking in our house again.
I am so glad to be sober.

Adjusting

2011-11-02T10:45:00.000-04:00

I am so happy to be home. Arriving at home was not without some calamity during the 72 hours it took me to get here (of course)- but I am home now and that’s all that matters.

My step- son asked me how it felt to be home because he said I looked like I was “lost”. It’s true though- I don’t know how to act right now. I have been working 12-13 hour days everyday for the last 5 months, one day off during that time. Now I have time. All the time in the world with no specific tasks to complete.

I find that I am coping with the initial signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am hoping it is just a temporary “readjustment” issue but I am worried. I am uncomfortable in open rooms and find more comfort sitting here in my room than I do in the living room that is open. I started having graphic nightmares 3 months ago. When you hear a loud bang over there everyone experiences the same feeling of “what was that????????..duck and cover”. Being in Afghanistan you have certain amount of …. uncontrollable chaos I guess…that everyone else experiences. We all get it over there. I am fortunate here that I can talk to my husband about all of the stuff that goes on over there and he can relate because he has experienced the same stuff.

Yesterday we were driving and we saw some bizarre random act of violence! We saw a small pickup deliberately ram a car stopped at a stop light…and continue ramming them! The victim finally maneuvered out of the way and sped off with the other car in pursuit. Weird. Normally that sort of thing would have been horribly traumatizing too me. Random acts of violence have always done that to me. Not yesterday though..I just sat back and said … “hmm, don’t see that everyday.”

I understand why drinking becomes a crutch for people with PTSD. I have a strong desire to slow myself to down to a speed that I can handle….or at least make the world appear to slow down. This two weeks home is important to me because I am learning how to cope without drinking with the support of my husband. When I come home for good in May there is a good chance he will be working overseas…. so my major support may not be here when I get home. I am looking for the tools now so I can continue to use them when I get home.

I am approaching 500 days of sobriety. Time sober is like time in Afghanistan- it goes by fast. Sobriety is a gift that allows you to enjoy life more thoroughly. There is not magic pill that you can take to make you WANT to be sober. Sobriety is hard work. For a long time I felt like there would be a magic last drink that would ultimately be “enough”. Like I could plan my last day of drinking and then the last drink I took that night would be THE one to finally satisfy my craving for alcohol. That drink doesn’t exist. When I first sobered up -the liquor aisle of the grocery store was tormenting for me! Like all the bottles were taunting me to get me to drink. Every alcohol commercial or ad was somehow personally directed at destroying my hard fought sobriety. Now I see- being sober is a daily decision. Somedays you will have to decide several times in a day whether or now you will stay sober. But most days I don’t have to make that decision.

I am grateful to be alive and well. I have learned in being in Afghanistan that there are a lot of people who do not have control over their daily lives. If you don’t have control over yours…wouldn’t today be a great day to start?

Finally!!!

2011-10-29T05:23:00.000-04:00

Finally! I am headed home for R&R!!! I am hoping to be home by Monday and then will get 15 days at home to relax. I haven't planned much for that time...I really just want to enjoy my house and my family!
It's new to me to listen to other people talk about how much they can't wait to go have a drink when it's their turn to go on vacation. It seems to be the one common theme everyone has.... I am glad to not be that person anymore. Before I sobered up I would have had the same mindset..and I would have spent my entire vacation in a drunken haze. This time I get to enjoy the simple things in life...

Checking in

2011-10-20T12:43:00.000-04:00

My second 5k! I am feeling good and only 10 days until I am on R&R!!!!! The thing about running around a base in Afghanistan- apparently measuring out a 5k is pretty difficult. It is safe to say this run was significantly longer than a 5k! My nike ipod said 5.85- but according to my pace I would have finished a minute sooner than I did in my first race! I have one more 5k this Sunday before I go home. I am so excited. I am also excited that I have a husband who doesn't drink. There will be no pressure to go party... just wonderful time at home with my husband, my kids and our dogs!!

Alive and well!

2011-09-18T13:24:00.000-04:00

Time is passing here. I go home for R&R in 43 days!
I also ran my first ever 5k. It was a lot of fun. The "Kandahar POW/MIA Remembrance Run". Six of us from my office ran in it. To date I have lost 20lbs since I arrived here about 16 weeks ago. I reached my goal weight about 2 weeks ago and have fallen off my healthy eating since then. But I am getting back to it tomorrow. I plan on running a 5k once a month while I am out here.
Just wanted to check in... life is busy here.

How do you help someone realize they are an alcoholic?

2011-08-21T14:33:00.000-04:00

I work with a guy whose stories always involve alcohol and being drunk. Now I'm not substance abuse expert but having walked in those shoes I think that anyone who thinks so much about alcohol that it is a part of every story they tell is probably an alcoholic (based on the stories I have heard from him). He is sober by mandate right now- with the exception of any booze someone might smuggle him in a care package.
Do you approach people? In your early stages of recovery did anyone say anything to you that eventually inspired you to get sober? I work with this guy and will be working with him for the next year and I don't want to do anything to make the next year an uncomfortable experience.

Has it been a year yet?

2011-08-03T14:17:00.002-04:00

It feels like I have been here F.O.R.E.V.E.R.! !!!! Ok… not forever- but July sure took a long time to get through. I am trying to find some things that I can to help me keep moving forward emotionally and physically. I have been working out quite a bit and am getting in pretty good shape. I am also going to be sign up for my first ever 5k race in September. I have been reading the bible a lot along with some devotional passes to work on my mental health. But somehow, I don’t think I am doing as well as I could be. I have been suffering from a pretty significant bout of depression and feel like I am not performing as well as I should be at work, which is funny because they just took my teammate away because I was “holding it down on my own.” I guess they really mean it when they say “Army of one!” I guess once I get myself together mentally I will really blow them out of the water. So, this is my dilemma- what the hell do I do with myself to get myself out of this emotional funk that I am in? I work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. I go to the gym 6 days a week and have gained a lot of muscle and have lost 14 pounds so far (6 more to go to reach my goal!) I read at night before I go to bed- yet there is still this huge void in me right now. Sigh…

Homesick....

2011-07-25T12:46:00.000-04:00

I am homesick this week. I am two months into my deployment, 3 months from R&R, and 10 months from coming home. blah
One of the young pro-boxers my husband has been helping coach was shot and killed this weekend. My husband is devastated. He told me he didn't know how the young man's dad was going to make it through this. I guess taking the time to read the bible every night helped me out because I remembered one of the reflections written that reminded me that God gives us enough to get through the day that we are in...and we have to have faith that he will give us enough to get through tomorrow when tomorrow comes.
Hope you are all doing well- I think of my blogging family all the time!

Passing Time

2011-07-18T12:46:00.003-04:00

I have been in Afghanistan for 6 weeks now. Time is moving. I have gotten in to a rhythm of working, working out and sleeping. Work is going well and I am staying busy at work. Sobriety is not a constant struggle here- but it gets easy to fall into conversations about drinking- as that appears to be the only thing people think about over here.

I am pretty sure one of the guys who just got here is an alcoholic and some other substance abuse issues. He will have to get clean here though.

I have been reading my bible consistently- looking for some internal peace. I am amazed at how many passages talk directly about drinking too much. Interesting. Don't think I ever noticed that before.

I found a solution to blogging without internet in my room. I am currently at an internet cafe. The only problems are that it took me 30 minutes to get a computer and I only get 30 minutes online. Couple that with the 15 minutes it took me to get to this website and that will explain the short nature of this blog!

Hope you are all doing well.

When Drinking Isn’t an Option

2011-07-01T02:27:00.005-04:00

Because alcohol is not available here a lot of people talk about what they are going to do when they get home. A good majority of those people say they can't wait to have a beer. People talk about drinks and drinking frequently here. I get sucked into those conversations on occasion. I guess 12 hours on night shift gets you to talking about all kinds of crazy stuff. I cannot share with people that I work with my struggles with alcohol. It is just not an option. I need to do something to connect more with non-drinkers but it is a difficult thing to do. Right now my life consists of working for 12 hours, working out at the gym for 2 hours, showering and sleeping. Somewhere in all that time I have to throw in eating, cleaning up, and doing laundry. Then I get up and do it all over again, every single day. I have 315 days to go.

I currently have an internet connection in my room- but honestly- the only time I use it is to log on to read blogs. Everything else I can do at work- but blogging websites are blocked. I really have to determine whether paying for internet access is a valid expense or if it's something I could do without.

Since I have been here I have been focusing on getting myself physically well. I have started counting calories. There is no use trying to eat clean because most of the time that's not a viable option. Here you have to figure out how to make due with what they have available. I have also started to work out 6 days a week. On Monday I kick the intensity of my workout up another notch. I have gotten myself into very good shape several times before- but my hard work was always undone by massive amounts of calories consumed in the form of alcohol. It's nice to know that it won't be my undoing this time!

1 YEAR SOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-06-21T02:08:00.000-04:00

How awesome is that??!?!?!?!?!?!?
That is such a huge accomplishment for me! I don't think I have gone a year without drinking since I was 14 years old!! Maybe even younger than that!
I am happy to report that in spite of this current giant craphole of a situation I am in- life is good. I don't think about alcohol every minute of everyday. I no longer see it as my only method of coping with life. I am happy- and most importantly- I AM SOBER! (STILL!!!)

Life is so surreal here...

2011-06-09T01:52:00.000-04:00

I have been in the middle east for 12 days. I have 338 days to go. Right now I work (nights), eat and sleep. 12 hours on, 12 hours off, 7 days a week. The night before last I heard the first booms of an attempted rocket attack, then the sirens. Nice early indication warning. I found myself cringing when I got back to my room when I heard helo's flying over. It is a helpless feeling.
I am 12 days away from my one year anniversary of sobriety. But right now that isn't even a priority in my life. Drinking here is not an option. There is no alcohol- only non-alcohol beer. Funny how life turns around. A year ago I was wallowing in my own self pity, miserable because I was an alcoholic.
Now I sit here in Afghanistan worried about rocket attacks. Contrary to some belief I see evidence of great things being done by the coalition of forces here. I cannot predict the future- but I hope it is one in which we have brought the good people in Afghanistan a little closer to feeling safe from the chaos that usually surrounds them.

Finally Made It!

2011-06-03T13:48:00.000-04:00

A month later and I am finally at my final destination! I arrived in Kandahar early, early, early morning on June 2nd. I am finally settled in a permanent barracks room and am starting to find my way around. I will begin working nights tomorrow so I am going to attempt to stay up all night tonight to prepare myself!
I spent a few days in Kuwait before getting here- let me tell you- that is THE HOTTEST place I have ever been! It got up to 118 degrees while we were there. We were all trying to figure out which meals we could skip so that we wouldn't have to go outside! Just a walk to eat and back tired us out so much we usually all took naps!
It's pretty hot here too- but it's not as horrible as Kuwait.
All bases over here are no alcohol- they only sell non-alcoholic beer. No temptation. I guess hell has perks too!

Lots of travel

2011-05-29T16:53:00.002-04:00

I am at an interim stop in Kuwait awaiting transportation to my next duty station. My emotions have been running rampant with all the changes and transitions. I have been going full speed ahead the last 4 weeks and right now I get two days of down time to relax and acclimate to the environment. I do much better at the full speed ahead. Having this down time is making me lonely!

The last weekend I spent in the states my husband came for a visit. We took two females that were in my barracks with us for dinner to give them a chance to get off base. The rules while in training were strictly no drinking- yet these two felt it would be worth it to take that chance and ordered wine with dinner. At one time that would have been me taking that unnecessary chance at losing my orders and being disciplined by the military. A year ago I wouldn’t have cared about the repercussions.

It’s lights out here now- just wanted to pop in and say hello!

Tired- But Alive and Well

2011-05-17T20:44:00.000-04:00

Needless to say I have been VERY busy! My days are a busy blur of Army training. We have been busy learning everything you need to know about a rifle, traveling in country, what to expect... there has been so much! The Army drill instructors are awesome- and make everything a lot of fun.
I haven't had to worry too much about sobriety because alcohol is simply not an option where I am now.
My husband is coming to see me this weekend as we get an overnight off. This will most likely be our last visit before I leave.
I am behind in my blog reading- but I hope you are all doing well.

ahhh..the joys of Wi-Fi

2011-05-07T22:58:00.000-04:00

I arrived safely at my first stop for training- after a 7 hour bus ride! Thank goodness it was a chartered bus.
I am proud of myself today. This evening is the last hurrah for anyone who wanted to have a drink. After tonight there is to be NO alcohol consumption by anyone in training - and pretty much for the extent of the length of their tours. All of us girls decided to go to the little sports bar on base. I was the only one not drinking. It is the first time in almost a year that I have been in that situation. I am proud of myself. I had a couple of diet pepsi- and brushed off remarks about not drinking rather well.
Tomorrow, instead of feeling bloated and head-achey I will lay in bed with deliberate laziness!! Not hang-over ness! Tomorrow is the only slow paced day I am likely to experience in the next year.
Thank you all for all your wonderful well wishes. It might sound small- but it really is huge and it means a lot to me.

Cleared to proceed

2011-05-05T00:37:00.001-04:00

I spent this week going through medical exams and taking care of paperwork before I mobilize. I am lucky that the processing center is close to home. Some others have already had to say their final goodbyes.
I have had a lot of "white space" lately while waiting between people to poke and prod me. "White space" is what the military calls down time.
My body has stopped cooperating with me when it comes to sleep. I have a very difficult time sleeping lately- which leaves me drained throughout the day. I guess in a few days it won't matter because someone else will be dictating when I do EVERYTHING!
I am feeling very strong in my sobriety- though I have to admit I had the most overwhelming craving for a chocolate martini on Tuesday. I have no idea what triggered that. Stress maybe- last time I had a chocolate martini I was in a state of deep depression. I sat at home with a Sams Club size bottle of vodka and drank myself stupid. That was about 7 years ago. I didnt' stop drinking right then- but I can't recall having another one of those!
I am settling in to the thought of being in the middle east for the next year. I am pretty lucky because my job will keep me in a safe place. There are plenty of people processing with me who won't be as fortunate as I am. Please say a prayer for them.
I am headed out on Saturday morning for 3 weeks of training and then overseas.

Afghanistan Count Down

2011-04-26T22:36:00.001-04:00

I will be spending my one year sobriety anniversary in Afghanistan (June 21, 2011!). I hope to continue to blog from my duty station- though at this point I don't know if that will be an option. In the event of an extended absence please understand that it isn't because I have gone back to drinking. Sobriety has made me a better person- I don't intend to go back to that drunken place. If I am not able to blog I will be back June 2012.
I hope to blog at least one more time before I leave. God Bless.

Getting closer

2011-04-25T13:30:00.000-04:00

As my days at home wind down I am getting more and more lazy. Today I should be exercising, cleaning, doing laundry, packing, taking care of business. What is actually happening- got out of bed around 11am, drinking a diet Mt. Dew, eating easter candy for breakfast, sitting on the couch, on the internet.
I know that I am going to kick myself for not exercising more when I get to my training on May 8th. But honestly, I have a whole year of working and working out. My motivation is zilch! I figured out when I first got home two weeks ago that I could run a fair distance in a pace above that of a snail- so that was a load off. I should be working on my time- but I really have not found the "go get'em" to make that happen.
I am not beating myself up over it. I am going to enjoy the time I have in my home, in the wonderful air conditioning, or outside in a temperature that doesn't feel that close to hell. I am still going to hot yoga 4 times a week.
Life is O.K. for me right now. I am having some roller coaster emotions and some nightmares. I haven't had nightmares since I moved to the east coast 6 years ago. Most of them center around me not being in control of my situation. I hope as time moves forward and I get to where I am going they will subside.
Easter was nice and quiet here. I cooked way too much food for my husband and I. We will be eating leftovers all week! I am enjoying the days as they come.
Many people ask me how I feel about going to Afghanistan. I tell them I have a healthy dose of fear, but I know I will be as safe as I can be in the situation. What I do know is that I signed up and I will go and do what they tell me to do, because that is my job. Regardless of my feelings on the situation. I can choose to wake up and be miserable every day for the next year, or I can choose to have a positive attitude and make the best of the situation. I choose to be positive. I hope that in whatever situation you might be in that you will do the same.

Alcoholic Thinking Part 2

2011-04-22T17:01:00.000-04:00

I was having a hypothetical conversation with myself today. I was wondering what it be like if I started to drink again and was actually able to monitor my drinking. What would it look like to be in control? Would I just have ONE drink at dinner one time per week. Or maybe I would get a beer at a friends house and take a sip and leave the rest. Is that what a non-alcoholic does? THEN- it occurred to me- non-alcoholics DON'T even think about that stuff. They don't require limits to their drinking. Setting boundaries is an alcoholic way of thinking. It is our attempt to tell ourselves our drinking isn't out of control.
Ultimately- I will always be an alcoholic.

3 weeks to go...

2011-04-15T12:20:00.000-04:00

I have been home for the last week trying to get things together for my departure. I have been staying so busy lately- sooo much to do. I feel like I have accomplished a lot and yet have really barely scratched the surface of the things I want to get done before I go. In three weeks I depart for 19 days of training and then off to the middle east. I should be there around the end of May.
I am very happy to have been at my home the last week. I have lots to do but love laying in my bed watching TV!! I have kept my workouts up and have started back at Hot Yoga. Still more physical training to do to get ready. I wish I was more motivated to work out!!!! I have great ideas- just get stuck in a rut!!!
Alcohol has been more on my mind lately. I don't know why really- maybe just being back in the old surroundings brings back memories of old habits. I am 6 days shy of 10 months of sobriety.

Stress!!!

2011-04-07T20:57:00.000-04:00

I am stressed the F*** out! Tomorrow is my last day at work before I go active duty military to prepare for my deployment to Afghanistan.
Of course- that couldn't be enough- now we are sitting here with the fear that we might not even get paid! Stupid politicians!
All this transitional stress has really got my mind feeling a little looney.
Drinking has been on my mind a lot the last day or two. I went to lunch with a co-worker and once again realized how truly easy it must be to just make up your mind that you can have a drink.
Tomorrow I have to say goodbye (for now) to a job I have truly enjoyed with people who are pretty awesome. Change is a pain in the ass.

Am I An Alcoholic?

2011-04-01T19:25:00.000-04:00

I asked myself that question many times, and odds are if you ask yourself that question you probably are.

Several co-workers took an “am I an alcoholic?” test the other day. Some of them took it in good fun but it got me thinking about how many times I asked myself that question.

I always tried to rationalize my drinking. I used to ask my friends if THEY thought I was an alcoholic. “Of course not! Because if you are, that means I am- and I definitely don’t want to be one.”

I am an alcoholic. I will always be one. If you are too then do something about it. Take action to make yourself healthy again. The toughest part is deciding to get sober and meaning it. There are many ways to get sober- pick one and get to it. You’re the only one stopping you!

So Much To Do

2011-03-24T19:42:00.000-04:00

I have to start making lists and taking action. I work well under stress- so right now my mind is going a million miles a minute.
I feel strong in my sobriety. I have already gotten "advice" about how to sneak alcohol... At one point of time that would have felt threatened by that suggestion. Today I quickly said "I quit drinking" and kept it moving. I am pretty proud of myself about that.
I have to get all of my personal, financial and physical affairs in order. Time to really kick my workout into overdrive. I don't want to be that person who falls out during the physical training! Speaking of... I better hit the gym today before I get that ice cream.
I will spend my one year sobriety anniversary in the middle east. I don't know if I will be able to blog when I am there. I hope that I can. It is a huge help.

Mobilization Orders

2011-03-22T21:08:00.002-04:00

I have military orders to Afghanistan. My report date is April 30th.

C.P.A. - Couch Potatoes Anonymous

2011-03-20T19:24:00.002-04:00

I had an epiphany of sorts the other day. I used to be a very active person but somewhere along the lines I allowed alcohol to make me a couch potato.

When I was in my really hard partying days from 2001-2005 I was always on the move. I had no remorse about drinking and driving, or drinking and doing everything else! I went out every night I didn’t have my kids and even flew across country for a hot date or two. I stayed drunk.

When I moved and met my husband he instilled in me how bad it was to drink and drive. I was already hiding a lot of my drinking from him- so I made this accommodation so that he wouldn’t catch me. I stopped drinking and driving and started spending more time in the house drinking. I got into a habit of drinking then sleeping and then doing that all over again. My house was couch potato central. (ok….I did make it to the gym sometimes- so not 100% spud)

I have been sober now for 9 months (YAY!) and I JUST realized I have still been in that couch potato mode. It was like my eyes just opened up the other day. I realized that I only considered weekends where I laid around all day to be my “good” weekends. I asked myself the big “what happened to me?” question. I realized my lazy idleness has really been feeding my depression in a big way.

My remedy- I got my ass moving! This was a great weekend. On Saturday my husband and I worked out, cleaned the yard, spent A LOT of time shopping, then went out to watch the UFC. Today I had to buy a few more things, got a pedicure, went grocery shopping, and cooked our meals for the week. I.feel.so.much.better.

Now the big test will be how I feel this week at work! Maybe I overdid my first Non-super-lazy weekend. But hey- if you’re gonna go- go big! Hope you all have a great week.

My advice to those newly sober (and even if your not newly sober!)- KEEP MOVING!

Keep Moving Forward

2011-03-15T21:44:00.000-04:00

I bare burdens silently for the most part. I guess that makes me a less than stellar blogger. Right now I am facing the reality that I will most likely be somewhere in the Middle East as a reservist by the end of summer. I just figure that I can either choose to be miserable about that every single day or I can take it for what it is and keep moving forward.

Martin Luther King Jr said, “ If you can't fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but by all means- keep moving forward.” Words to live by. Alcohol was the one thing that held me back. It kept me from remembering things that I did or places that I went. It kept me from learning all there was to learn.

My husband adores me, but somehow, in all that adoration everything that happens to me is really something that happens to HIM. This is infuriating. It is my fault probably. I mean- not really- but I get it why he is like this. My surgery somehow became about him and how difficult it was for him. Same thing with my looming deployment. He is taking it very personally that I am leaving (even though he was the one who encouraged me to join in the first place!)

My writing here is always rambling and disjointed. I suck at writing/talking about myself. I can’t tell you how many times I have written something and deleted it because I didn’t want to sound like a crybaby or I was embarrassed at appearing like a weak person.

I really suck at....

2011-03-10T18:59:00.000-05:00

I am a sucky step-mom. I admit it. I love my husband dearly but his two boys (ages 15 and 16) have got to be some of the most poorly behaved children EVER! Now- let me put that in perspective for you. I was a special education teacher for 8 years. For 3 of those years I taught children with autism who had extreme behavior challenges- and I was great at it. I have a ton of patience!

Let me also make a disclaimer- I am really, really, really good at hiding what is going on in my head when it comes to them. At this point I am sucky only in thought. I go out of my way to do things for them, I treat them with a tremendous amount of respect, and never EVER mistreat them.

How do I get over this? Is it possible to change the way you actually feel about someone? I spend a lot of time trying to rationalize their behavior based on the way they were raised and the circumstances they have dealt with in their life- but ultimately I have been unable to change how I feel.

Why is this coming up now? My oldest step-son is in trouble. Big trouble. I am trying hard to be supportive of my husband as I can see he is under a tremendous amount of emotional distress. I'm trying.

Sigh… Thank God I’m sober.

Feeling Better

2011-03-03T20:41:00.000-05:00

I am in better spirits. Yesterday was my first day back at work..and of course after sleeping for two weeks I couldn't get to sleep the night before....sooo..I was exhausted!! I had a hard time staying awake! I got some good rest and had a much better day at work today. Even went to see Black Swan after that.
Thanks for all the encouragement. I really appreciate it.

Frozen

2011-02-28T20:29:00.002-05:00

I am paralyzed by a bout of depression. I don’t know where it came from but I have been laying in this bed for way too long with no desire to get out. Not the “you need your rest” type of laying. I feel debilitated and sad. I have contemplated reasons for the last several days. There are plenty of reasons for me to feel like this but I make no excuses.

I often wrestle with the prospect of taking anti-depressants again but I like NOT taking them. I like being able to “snap myself out of it”. Usually exercise is a partial anti-depressant but I can’t do that for another couple of weeks. I have a million other ideas as to how to get myself out of this but the blanket of depression is heavy and hard to get out from under.

I'm Cranky

2011-02-25T21:53:00.003-05:00

Maybe it's because I have been in the house for so long, or the lack of exercise, or maybe it's because the hostess seated a couple who got to a restaurant AFTER me in a much better seat BEFORE me, maybe it's because I stubbed my little toe so hard against a stupid piece of firewood that it is sure to be broken. Hell...maybe it's because I took stupid vicodin to not be in pain from surgery and I am going through another detox- trying to cleanse my body of all toxins again. Or maybe it's because I have been so stinking bored. Maybe it's the stupid IRS pushing back the delivery of our income tax return that is going to help us get through this time I have been off work. I don't know what it is- my best bet is that it is a combination of all of these things- but I am in temper tantrum- lay on the floor, stomp my feet, roll around crying- temper tantrum mode.
Sigh... the positives
- I went to see The Kings Speech today (good movie). I really wanted to watch Black Swan before it disappears from every theater but I didn't want to fight traffic to get to the rundown theaters that still have it!
- I am thoroughly rested having gotten more sleep that everyone except a hibernating bear.
- I have gotten to spend some wonderful time at home with my husband.
- The 800 mg of motrin have numbed the pain in my toe.
- The pain meds are thoroughly out of my system and I can think again- will have to start that book soon, now that I'll be able to remember it.
- I am sober- even though I don't particularly care to be at this exact moment. But I realize that drinking will then just make me a cranky hung-over person. Blah.
Lately (of course with the moodiness) I have been focusing on the "fun" part of drinking. I can say without a doubt that my carefully constructed, very busy, normal life keeps me sober without too much issue. I love being home, but I am ready to get back to being busy to give my mind a rest from this constant bombardment of crankiness.

Monotony

2011-02-23T23:03:00.000-05:00

I have been very busy healing (read being a lazy bum, eating, sleeping, wash, rinse, repeat.) I have noticed that when I am idle like this I think more about drinking. I am quite sure pain medication didn't help either. I guess it's good that I keep busy all the time. I stopped taking the pain meds as soon as it was realistic. I didn't realize what little effect they had on me when they weren't combined with alcohol. My husband watched in amazement because they didn't put me right to sleep. I swear he could lick an aspirin and be out for hours.
I used to brag about high tolerance- now- not so much.
I go back to work next week. I am glad to get back in the saddle but not so happy about going back to my home away from home in the city.

Healing...

2011-02-16T20:28:00.001-05:00

Surgery went well...no complaints with the exception of a little chaos in the post-op overnight and getting checked out later than expected.
I am home now and resting. Thankfully I am in less pain than I thought I would be.
My husband is working hard on being good to me- poor thing is just so inept at being a care taker. We are definitely having "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" moments. I do think that he just loves and cares about me so much that he doesn't know exactly how to help- and of course I am overly sensitive with the pain and medication.
Last time I had surgery I was more than happy to include alcohol with my pain medication. It was an opportunity to be intoxicated when I had an excuse. I am thankful everyday to not be in that place anymore.
Lately though, honestly, I have been forgetting that I am an alcoholic. I have not been tempted to drink, but it is just a reminder to always be diligent- and that there are times when I won't feel like alcohol is such an evil thing to me. But of course I remember. I am so glad to be sober.

Changing it up

2011-02-12T13:47:00.000-05:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much time I sit here in front of my laptop doing pretty much of nothing. I really need to find a hobby! I think if I was being productive it would be different but I really just sit here checking out the same websites over and over again. If there is ever any late breaking news I will be all up on it!

My husband and I decided that we are going to make a concerted effort to start reading more. I took the liberty of ordering a lot of books on Amazon. Gotta love those one cent books that you only have to pay for shipping. I’ve always wanted a library- time to start working on that. It will be nice to read books as a sober person and then actually remember what I read.

What are YOUR favorite books?

Getting Ready

2011-02-09T18:22:00.000-05:00

My surgery date is scheduled for February 15th. I am happy it is not anything too major- just a "tune up" so to speak. I have done as much as I can so that my work is not interrupted and have been talking a lot to my husband. I have to giggle a little bit because as much as he truly truly loves me- he sure sucks at caregiving when I am sick. I think if he had his way I would lay in bed for 2 months without moving. I have been breaking him into what my needs are going to be and how I need to move around as much as I am comfortable with.
Monday was my birthday so we spent the weekend hanging out together. I am much more comfortable talking to him about alcoholism now- I guess maybe the farther away I am from it the easier it gets. He asked me how long I had gone without drinking and said we'd have to celebrate when I reach one year. It's nice to know that when he says "celebrate" alcohol never crosses his mind. As an alcoholic that used to be impossible for me to separate celebrating and alcohol.
But I am rambling. I think it's time for a nice nap.

Upsetting News

2011-02-04T16:27:00.000-05:00

I got some upsetting health news today. I have to have a surgery that is going to take me out of work for at least 2 weeks (but could be up to 6 weeks). I just started this job 4 months ago so the leave time is definitely not there.

My mother-in-law is here and she prayed over me this morning before I went to the Dr.

After I left the office I called my husband to tell him and then just went for a drive. This is the first major news that I have gotten where alcohol wasn't something I could turn to. I decided to go for a long drive. I'm struggling, but I am glad I am sober. 8 months ago I would have come home and drank all day taking turns between drinking and sleeping. Then.. I would have woken up and still have had to face the reality of surgery.

Being sober is a gift.

Still Here...

2011-02-02T18:58:00.000-05:00

Well.. after that long trip home I came back to take a nap. I was going to make the long drive home because I knew we were going to be off work. However, after that 3 hour drive I figured I would just hunker down and ride it out. That plan worked out great initially. Then the electricity went out. I curled back up in bed and figured I would just go back to sleep. Fat Chance.
I got antsy.. didn't like not having electricity. So I went out and shoveled snow at 10:30 pm. A lot of snow. I knew I was almost out of gas so I figured I would shovel my way out then go find a gas station to fill up. I would use that time to check out the roads and the traffic and make my ultimate decision. It took my an hour and a half to get to the first gas station with electricity, 5 miles away. Traffic was still a nightmare but I was way more fortunate than others who were stuck on some roads for almost 12 hours.
I decided to get back to the house, pack up the stuff that I could see and head home. I finally got out of the house around 1am and made it home by 4:30am. Not bad time really, considering. Driving home ultimately turned out to be the best decision because the lights were out for well over 24 hours. It was a nice 4 days at home with my husband.
I have another milestone coming up. Next week I will turn 37 years old. It will be my first birthday since I was mmmm.. 17 years old that I don't drink. (With the exception of the two of those years I was pregnant.) It feels pretty good.

I Hate Snow

2011-01-26T18:09:00.000-05:00

It took me 3 hours to get home from work today. I live 14 miles from there.
I have never really driven in the snow (ok..not really actually is closer to never). All around me I kept seeing cars doing the exact same thing I was and they were spinning their tires..unable to move. I just kept hoping that I would not be one of the statistics that was stuck on the side of the road. The storm came on stronger than what was predicted so I don't think anyone knew it would be this horrible of a commute. I kept having visions of myself huddled up in my car on the side of the road until the next thaw!
I really really really don't enjoy snow anymore. At All. When I finally pulled into my driveway I sat in the car for a good little while on the verge of tears. But..I am back in the house now.
I did have the thought once or twice that if I was still drinking I would have had at least two bottles of wine on a day like this. Instead I turned to chocolate. I know not the most wholesome solution from my woes but honestly, if I could have made the drive to the gym I would have! I just didn't want it to close before I got there!!!

7 months sober

2011-01-20T22:01:00.000-05:00

My best bit of wisdom to those who are recently sober...
It gets better. It gets A LOT better. There will be a time when you won't think about alcohol every second of every day. Hang in there!

One Word...

2011-01-18T22:36:00.000-05:00

Ouch!
Needless to say I am doing what I said I was going to do- working out. It hasn't totally set in yet because I just had a really great workout...but tomorrow is going to be painful. Good thing this bed is close to the ground so I can roll out of it in the morning!! A protein shake might be in order for breakfast!
I am not totally out of touch with working out. I used to be though. Aside from a couple of years of playing basketball in high school I was what my husband would call "skinny fat." I was super skinny but not in shape.No fat, but definitely lacking in the muscle department.
When I packed up and moved cross country 6 years ago I got into the gym. For the first time in my life I was a bonafide gym rat. My day just didn't feel right if I wasn't working out. I got myself in the best shape of my life! (then drank myself right out of it...then got there again..then..uhh... drank myself out of it AGAIN!)
I am eager to reach the point again when I have a deep desire to be in the gym. This is day two and I think that feeling can't get here soon enough.
I have been sick for the last 2 weeks or so and I am quite sure that this workout tonight has dislodged any remaining yucky stuff inside of me as I am sneezing and blowing my nose at an alarming rate. If you see a CNN story about the woman who can't stop sneezing- it's me.
Wishing you all a wonderful week!

Working out

2011-01-16T17:31:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I start my exercise and eating plan. As long as I can remember I have had some issues with body dysmorphia. I weighed about 114 pounds when I was 18 and still longed to loose weight. I hated my body. My family on my dads side has a history of morbid obesity. My grandfather died at well over 500 pounds. I remember my mom telling me when I was eating chips that if I ate them all I would get fat. (I probably weighed 109 at the time at 5'6".) That attitude stuck with me for a long time. I am 50% Portuguese decent from my dad's side. To me that means I have a butt. Growing up I hated that about myself. I remember crying one day when my older sister told me I had a bubble butt. All through high- school I played basketball but really didn't have any athletic prowess.

When I joined the Navy I gained 15 pounds in bootcamp. I was devastated. I tried to convince myself I looked better but when I looked in the mirror I saw someone much bigger than myself. To make a long story short..I have always struggled with my own perception of my body.

When I first moved to this state I could actually afford to join a gym. I became a bonafide gym rat and started to love my body. It was the first time ever I lost weight the right way- by exercising and eating right. No starvation diets, no diet pills. I have managed to get into great shape a few times since then but was always derailed because of my drinking.

209 days ago I was at my heaviest of all time- 168 pounds. I would say I don't know how I let myself get like that- but I do. I consumed so many calories in just alcohol. I could have totally gone without food and still packed on the pounds. I know from research that when you drink your body stops metabolizing everything else and just works on the alcohol.

Well, as of right now, I am 13 pounds lighter. I have gotten down to as low as 150 but am holding steady at 155. While the number on the scale is not as much of an issue for me, I am ready to get myself back into shape. I want to be stronger than I ever have before. I want to look fitter and have abs. I know I am capable of that now. Before, alcohol always zapped my motivation or derailed my diet.

My goal is to get down to 140 pounds. I have a 13 week plan that includes core strength, weights and triathlon cardio workouts with some mixed martial arts training thrown in by my husband on the weekends. I have been getting a lot of motivation from stories and tv shows about people who started way more out of shape than I am. If they have the willpower to do it I know I can.

This will also help me gear up for an inevitable deployment to the middle east where I will have to endure rigorous training in pre-deployment workouts.

Here's to not making any more excuses and just doing it!

Living....

2011-01-10T19:30:00.002-05:00

I am successfully living life as a sober person. Alcohol does not consume every thought that I have anymore, and I am thankful for that. My life is now delightfully predictable! I used to feel so tortured inside that I could have written here three times a day- but now, I am peaceful. It has become second nature to tell people that I don’t drink (if they mention it). I don’t feel compelled to tell them my life story, if they ask, I generally just tell them that I realized I was too old to keep putting that poison in my body. I think the fact that I have lost over 15 pounds helps them to realize the benefit of not drinking for me. When I first started that clock was such a daunting thing for me…a perpetually slow reminder of the daily torture of sobriety. Now I hardly look at it. I don’t count days down anymore. Honestly, I didn’t think I would get to this point. I didn’t think I would be strong enough now to not struggle on a daily basis. Even though I spend a lot of time alone now- I am still stronger. Strong…but diligent. I am not naïve to the fact that I have to remember why I can’t take another drink.

I am so thankful for sobriety – much more so than I ever thought I would be.

Happy Sober New Year

2010-12-31T23:30:00.000-05:00

This New Years I am hanging out with the kids with a bottle of sparkling apple cider chilling in the fridge watching Dick Clark's New Years Rocking Eve. (They are still young enough for me to force them to watch what I want on tv...lol)
I hope you are all having a wonderful New Year however you celebrate (my husband is celebrating by sleeping right now).
Tonight, instead of going out we all went to a movie and then ordered some pizza.
This blog has been such a huge help for me in the last 6 months. I almost don't know what to write about anymore. I hope this year I can find some inspiration to keep coming back. Even when I don't write I am reading my favorites just to keep up.
Have a great night...and please know that I am extremely grateful for all the encouragement and support from all of you!

Time to Relax

2010-12-25T19:26:00.000-05:00

My kids AND husband opted to stay up until midnight so they could open their presents. That definitely takes the pressure off having to get up early. I have spent the last two days cooking. It was my first attempt at making a prime rib and it turned out pretty darn good if I do say so myself. My favorite dish of the day was key lime pie from scratch. It was a labor of newfound love because zesting and squeezing a billion tiny key limes really is a pain in the ass! It was well worth it though. I have been craving it for a long time.
Now I am sitting with my feet up hoping that the back pain from hunching over wrapping presents and cooking for two days will go away.
This was my first sober Christmas in a long time. It was a nice change. I think I'll keep it up!
Merry Christmas Everyone!

Ready For Christmas...almost

2010-12-23T16:19:00.002-05:00

Tree is up, presents have been purchased but still need to be wrapped, dinner menu is set and groceries are in the fridge. I will start cooking pies tomorrow and do some other prep work. I have been spending a lot of time relaxing, napping and just enjoying hanging out with my family.
When I was at the grocery store today I bought a bottle of apple cider for New Years. My first sober New Years in God only knows how long. It felt pretty good. Life is good. Hope you all are doing well!
Almost forgot!!! SIX MONTHS (and two days) SOBER!!

Doing Better

2010-12-18T14:36:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to let everyone know I am feeling better and am in much better spirits and still sober. I am looking forward to Christmas. All of my holiday shopping is done and I am enjoying some VERY LAZY days at home.

Melancholy

2010-12-12T01:13:00.001-05:00

I have been in a dark place lately. I have suffered from bouts of depression in the past but this is something different. I have been having morbid thoughts of death and injury of my family. I am not sure if this is a product of me spending so much time without them lately and feeling that I am missing them. My mind is f*in with me! I have decided to start taking anti-depressants again. I would really like my Christmas with my family to not revolve around my mental health.

It occurred to me that I might have felt this way before but just drank the feelings away…drowning out my dreams in drunken sleep. Now it seems ridiculous that I would drink.. it’s just going to cause me a headache, and in the end everything is still going to be right where I left it.

It seems weird that it is Christmas time- I should be happy and cheerful. Hopefully those feelings will hit me soon.

Good Weekend

2010-12-05T19:36:00.002-05:00

This was a really good weekend for my family. My daughter ran in an out of state cross country meet and shaved a minute of her time from last year. My son competed in his first swim meet and won one of his races! My husband earned his purple belt in jiu jitsu and I earned a promotion in the reserves. (only hiccup this weekend was I lost my ID- have to get that replaced tomorrow if I can!)

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I am a reservist and am facing a potential deployment to the Middle East. I have known this was going to come but now that I have been promoted the odds are even greater. I have also been looking for a job closer to home. I really like my current job but being so far away is really weighing on my mental health. I feel like I don’t have much of a life anymore with working, working some more and then working out. It is effective to keep time passing quickly but I can see the potential for extreme stress pretty soon.

I am worried about the effects a potential deployment could have on my sobriety and mental well being. Just going in for one weekend a month I hear a fill of drinking stories. When my husband was overseas he told me how easily accessible alcohol was. I am strong in my sobriety now. I have a lot of confidence in myself. But of course with change comes challenges. 2011 promises to be a year of great change for me. Most importantly I am looking forward to spending my first year (since God only know when) sober.

Forgetting

2010-12-02T22:29:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, lately, I forget that I am an alcoholic. I don't think about drinking every single moment of every day anymore and so sometimes when someone talks about going out and throwing a few drinks it doesn't sound like some poisonous evil thing to me.
Funny how 164 days can make for such a drastic change in perspective.
For me, this change in thought shines a better life on why some people might relapse. It gets easier to forget you ever had a problem to begin with, especially when all those lingering effects of alcohol abuse have faded.
It's moments like these that probably make it important to have someone to "report" to, someone who has higher expectations of you than you do of yourself. For me this person is my husband- and all of you who read this and provide comments.

Good v. Evil

2010-11-27T20:48:00.002-05:00

I have been enjoying a nice long lazy weekend. Finally got out today to pick up some dry cleaning and get my hair done. I have been doing a lot of sleeping this weekend. I guess the daily grind of the work week has really been catching up with me.

I did a little bit of Christmas shopping today and while I was out I passed through a convenience store with all of its wine and beer. Early in recovery it felt like I had an angel on one shoulder and a devil disguised as a liquor bottle on the other shoulder. Like somehow the alcohol was encouraging and taunting me. “Just buy me.. you know you want to.” A few months ago I avoided any section of a store with alcohol in it- like it was the great evil aisle that meant to do me harm. Today when I passed by I didn’t feel threatened. It seems ridiculous upon writing that an inanimate object felt threatening- but it did. I don’t know how to explain it- or if it even makes sense. What I do know is that early in sobriety it was hard to even be around alcohol- like the bottles themselves were able to talk me into drinking.

I am thankful that early in my recovery people reminded me every day that I wouldn’t think about drinking every moment of every day. I don’t know if I believed it then- but it’s true. Thankfully.

Being Thankful

2010-11-25T14:49:00.002-05:00

I am so thankful to be sober.
I spent last night and most of today cooking. Made a lot of food for just my husband and I. Last year I didn't cook and didn't realize until it was too late that my husband really enjoys the meal. His mom was supposed to come over this year but couldn't make it so I did my best to make him all of his favorite stuff. Now it is time for me to rest as I hear my husband rattling around in the kitchen wrapping up all the food.
When I was a drinker I would be tired after cooking because I had been drinking the whole time. Now...I am just full and happy and ready for a nice long nap!
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone- I hope your holiday is as happily sober as mine is!

5 Months

2010-11-21T18:48:00.001-05:00

Today is my 5 month mark of sobriety. I have experienced a lot of changes in myself in this time. The most profound things for me right now- I don't think of alcohol every second of every day and sobriety has stopped being a chore and is becoming a way of life.

Alcoholic Thinking

2010-11-19T21:41:00.002-05:00

I was talking to my husband the other day and he said his definition of having control is being able to walk away from anything. But according to his definition it’s ok to go back to whatever you were doing as long as you maintain that control. (for the record he was not suggesting that I drink again).

So I started thinking what it would be like to drink. Then I realized I don’t have any gauge as to what it means to NOT be an alcoholic. I have no idea how non-alcoholics feel when they drink. I don’t know their thought process for when it is time to stop, or why they don’t have the desire to drink more and more. I think it is safe for me to say that this is a pretty good reason that I shouldn’t ever drink again.

I can’t even imagine how their brains work. The only thing I know is how my brain works. My brain tells me that you drink until there is nothing else to drink or until you pass out (I used to call it falling asleep!). My brain also tells me that it’s ok to drink ALL the time. This is why I can’t take another drink. I don’t have any clue what it feels like to NOT be an alcoholic.

Growing Up

2010-11-14T01:28:00.003-05:00

I was having a conversation with my husband the other day about the struggles I have gone through with my sobriety. I think he wants to understand but he really can’t because he has never done drugs and has never lost control of his drinking. His answer to everything is “Self destruction is not the answer.” Sometimes I think that’s easy for him to say but then again- he has lived that way. In this conversation he asked me how long I had been drinking. I had to really stop and think about when the seeds were planted for my alcoholism. I remember sneaking whiskey out of my dad’s basement when I was in eighth grade. As I got older alcohol was always easy to access because my mom owned a little mom and pop grocery store. I worked there A LOT. I also closed often so it was easy to pull my car up and fill the trunk with beer when I was 16. At 16 I also started dating a guy who was 21 so alcohol continued to be easy to access.

Alcohol has always been well within reach. I lived in Italy for 3 years, starting when I was 19 so I never even had to worry about a drinking age. Upon reflection I don’t see myself as being an alcoholic at that time…. But it sure as hell was a great foundation. It wasn’t until I was beginning my divorce that I started using alcohol to self medicate. That was the time that I never felt drunk enough. As my addiction grew so did my tolerance so it took more to get me drunk. Sigh…. Eighth grade- that is what… 13 years old? It might have been even younger. Sometimes I am resentful that my parents didn’t catch me- I wonder if it would have made a difference. Thankfully I am on the right path now.

Tonight we had a fight party – something we do often whenever there is a good boxing match on. This was my first sober event. It was nice. I am so grateful to be sober.

Living Sober

2010-11-09T20:35:00.001-05:00

I had a really sucky weekend. Blah. I have decided that I am a traffic vacuum. If there happens to be any traffic anywhere near it will be sucked right to my location! Thursday there was a police involved shooting that shut down my main thoroughfare- allowing me to travel a whopping 1.5 miles in 2 hours. Friday it took me 5 hours to make the drive south home (no traffic it takes 2.5 hours). Not to be outdone by Friday- my dear friend Monday decided it should take me 5 hours and 20 minutes to get back up here. Sigh.

My weekend wasn’t great either. My doctor determined I had an upper respiratory infection and prescribed some medicine for it. The cough medicine he gave me is probably the closest thing I have had to being intoxicated in almost 5 months. It is alcohol free but contains codeine. Definitely had me emotional and a tiff my husband and I got into didn’t help matters at all. Sigh again.

I am looking forward to a long weekend. I will drive south again tomorrow to enjoy a 4 day weekend. I really feel like crawling under the covers and not peeking out until Monday morning. Maybe I can convince my husband to stay there with me!

In the midst of all these inconveniences I never once thought about drinking. I did think to myself that I used to have that as my outlet and that I really need to get busy finding a new outlet. Normally that would be the gym, but not being able to breathe well definitely put that on the “can’t do” list for now. On my way home I thought about how inconvenient drinking really was for me. Life seems so much simpler that I don’t have to worry about it. Being sober has become a way of life- just like drinking once was. Sometimes, just to play devil’s advocate with myself, I think about whether or not I could have just one drink. The answer is no. I might tell myself it was one drink- but it would always end up being another, and another- just like it used to be. I am so grateful that I am sitting here writing, sober.

No Do-Overs This Time

2010-11-04T21:48:00.002-04:00

I am feeling a little bit under the weather today. Can’t say that I actually feel bad…but I definitely do NOT feel good. I will be very happy to be at home in my own bed this weekend.

One of my co-workers has been spending a lot of time being disgruntled. I have to say- it takes a whole lot of effort to walk around mad at the world. That kind of reminds me of drinking. It took so much effort for me to be an alcoholic. Always planning and sneaking…

In the very beginning of my sobriety it DID take a lot of effort not to drink. I had to break the habit of it. I also came to realize that there was never going to be a time when I could take a drink and feel like “wow.. that was the greatest drink in the world! I never have to drink again.” There were a lot of those times when I sat at home (drunk) with a drink in my hand, knowing that I had to get sober. Every time I did decide to get sober it was in a drunken state. I would sit, thinking “this is it… this is the last drink.” Even this time. The difference now is that I know I can’t ever drink again. There will be no time, ever, that I can be in control of my drinking.

I know now that one drink will turn into another one, and another. I equate it to being on a diet. When you mess up you figure- well the day is shot- might as well eat what I want and start again tomorrow. But then tomorrow is date night, or a wedding, or a family dinner, so that day is shot too. Then hell- might as well indulge the entire weekend and start again on Monday. My life was a perpetual “do-over” day. But not this time. This time I am making it… I am so thankful for that.

Happy Halloween

2010-10-31T10:43:00.000-04:00

Tonight we will be headed out to dinner and a comedy club instead of handing out candy. Now that I spend the week in the city we cherish every moment we have together on the weekends. I am so glad that I get to enjoy the time as a sober person.
I was thinking about my co-workers from my last job. They would tell me how they would take their kids trick or treating with a big cup of rum punch. At the time I thought, "Damn! Why didn't I think of that?" Every thought used to be figuring out how I could be drinking every moment. I am happy that I get to use my brain power for things other than sneaking a couple of drinks.
Hope you all have a safe and sober Happy Halloween!

Peaceful

2010-10-27T22:21:00.002-04:00

I don’t know how long this feeling will last- but I feel that I have gotten over that hump where everything I think about has to do with drinking. It’s not on my mind so much anymore and not drinking doesn’t feel like a big deal. I’ve gotten a lot of encouragement over the last 4 months telling me that alcohol won’t be on my mind everyday forever. They were right.

I feel really good. Life is going well and I am coping with stress in a healthy manner. I am eating right and exercising. I am doubtful that this feeling will last forever- but it is here now and I am grateful. At this point I know that it is possible to feel this way so if I get to feeling distressed again I will know there is light.

Milestones

2010-10-25T20:35:00.000-04:00

I feel good. Very good. Lately drinking or the act of not drinking has not been on my mind very much. Mostly I think about me not thinking about drinking. I am in a good place... I am so thankful to be sober.

Mad but.... Triumphant!?!?

2010-10-20T19:28:00.001-04:00

Today someone made me mad. Really really really mad. When I say mad- I mean red faced, eyes bulging, sweating, cursing mad!! I'm still kinda mad to tell you the truth!
BUT..... for the first time EVER I did NOT feel like I wanted to go have a drink. As a matter of fact- the only time I thought about alcohol was in my thinking that "wow- this would usually drive me to want to throw a few back." But I didn't feel like that.This is a monumental moment in my sobriety. Today I am 4 months sober.
Instead of drinking today to blow off steam I will be going to the gym.... I'm pretty damn proud of myself.

Stable and Happy

2010-10-19T21:56:00.000-04:00

I was driving to work today thinking how nice it is to wake up in the morning and not feel shaky and nauseous. When I went to get take out for dinner (Indian food- yum!) I thought how wonderful it was not to have that feeling that I needed to have a drink while I waited for my order, and how nice it was to be thinking about stopping at 7-11 to get a crème soda and not a beer. While I was working out this evening I thought how nice it is to be able to do sit-ups more effectively since I have lost 15lbs by simply not drinking anymore.

Life is good.

I did have to give myself a bit of a reality check. I had enrolled in 3 classes- they turned out to be way too much, and I don’t really need them, so I dropped them. I figure with the move, travelling home on the weekends, a new job, a new 2^nd job, working out, and hopefully a meditation class, that the academic stress isn’t really necessary. I decided to stop putting so much pressure on myself and just enjoy my life as much as possible.

I am a day or two away from 4 months of sobriety ( My longest stint of sobriety since 1998). I feel really good. Thank you all for all the support- you are all awesome!

Sabotage I Tell You!!!!

2010-10-16T15:53:00.001-04:00

I made my long drive home last night for the weekend. When I got home my husband and I decided to go to a little Grille to grab some dinner. I had a good week of eating healthy and clean so I was having a major craving for a greasy cheeseburger!! We sat down and the waitress asked us for our drink order. My husband ordered a virgin pina colada and I asked for my non alchy fave - a shirley temple. (speaking of that a cop in a restaurant teased me the other day about ordering a shirley temple!) Anyways- back to the story. The waitress came back with a virgin pina colada and a strawberry daiquiri. I told her I had ordered a shirley temple but the daquiri looked so yummy that I said that I would keep it- (thinking it would be virgin like my husbands since I had originally ordered a non-alcoholic drink and thinking that since my husband ordered a virgin drink she would have brought me the same.) Before my I stuck my straw in to take a drink my husband asks the waitress if it had alcohol in it. IT DID! Blech! Sabotage!!!!
I pushed it away and told her that I wouldn't drink it and to please bring me my original drink of a shirley temple.
Lessons learned here:
Thank God I had shared with my husband that I was an alcoholic and that there was no circumstance in which I should drink again. If he hadn't asked if that drink had alcohol in it who knows what kind of spiral it would have caused.
Sometimes- no matter how hard you try there will be some bizarre circumstance like this that will test your will.

I was shaken by the incident. At this exact moment it doesn't seem to be that big of deal...but it certainly was last night.
Oh- and she still messed up my drink order- she brought me back another daquiri- this time with NO alcohol.

Reflections

2010-10-14T22:21:00.002-04:00

I hate reading my first post. I also hate reading anything else I wrote about being an alcoholic prior to this blog. I think I started several with “I have a high tolerance for alcohol”, “No one knows I drink so much” “No one realizes how bad it is” ….what an ass I sounded like. I have been sober for almost 4 months now and I have grown leaps and bounds with much more growth to come. The reality is that of course I had a high tolerance for alcohol…I drank every damn day- all day. Another reality, lots of people knew how bad it was, a lot of people knew how much I drank. Most of them just happened to be drinking with me- most of them also still don’t know how bad it is for them.

I still lack a spiritual foundation from which to grow- while I am sure some would argue that should have been first on my list- I just wasn’t ready. I am a Christian who really came to know the blessings that come from above when I was 24 years old. I found a pastor and church that helped me grow and learn so much. But 9 years have passed since I moved to another state and I have grown away from church and the routine of worship. Honestly, I haven’t even looked for a church since I moved. I don’t even have an excuse nor will I try to make one here. What I can do is make a conscious effort to improve my personal relationship with God.

Now is the time to start back on a spiritual path. I have never really touched the subject of AA meetings on my blog because I know people have such strong feelings about the subject. I also know that many have read my blog consider me a “dry drunk” because I haven’t used a program to facilitate my recovery. All I can say is “so far so good.” I think subliminally I have asked God over and over again to help me with my recovery. I also long for a way to focus and calm my mind from daily trivialities. I have written before about my desire to find a meditation group- that is still on my short list of things to do (found a gym- the other item on my short list). I may also start shopping for a church that my husband and I can attend together when I am home on weekends.

I am appreciative for everyone who reads my blog and comments either privately or publicly. The amount of encouragement is so helpful. Thank you for helping me stay motivated. The internet has been a blessing in my recovery- so many resources and personal stories. I am off to study- I hope you all have a wonderful and sober weekend. I know I will!

Relaxing weekend

2010-10-09T21:01:00.000-04:00

I am so grateful for this three day weekend. I get lots of time to hang out with the hubby. Did the grocery shopping today and ran errands so I get to be a lazy bum (except for homework from the classes I am taking) for the rest of the weekend. Just might try and stay in my pajamas until Tuesday morning!
Main goal for next week- find a gym!
Living away from home is hard- but my husband and I seem to be yin and yang. Whenever i am feeling down he is supportive..and by the time he is feeling down I am able to be strong for him.
I realize that my blogs seem to lack continuity in posts- but that is how my mind is working right now.
I consistently notice commercials about drinking, alcohol, and I am hyper-sensitive to people talking about drinking. I asked my husband if he ever notices and he says he doesn't. Hopefully I am getting closer to that.

Staying Busy

2010-10-07T22:40:00.000-04:00

The new job is going well- boring.. but nothing to complain about. One of my co-workers is all over the place with her organization and work habits- but not much I can do about that other than keep doing my job.
I also got another little part time thing going on and that has really helped with the transition. It takes up more time and adds a little money to take off the stress of the extra expense of me living away from home.
The initial shock of being up here by myself has worn off a little. I am not walking by restaurants thinking about happy hour. My roommate still has beer in the fridge- though it is not staring me directly in the face every time I open the fridge.
I was contemplating beginning to take anti-depressants again but my husband encouraged me to give exercise a try before I do. I think I will try that.
So far I have marked a few things off my list- got a job, got a part time job, started taking classes. Now I have to find and then make time to go to the gym. I really want to find time to start going to a meditation class but haven't managed to find one that fits with my schedule.

Candid conversations

2010-10-06T20:42:00.000-04:00

I miss my husband a lot. It's amazing what a little time away will do for a relationship. The time apart is really reminded us not to take each other for granted. When I went home this weekend I think we stayed right beside each other every moment that we could.
Recently we had been having a conversation about some old friends. He asked me how I could just "dump" them like that. I explained to him that they didn't know how to have fun without involving alcohol and I really didn't need that in my life. I guess he didn't believe me because he friended one of them on facebook. I was SO mad at him.... Turns out he got the answer himself- the first thing my friend told him was to tell me 'hi' and that we needed to go out for drinks.
He told me all this and then told me how proud he was of me, how he had known this was a problem for me for a while. I really love him.

Challenges

2010-09-30T20:32:00.000-04:00

I started my new job this week. So far so good- no complaints, and compared to what I used to do its pretty easy money. Chances for promotion are high as well.

I am experiencing some challenges in recovery. I am a “geo-bachelor”- renting a room in the city during the week and commuting home on Friday night (driving back up Monday morning). This first week has been another eye opening experience. Another example of having to re-learn old behavior. The location in which I work is a busy town center. There are bars and happy hour signs everywhere. There are tons of places to eat between my work and my new residence. I spend 90% of the time at this house by myself. The owner has beer in the fridge and a stocked alcohol cabinet. I go out to eat by myself. These are all challenges for me. Loneliness is not a wonderful feeling.

I took a week to try and learn the ins and outs of the city before I started on my list of things to do. On Monday I have no excuses. I have committed to taking a few classes this semester that start on Monday. I found a Shambhala Meditation group that focuses on recovery. It meets once a week and I emailed the leader of the group today. I also need to find a gym so that I can start releasing some endorphins.

I think the hardest part about this phase of my recovery is at times I tell myself that I don’t give a damn what people think about me drinking. I start thinking about ways that I can go back to hiding my drinking. A short while ago I was kicking myself for telling my husband everything. Now I am happy that I did- because I know he can offer support and a zero tolerance level for my drinking.

My longest period of sobriety

2010-09-25T13:57:00.001-04:00

I am approaching my 100 day mark of sobriety. I can say with quite a bit of certainty that this is the longest I have gone without alcohol since my son was born in 1998. I don’t know if I was an alcoholic back then. I don’t think I was, though I am sure I was planting a seed. At that time I didn’t wander around wondering when I would get to drink again. I was too busy with school and being a young mother and wife.

I can pinpoint the deterioration to when my marriage started to fall apart. I wasn’t happy in my marriage and started to drink more and more. Then when I was finally divorced I used the time my kids weren’t with me to live it up and drink. When the kids were with me I waited until they were asleep to get smashed- but I was still drinking. Pretty soon I was taking an anti-depressant and the urge to drink had diminished but the habit was going strong. It stayed strong.

I feel good now. I was talking with my husband last night about how when I was drinking I didn’t have any goals or ambition. Right now I have a lot of time on my hands- but that is about to change. I have started to make a list of goals that I want to accomplish.... but that is another blog.

Change

2010-09-22T22:06:00.000-04:00

I start my new job on Monday, so today I drove up to the city to move some stuff into my room and do my pre-employment drug screen. I always feel a little frazzled after driving and couldn’t help but notice that Hooters right on the corner. Three months ago I would have stopped to have a drink with the excuse of celebrating a new beginning.

Another thing I have noticed- one would think that after my long talk with my husband that I would feel liberated and stronger about not drinking. Oddly enough I don’t feel that way. I almost feel like I have the potential to fall back in to the sneaking behavior. Now that he knows it’s not ok for me to ever drink again I feel this horrible strain. Somehow when it was my independent struggle I didn’t have to hide anything. There are no liquor bottles to hide, no alcohol breath to hide, nothing- it was a relief. Now, I am accountable to someone other than myself…. It feels like a not good thing- but I know that it is a good thing.

90 days

2010-09-18T21:45:00.002-04:00

90 Days and going strong!

Blessed

2010-09-17T20:51:00.002-04:00

My husband is the greatest partner I could possibly have.

A few days ago he asked me what it was that I normally drank when we went out. I told him I didn’t drink anymore. He asked me “you’re not even going to drink when we got out to the club?” and I told him no.

Fast forward to Tuesday- I had to take him to the E.R. for pain in his lower abdomen. They triaged him right in and started running some tests. In the mean time they gave him a dose of dilaudid for his pain. In the midst of him trying to keep his wits about him we started talking. He asked me why it was that I decided to stop drinking. AHH.. my moment of truth. Now was my chance to tell him how it was…and I did. I told him I was pretty sure that I was an alcoholic.

The conversation continued when after he was discharged and a little more coherent. He asked me if there was anything I needed him to do to help me. I told him that there would never be a time when it would be ok for me to drink. Even if I told him 5 years from now that I could handle a drink- that I couldn’t.

He told me he was proud of me. Very, very proud. He told me I was strong.

I am blessed.

'Fun'

2010-09-13T17:08:00.001-04:00

I have been noticing alcohol commercials lately. Often. Really Often. The thing that strikes me about the commercials is the method of advertising. They all use the same “drinking makes your life ‘fun’” line of advertising. I think I bought that for a long time. I think I bought it for so long that I lived it and somewhere down the road drinking stopped being fun.

For the record, and I am trying hard not to rationalize my thinking, I didn’t have the kind of drinking problem that would cause my friends to wonder if I was an alcoholic. I rarely vomited, didn’t have black outs, never took anyone home with me from the club, always successfully worked at my job..and sometimes two jobs, paid bills on time, raised my kids, didn’t drink and drive and I guess whatever else a stereotypical alcoholic does.

What prompted me to delve into sobriety was the slow deterioration of my quality of life. Not vomiting didn’t mean that I didn’t have that overall shaky feeling when I woke up. While I didn’t black out and lose large moments of time I didn’t remember conversations I had with people. Not taking anyone home from the club doesn’t mean that I didn’t make bad decisions in relationships- decisions that were often made while drinking. I am sure I hurt a lot of people emotionally in the haze of alcohol. I was successful at work, but didn’t hesitate to have one glass of wine before, during and right after work. Paying bills is easier now – it was done on time but I have a lot more money now because I don’t spend $500 extra per month at the grocery store (not including the $$ I spent at bars and restaurants). The time I spend with my kids now is better. My point is- I didn’t fit the profile of what I thought an alcoholic is/was. I didn’t fit the profile of what anyone around me thought was an alcoholic.

But I was. And I was slowly dying. Spiritually, emotionally, and physically. And no one saw it. Or, if they saw it they didn’t say anything. Or maybe they were dying with me. I don’t know what the case was. Ultimately the effects started to become evident. My weight ballooned with my blood pressure. My memory was HORRIBLE. I emotionally disconnected from my husband because I didn’t want him to get close enough to me to smell the alcohol on my breath. I had always been ambitious- but my ambition was non-existent as I spent most of my time sleepy from alcohol. Alcohol is the great motivation sucker. I am in more control of my emotions- thankfully.

Today, for a second, I wanted to be “fun” like in the commercials. Then I thought about it. Being “fun” wasn’t really all that fun.

Noticing a Change

2010-09-09T19:52:00.003-04:00

I reviewed a few of my older blogs and notice a big difference in myself. I feel much more calm and relaxed now. I am taking some advice and have started to focus on finding some internal peace. My life is in the process of some pretty big changes and I have been having a hard time not focusing solely on myself. It is time for me to stop being so self centered – I am not the only person in the whole world. When I focus on all things “me” life feels so complicated.

I went back to yoga the last two nights and enjoyed the stillness, the meditation, and the breath. So much has changed in me lately. Though I will be spending a lot more time by myself when I move up to the city during the week, I know I will be a more productive person. Rather than being excited at having so much time to drink I am looking forward to a period of huge productiveness. My husband and I have been in a honeymoon phase for two years now! Opting to stay at home with each other and just enjoy the companionship rather than doing other things that could be putting us a little farther ahead in life. We both have big plans of grand accomplishment over the next year.

Some days alcohol seems like such a difficult thing to avoid, and some days it seems so easy. EVERY day I see the quality of my life improving, I remember how my life was consumed with finding a way to have a drink. Now I am trying to find things to do to fill my day since I am no longer passed out in bed.

I love my husband- he is such a source of strength. Though he doesn’t know the true nature of my current struggle- we saw something on TV about some alcohol incident somewhere and he asked me how long it had been since I’d had a drink. I told him about 3 months and he told me he was proud of me. Imagine how proud he would be if he knew what a huge challenge it was for me.

I don’t like that he doesn’t know the truth. When I first started in recovery I was just scared to death that he would find out that I had been out of control. As I get farther away from being that person I get much closer to telling him the whole truth about my alcohol abuse. I went over the conversation I would have with him in my head the other night on the way home from yoga. It brought me to tears. I was so worried about letting him down, and couldn’t stand the idea of him being disappointed in me. I know now that the time is getting closer that I will tell him the true nature of this demon. I will tell him that drinking can ‘t ever be an option for me and he will understand...and life will go on.

Still A Struggle

2010-09-06T21:35:00.001-04:00

I still feel like I am struggling. I am pretty sure this is my longest stint of sobriety since probably around 2001. I don't know if it's a time thing, or just that regular internal struggle. I understand how people always feel like alcoholics. The thought of drinking crosses my mind a lot but I don't have a strong desire to drink, just that ever nagging feeling. Like something is lurking around the corner ready to jump out at me.
I had a conversation with one of my closest friends who now lives pretty far away. She texted me to tell me she was "on the wagon". I shared with her that I had been sober for over 77 days. We were drinking buddies when we lived close to each other. It was nice to talk to her though I don't think she is ready to stay sober forever. I think she is in the stage of thinking that some time she will be able to be in control of her drinking. I know that I don't have that capability.
There are big changes on my horizon. I will be living solo during the week while working in the city and coming home on the weekends. My plan is to stay as busy as possible- maybe even get a second job. I am sad to have to be away from my husband who gives me strength. Though I have a feeling that being away from each other during the week will help us not to take each other for granted.

All kinds of stuff

2010-09-03T15:35:00.001-04:00

I got a job offer- hurray! Just have to finish up some paperwork and I'll get a start date. This means that I will have to rent a room in the metro area and commute home on weekends. Hubby isn't too happy about it- but it has to be done.
I've had more dreams of relapse lately. They are kinda making me crazy- though they are definitely a reminder that I am going to feel like an ass if I drink.
I have also realized that I drink a lot when I'm bored, or after driving... lol. Hell- I'm an alcoholic- I guess I just want to drink all the time. The thought of drinking has been crossing my mind a lot lately. Thankfully those damn dreams that it's not ok.
There have been a few times that I really wish I wasn't an alcoholic so that I could drink normally- but I know I can't.
This blog has been disjointed- but I have a lot on my mind I guess. Stepping out of one comfort zone into another....

Why Do Heavy Drinkers Outlive Nondrinkers?

2010-08-30T13:29:00.000-04:00

Why Do Heavy Drinkers Outlive Nondrinkers?

I hate this article. If I was in the stage of contemplating sobriety this article is all it would take to head right to the bar and toast my long life. Blech! I would much rather live a slightly shorter life than to live in the drunken stupor for a long time.

The Power of the Counter

2010-08-29T03:44:00.000-04:00

I had another dream of relapse the other night. In my dream I had gotten 2 six packs of some lemonadey type malt liquor. I remember the following about the dream: Someone was mad at me for not getting them something from the store. I poured myself a drink in a dark cup and thought before I took a swig that there was no way I was going to restart my counter. I thought about whether I would even post on this blog my big failure. I took a drink telling myself this wasn't even really alcohol and again thought about the timer. Shortly after I walked back in the kitchen knowing that I had messed up.
Taking another drink seems a lot like jumping off a cliff. When you are feeling depressed it may indeed seem like the thing to do- but on the way down you realize that it wasn't the greatest plan. Drinking is my cliff. I may not see the harm to be done initially, but my dreams tell me that I will feel the most incredible regret and disappointment in myself if I take that drink. I still have thoughts of drinking- I don't even know if you can call it desire- but I think about it. I thought about it yesteday on the way home- because I used to like days when work was done early so that I could get in some good drinking time.
On occasion I wish I could drink, other times I don't care at all. Sometimes I can see people drinking on TV and could care less..other times I wonder how I could ever enjoy a vacation or a dinner out without drinking.
I still maintain that taking that initial step to stop drinking was much harder for me than saying no on a daily basis. The thought process I had to go through to begin recovery was difficult. I don't want to have to go through all that again. This keeps me sane and sober. I worry most of all that if I do slip it will be a long time again until I try to get sober again- and at this point, I am quite sure my health and body just can't take it.
Thank you to everyone who leaves me caring words of support. This blog is one of the things that is helping me stay sober.

Back To My Regular Schedule

2010-08-26T10:02:00.000-04:00

Last night was my last one on nights- thank goodness. Something just doesn't feel right to me being wide awake at 4am.

I am laying here trying to reflect on the week and decompress.

It's hard to come home on a caffeine high. I can't deny the thought that normally a drink would have helped me go right to sleep. My thoughts of alcohol lately have not been wistful- just another realization that I would normally have done that and it is no longer an option- so time to go with plan B. When I have thoughts of drinking now I remind myself that it's not an option. I am more sensitive to other peoples recommendations that it's time for happy hour, or to have a drink. I find that I am not anywhere near interested in humoring them with the notion. No one at work knows I am in recovery- which I figure is just as well as I can't live a life where no one ever talks about having a drink. I usually just deflect whatever they are saying by telling them I'd rather have a nap than a drink!

Speaking of naps.. or bedtimes- it is mine- though I feel pretty caffeinated I am sure my brain will slow down once my eyes close.

Having Fun While Sober

2010-08-24T08:33:00.000-04:00

One of the biggest lessons I have learned this past week is that I am still a barrel of laughs- even when I am sober. I have been having lots of fun just talking and joking with people over the last 6 nights. In general I am not a very people person but when put in the situation of just sitting there ALL. NIGHT. LONG. you have to find coping mechanisms to make time pass. Two nights to go then back to my regular schedule.

Midnight-ish reflections

2010-08-23T01:12:00.002-04:00

On Friday I got a call back from the company recruiter I interviewed with. I let it go to voicemail because I didn’t have the stomach to hear him tell me in person that I was a sucky candidate and no way were they going to hire someone who talked like her mouth was full of peanut butter. BUT. I checked my voicemail immediately and he said he had positive feedback from the team, and that they want to schedule another interview with the person who would be my supervisor!! Woohoo! So, I am going back sometime in the next week or so to try and redeem myself!

This night shift thing is actually not bad. My husband is currently at a training a few hours away, so I have no problem working long hours, sleeping, then coming back to work. (Though he did manage to sneak away for about 12 hours this weekend!) I have really gotten a chance to get to know a couple of the women I have worked with this past year. I know that they have both struggled with alcohol use in the past (though we haven’t spoken about it) and it is a nice thing to have conversations with people that aren’t centered on how “f****ed up” we got last weekend.

Sadly, a young guy we work with was arrested for a DWI last night. Unfortunately he will probably not be working with us much longer. Where I work- current or a history of alcohol abuse or misuse has a zero tolerance level. They will help you get treatment before they fire you- but you will always be let go.

I am looking forward to getting back to normal though. Can't wait for hubby to come home on Tuesday, can't wait to get back into the gym and actually start training for my tri-athlon, can't wait to find out where my career path will lead me!

Things I Have Learned While Working A 12 Hour Night Shift

2010-08-21T23:58:00.001-04:00

An ongoing journey into the hilarity that comes after midnight
1. My sobriety countdown is moving faster
2. This is a week I am just not getting back....
2. Some people just don't have a sense of humor at 3am
3. When something bad happens at 4am it is really good to have the least important job in the building
4. Knock knock jokes are always funny...no matter what the other person says.
5. Requiring people to buzz to get into the office opens them up to all sorts of pranks and jokery (see #4)..

60 days!!!

2010-08-20T01:13:00.000-04:00

Go me!

The night shift

2010-08-19T01:39:00.000-04:00

I am 7 1/2 hours into a 14 hour night shift. It's amazing what you can find on the internet to entertain you when you are bored. Hyperbole and a half is giving me the best laugh this evening. Pretty funny stuff. I have 7 days of this shift so I am sure I will be finding a lot of interesting websites.
I made it through my sucky day yesterday- amazing what some ice cream can do for the spirit! I am appreciative for all of the comments and support I get from those who read my blog.
I have a month and a half left on the contract I am working on now and, though I have a job waiting for me when I am finished, I am not enthusiastic about going back to it- hence the job search.
At the end of today will mark exactly 60 days of sobriety. The thought of having to start my count over again if I drink is a really motivating factor to stay sober. Well, there are a lot of motivating factors- but sometimes when it just comes to the basics, I don't want to have to go thru the first 60 days again.
I am surprised how the desire to drink comes on so strongly sometimes...and other times I don't even think about it. I wonder if it will be like this all the time.
I am so thankful to have my husband who doesn't drink at all. What a blessing he is for me. Well, 6 hours and 20 minutes to go. Time for more internet surfing.

I Hate This Day

2010-08-17T18:53:00.000-04:00

ok...so hate is a strong word. But. I drove 3 hours for a job interview then talked like I had a mouth full of peanut butter! Really. Even I thought I sounded ridiculous. My interviewing skills are usually VERY GOOD- but not today. Feeling like an idiot really has me struggling today and feeling like an idiot for a 3 hour drive back home isn't so great either. This is the first day since I decided on sobriety that I really really contemplated having a drink. Blah! I am so mad at myself right now.
I am home now- planning on staying holed up tonight wallowing in self pity and starting life again tomorrow. Wouldn't be nice if we were given at least one "do over" day per year? This would be mine!!!!

Ups and Downs

2010-08-15T20:14:00.000-04:00

One moment I'm fine- the next moment not so much. I guess this is the roller coaster of recovery.
My husband left today for a 10 day business trip. Usually I would use this time to stay intoxicated since there was no sneaking involved. I would run right out of the house as he left to stock up. Today I went to the store and bought fruits and vegetables... and a few other things to get through a week of healthy eating. This will be another re-learning experience. To be home by myself and not drink.
I hurt my back late last week so working out has been impossible. I am determined to go this week even if I just stretch and sit in the hot tub.

Today I Really Wish I Wasn't An Alcoholic

2010-08-12T22:27:00.000-04:00

Today I really wished I wasn't an alcoholic. Lately, I have been fine- but today was a long day. A. Really. Long. Day. Something about standing up for 3 hours in this heat really got me. My feet hurt, my back hurt... blah. So, I was cranky and tired and thought how nice it would be to be like everyone else I know- who were going to go home and have a drink or two and call it a day. I thought about how easy it would be to fall back in the habit of grabbing some beer on the way home. But I didn't- I am on day 53 of sobriety, and honestly- making the decision to stay sober is a lot easier than making the decision to GET SOBER. Looking forward to hitting my 60 day mark.

A Touch of Depression

2010-08-10T21:50:00.000-04:00

I have been battling a touch of depression lately. I have really had no desire to do much of anything. I am keeping up with my eating plan and I am still exercising 6 days a week. I feel good that I go to the gym- but even the exercise doesn't seem to be helping me out of the funk I am in. The only thing I think about on the way home is taking a nap- which I do when I make it into the house.
On another note- today at work a few of my co-workers were talking about having drinks with dinner, or when they get home. It was really the first time I didn't feel left out of something. I didn't feel like I was missing anything by not joining in the conversation- it was a pretty nice feeling. Of course, I never underestimate my bodies ability to throw a massive craving on me- but it was a step in the right direction.

More relapse dreams and extreme tiredness

2010-08-07T15:38:00.001-04:00

I another relapse dream last night. It was another instance of me drinking before I even realized I wasn't supposed to. I felt extremely guilty in my dream and dreaded the thought of having to start my counter all over again. My thoughts are that this points to the idea that drinking was just second nature to me- that I would grab a drink before I gave any thought to the destructiveness.
I am so tired. I woke up early this morning (5:00 am) then went back to bed at 10 and slept until 12:00. Got up, ate a sandwich and went back to sleep for another 3 hours. I feel like I could sleep all weekend.

“The busy have no time for tears” (lord byron)

2010-08-04T22:55:00.000-04:00

It's easier to be sober when you are busy. I have been working and doing two workouts a day this week. It definitely takes away from opportunities to sit around and dwell about not drinking. I feel much healthier these days, my thinking is a lot sharper (I actually remember stuff), and my skin is looking a lot better. Though I have been dieting and exercising I think not drinking has had a lot to do with my face not looking so puffy lately, and my skin is appreciating the lack of poisons that I had consistently put in my body. When I am in hot yoga I imagine all the sweat to be all of the toxins in my body leaving.

Lifestyle Changes

2010-08-01T21:01:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow I am set to begin another part of the lifestyle changes in an effort to make myself much healthier.
#1-Computer habits- I am putting myself on a computer diet- no more endless sitting here on my couch with my laptop on my lap. Please rest assured that less than daily posts are no indication of my sobriety! (see schedule changes)
#2- Eating habits- I already eat relatively healthy- but it's time to put that on the forefront. My husband is having some stomach/glucose issues and so I will start planning his meals accordingly. I will continue to monitor my calorie intake but be more diligent about eating clean. More protein, healthy carbs and lots of fruits and vegetables. No more than 1200 calories a day until my workout plan requires me to consume more calories.
#3- Start triathlon training- I have a pretty intense 12 week plan to get myself back in shape. Unfortunately Tri season ends before I will be where I need to be- so barring any injury I will participate in a 5k on Oct. 30th. Then continue training for next season of Triathlons.
#4- Hot Yoga- If you haven't tried it- you should. Hot Yoga is wonderful. Yoga in a room heated to 96+ degrees for an hour. You absolutely cannot think about anything else when you are practicing. I am aiming for 4 days per week.
#5- Read!- If I have any time left I really need to start reading again.
Getting sober has been a catalyst to make myself a better person all around. I have gone 42 days without poisoning my body. Now it's time to take it to the next level.