tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2461425131079248102024-02-18T22:52:13.585-05:00Healing ImperfectlyImperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.comBlogger172125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-8597392848562495932014-08-13T09:03:00.001-04:002014-08-13T09:03:12.532-04:00RIP Robin Williams<div>
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<a href="http://healingimperfectly.blogspot.com/2010/06/guilty-conscience.html" target="_blank">My 6th post written 4 years ago. </a></div>
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Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-3008896766931356352014-06-24T18:52:00.000-04:002014-06-24T18:52:30.827-04:004 YEARS SOBER 4 years sober. Incredible.<br />
If I can do it anyone can.<br />
I lost track of my sober date, so when I came to my blog to check it out I was surprised that I had missed it. That's how life gets though, after you have been sober for a while. I stopped counting a long time ago but I still say the milestones out loud to a few of the people closest to me.<br />
I can't imagine what my life would be like right now if I had come home from Afghanistan as an alcoholic. It's hard enough managing PTSD without the added burden of being a drunk! It's a sad reality for a lot of veterans though. Self medicating through alcohol is huge in the military community. I still have friends who drink but a majority of them don't. That has been critical in recovery. You know what else I notice? The fact that my husband and I don't drink encourages other people around us not to drink. It's kind of awesome. We are in a position now of helping others who drink too much. It's easier for me to talk about to other people. My husband even refers some of our clients to me when they admit to him that they think they might have a problem with drinking.<br />
When I started on my path to sobriety I didn't tell anyone. I just sobered up. When my husband noticed that I wasn't drinking anymore I admitted to him that I knew that I was an alcoholic. And you know what? He was so proud of me for quitting. He asked me why I didn't tell him earlier. I realized at that time that I had to get sober for myself. Not for him, not for anyone else, for me.<br />
Eventually I told my cousin/best friend. She was a long time drinking buddy and it was a hard thing to do. She loved me anyways. And life went on just like that. Sober.<br />
I have had my ups and downs. It hasn't been easy all the time but something stuck with me. I can't remember where I read this- so if you wrote it let me know. I read a story about a guy who sobered up. Some time later his daughter died and he turned to alcohol. Then he said, "When I sobered up I realized she was still dead." This stayed with me because sometimes when things get bad I remember that. No matter what happens- if I start drinking the problem/issue/pain is still going to be there when I sober up.<br />
I'm 4 years sober.Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-80663414336929779132014-04-29T00:35:00.002-04:002014-04-29T00:35:50.598-04:001 second, 1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, 1 year....and now almost 4 years sober.I have been thinking about this blog a lot even though I don't find my way here very much anymore. I was thinking about how daunting it was to think about being sober FOREVER. It just seemed so impossible. I looked at the future and couldn't see a sober "me" anywhere. Then someone told me to stop thinking so big and start thinking smaller. Like one second at a time small. And the time passed just like that. The higher my sobriety counter got the more I really really really didn't want to have to start it over.<br />
So here I am- one thousand four hundred and eight days sober. That's 52 day shy of 4 years. And you know what? I remember more of the last 1408 days than I remember the previous 9 years before that!Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-80452670318719511032013-12-01T14:40:00.001-05:002013-12-01T14:40:31.296-05:00Happy HolidaysLife is moving along. I have some stress going on but life is good. I just wanted to pop in to my blog to say hi to everyone.<br />
I know when I follow blogs I tend to think someone went back to drinking if they don't post for a while. That's not the case with me. I haven't had any problems with regards to drinking.<br />
I am 3 1/2 years sober.Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-89367698445354563492013-10-27T14:09:00.000-04:002013-10-27T14:09:21.986-04:00Some setbacks...still moving forward. My stress free life has become not so stress free but I am still moving forward. It's interesting to me how one thing can set you back months in term of mental health. I have also been dealing with some chronic pain for which my doctor prescribed muscle relaxers for. They make me feel like I am dehydrated when I wake up in the morning (a feeling that I haven't had in over 3 years since I was drinking). All of this combined with my relationship with my husband being strained, life has thrown me for a loop. I am staying busy to try and get through all of this.<br />
I remember when my only coping mechanism was drinking. When I think about drinking now I think about being over emotional, sleepy, hungover, and feeling like crap because I drank so much. To top it all off- when I sobered up all of the problems were still there.<br />
I think to myself a lot of times if there is a circumstance in which I would ever drink again. It usually has to do with being surrounded by other people. I think that even though my husband and I have our moments I am blessed to be around people who don't drink.<br />
<br />Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-65254385800928300382013-08-31T17:02:00.000-04:002013-08-31T17:02:00.379-04:00Staying BusyLife is going well. Our business is getting off the ground and so far we are breaking even, which is a relief. I am currently living in a stress free environment. Being stress free is definitely helping me work through my PTSD. While I continue to have crazy nightmares and I can't say I am totally depression free, I am no longer debilitated by panic attacks.<br />
The other day there was a commercial on featuring Charlie Sheen advertising alcohol free beer. In the beginning of the commercial he leaves rehab and everyone he sees is drinking. I laughed and told my husband that that is exactly how it was for me when I stopped drinking. It was like everyone I saw was drinking. It made me feel like I was missing something at that time.<br />
I am way over that now. I am so very fortunate to be surrounded by people who don't drink.<br />
Life is good.Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-31607636917652157072013-07-05T00:03:00.000-04:002013-07-05T00:03:11.239-04:003 years... and a couple of days.I was so busy with the planning and preparation for our grand opening that I totally missed my 3 year sobriety mark. It feels pretty good to not have to look at that counter for validation that much.<br />
Happy Independence Day. Please take a moment to remember those who are serving overseas.Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-49950800391963430732013-06-02T18:26:00.000-04:002013-06-02T18:26:18.192-04:00Business OwnershipAs is the case most of the time, life has thrown me a little loop. My husband and I are opening our own business and that is taking up quite a bit of my time. He will be returning from Afghanistan this week after two years apart from each other. I am so glad he will finally be here to help get this business off the ground.<br />
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I was laid off from my job last week. Last in, first out I think. Amazingly enough, I am not terribly upset about it. My husband and I have set ourselves up to be minimally dependent on my job to help get us through. It is almost a relief that I can now focus all of my energy on getting our business going. It is frustrating that my husband continues to push for me to find a new job. I guess that is what he considers to be our security. But I think once he gets home and sees what has already gone into this massive undertaking he will understand how much work it actually all is.<br />
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On another note, I have continued to eat a plant based diet for the last two months. I feel really good about it and as a side effect have lost a little bit of weight. Ironically, the other night I had a dream that I as drinking wine and eating beef. ha! It occurred to me that since I didn't feel threatened by my dream of eating beef- there was no reason for me to fear falling off the wagon just because I had a dream of relapse.<br />
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I am still struggling with PTSD. I wish, that after a year of this crap I would be feeling better. I have started therapy- but to be totally honest that, sometimes, stresses me out too!Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-67708022934975919942013-05-19T20:23:00.003-04:002013-05-19T20:23:35.731-04:00Staying busyI have been very busy lately. My husband and I are opening a mixed martial arts gym and I am doing all of the legwork while he finishes up his time in Afghanistan. We have been apart for 2 years so we could make this happen. We have a great spot, but the building has been vacant a long time and it really needs some TLC.<br />
I have been struggling lately with a bout of depression. My daughter has been too so we talked about how we need to try harder than most people to get out of bed and do stuff. We are trying though.<br />
Everything else is going well. No complaints. Hope you all are doing well also.Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-25875830732345970062013-04-21T02:11:00.001-04:002013-04-21T02:11:30.469-04:00Getting HealthierIt's been a rough month or more in regards to my health. At the beginning of March I ended up in the emergency room with terrible abdominal pain. I have a very high pain threshold but this was bad, even for me. I woke up in the morning to get ready for work and honestly thought I had food poisoning. I had a flashback to what it used to feel like to wake up with a hangover and I had to lay down on the floor to get myself together. I called in sick to work and went to an urgent care center that day. (that's pretty huge for me because I normally don't go to the doctor- hell..I normally don't get sick). They did some tests and sent me home with some medicine but the pain was significantly worse the next day. I woke up early and went to the emergency room. It took them 12 hours and probably every invasive test known to mankind to figure out I was having a bout of diverticulitis..along 2 other minor issues. It was humbling. I missed 10 days of work and the Dr told me I needed to have additional tests to make sure I didn't have cancer. He said it- the "C" word.. What a wake up call. (tests came back fine Thank God)<br />
Though I stopped poisoning my body years ago by giving up alcohol I never took into consideration how my diet impacted my health. Now, by any standards I am a fairly healthy eater- but had really not shown much restraint when it came to eating since I got home from Afghanistan. I decided to make a change...<br />
Since April 1st I have been following a plant based diet. I guess most people would call it vegan but I don't share a lot of the same ideals as vegans do- so feel like a fraud to call myself that.<br />
I challenged myself to give up meat and dairy products (including eggs) for the month of April. I cannot adequately express how much better I feel. I always have had the mindset that carbs were the enemy- but I feel so much better. My daughter committed to the diet change for a week and made it...and is making her way back to plant based eating- the impact it has had on her mood has been amazing.<br />
After running through the gauntlet of tests from one specialist to another it looks like I am getting back on track...and almost have a clean bill of health. I am so grateful.<br />
I am so grateful that when I was sick I didn't have to wonder if it was alcohol poisoning or a really bad hangover, and I am proud to tell every doctor who asks that I don't drink alcohol- and no, not even socially. Not ever.<br />
I hope you are all well... I am glad that I am getting back to being there.<br />
<br />Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-36349506236946598682013-03-17T22:06:00.001-04:002013-03-17T22:06:37.644-04:001000Today is my ONE THOUSANDTH day of sobriety. wow.<br />
A little less than 3 years ago I didn't think I would ever get to this point. Not ever. I had no hope that I could stop drinking. My attempts to quit drinking always involved some reward point at which I could start drinking again. When I lose 10 pounds, after three months, When summer time gets here. I was always shooting for some short term goal. I never considered giving up drinking forever until 1000 days ago- from today. 1000 days ago I drank my last drink and probably still drunk- started this blog. I had started other blogs in that drunken haze, crying over my keyboard because I knew my drinking was out of control.<br />
But 1000 days ago I was tired of forgetting, tired of gaining weight, tired of gagging when I brushed my teeth in the morning, tired of hiding my drinking from my husband, tired of losing time with my children, and tired of worrying about how all that poison was ruining my body.<br />
Starting this blog was one of the major things that helped me get through. Seeing that counter everyday was very effective for me. I would never want to have to start that clock over. Not ever.Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-15849262203303596192013-02-07T23:12:00.002-05:002013-02-07T23:12:26.033-05:00Revisiting an old postToday was a super rotten, extra horrible, not so very good day. It also happens to be my birthday.<br />
Rather than write a new post I decided to add an update to an old one found <a href="http://healingimperfectly.blogspot.com/2010/07/3-weeks-sober.html" target="_blank">here</a>. My "3 Weeks Sober" post is by far my most googled, read, (and mostly privately in emails) commented on post. <br />
I have tomorrow off- I think I'll sleep in.Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-17189214608711866322013-02-01T16:22:00.001-05:002013-02-01T16:22:16.376-05:00I'm In Here....<span class="line line-s" id="line_10" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm in here, can anybody see me?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Can anybody help?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm in here, a prisoner of history<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Can anybody help?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Can't you hear my call?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Are you coming to get me now?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I've been waiting for you to come rescue me<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I need you to hold<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">All of the sadness I can not, living inside of me<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm crying out, I'm breaking down<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I am fearing it all, stuck inside these walls<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Tell me there is hope for me<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Is anybody out there listening?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I’ve become reluctant to write here lately. Mostly because
my struggles are with PTSD and not with alcohol.</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I love this song by Sia- her voice is beautiful and the
lyrics are meaningful. Songs that have always meant the most to me - I don’t know how to explain it- but the most
meaningful songs are the ones where the lyrics are the person inside of me is
singing to the person who is on the outside. Sia’s words speak to me. </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My struggles continue with daily life. I am extraordinarily exhausted
most of the time. It makes me sad that I felt so good for a while and now feel
like I am back in a pit. I manage to go some lengths of time where I am feeling
fine- but any change or conflict is extremely difficult to overcome. </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I had the opportunity to speak to a friend of mine who also
deployed- only her time was in Iraq. She asked me how I was doing and I told
her I was struggling. She shared something with me that I could really relate
to. She said that when she got home she felt like she was crazy- she actually
wondered if all of the things really happened. Being in a war zone is like
living in some surreal place that when you leave you wonder if you were ever
there at all- but you have the scars to prove it. </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I have started back in hot yoga- something I looked fo</span></i><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">rward
to before I went to Afghanistan. I also start shift work next week- which means
I will have days off during the week…I am looking forward to that as well.</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I hope all is well with all of you. Thank you for the
ongoing support. </span></i></div>
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Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-66030941373135644172013-01-11T23:08:00.003-05:002013-01-11T23:08:43.244-05:00Happy New YearMy husband was home from Afghanistan for the holiday season. It was nice to have him here- he flew back yesterday. My Christmas was nice. My "miracle" medication isn't quite as potent, but it has gone a long way to battling my anxiety. I feel good not having to feely dopey and medicated just to function.<br />
My mother sent me a bottle of wine for Christmas. I had to chuckle a little bit. I moved to the east coast 8 years ago to get away from her. I guess we are attempting to fix our relationship but I haven't had a conversation of any substance to let her know I have been sober for over 2 1/2 years. I'll take the bottle to a friend of mine at work. It feels good to not feel like alcohol in the house is some ominous visitor.<br />
My husband tells me all the time how proud he is of me. That makes me feel good.Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-60711591911497715212012-12-02T13:54:00.000-05:002012-12-02T13:54:14.312-05:00A Christmas Miracle? Last week was a terrible week for me. I am transitioning jobs so I had the week off and really wanted to get some stuff done around the house. I made appointments for everyday of the week.<br />
Everything was thrown off though because I had to go to a specialist for a root canal on Monday. Frankly- I don't know why THAT guy calls himself a specialist because there was NOTHING special about HIM!!!! ha!!! I was in pain the entire week. I was a total mess taking vicodin and not wanting to combine that with clonazepam (as I said earlier I inadvertently threw myself into withdrawals).<br />
But something changed. The week before last I saw a new psychiatrist who specializes in PTSD. She tweaked some of my medication and we opted for mail order delivery of my medicine so that I wouldn't have to wait at the pharmacy for hours. Well- it took well over a week to get here.<br />
Friday night, for the first time, I took Gabapentin (brand name Neurontin). Using it for anxiety is an off label use but my psychiatrist said people SWEAR by it. On Saturday morning I took it again and I have to tell you- it was like someone lifted this veil of depression/funk/fog that has been with me for SO long. It feels like a miracle right now. I honestly just can't believe that it worked so fast and so amazingly.<br />
I feel like I am in some movie right now where someone gets a miracle drug and they are all better but they have some horrifying side effect. I'm waiting to grow a third arm or something!!<br />
Anyways, the purpose of my posts are never to recommend medication or advocate for or against there use. I am just telling you that I feel like a new person. Or like the person I used to be.<br />
I have been down for so long that I forgot how I used to feel when I was well. It's amazing. My kids are amazed. I would say I am speechless about it but I don't want to stop talking about how amazing I am feeling right now.<br />
I understand the medication will stabilize- and it's not without it's side effects. But holy cow! I am in such a good place right now that I can't believe it.<br />
I start a new job tomorrow and I am looking forward to it. I have a lot of stuff going on but finally feel like I am up to the challenges that I have coming.<br />
On another note- I don't know how to describe it- but I feel so good right now that it reminded me of the times I used to go out and actually have fun! Always with alcohol involved of course. I wondered if this new/old me would find that challenging. So I am in this with my eyes wide open and alert to continue on my path of sobriety.<br />
I think we'll get our Christmas tree today!Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-25522174647805942562012-11-28T14:34:00.001-05:002012-11-28T14:34:25.982-05:00The Whole Truth<br />
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None of my doctors know the whole truth about me. I have only admitted to having a drinking
problem to one doctor- on one occasion several years ago. She gave me a
prescription to help me stop drinking. I went to the bar while the prescription
was being filled (figuring that would be my last drink), and never went back to
see her. </div>
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I didn’t quit drinking that time. I was too embarrassed to
go back there to see her, and have no desire to go back there so she can review
my medical record to see that ONE appointment... even though I have been sober for
a while now. </div>
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I didn’t realize how much of a problem not ever telling a
doctor would become. This problem has become a bigger issue lately as I am
treated for PTSD. After two years of sobriety I was prescribed clonazepam for
anxiety. I’m not an expert but the Dr who prescribed it to me told me to be
careful when I took it because it mimicked alcohol- and since I didn’t drink it
might impact me more than it did other people. </div>
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I met with another Dr recently for a medication follow-up
and she made some tweaks to my medication. I will continue to take clonazepam
but add another medication for depression and a more proactive drug for
anxiety. (instead of reacting to anxiety by taking clonazepam which I will only
take if I have a full blown anxiety attack). </div>
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Here is where the problem came in- I have been taking
clonazepam for 6 months- and when I stopped taking it on Sunday I didn’t
realize I would go through withdrawals. But I did. I am. I wish I had been more honest
with my doctors all along. But I wasn’t. So now I am here- reading all I can
about weaning myself off clonazepam. I
had dental work on Monday and was given Vicodin for pain. So I haven’t taken
clonazepam because I am super paranoid about mixing medication. It finally hit
me last night that my motion sickness and upset stomach wasn’t a result of the
vicodin- it was the withdrawal from clonazepam. </div>
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I wish I had been honest with a doctor- ANY doctor about
being an alcoholic. So I encourage you to find a doctor you can have an honest conversation with about your use of alcohol or drugs. </div>
Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-1512357285642491362012-11-23T21:52:00.002-05:002012-11-23T21:52:26.104-05:00Happy ThanksgivingI am enjoying my time with my family. Life is good.Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-70991996406266312822012-11-03T21:03:00.002-04:002012-11-03T21:03:08.610-04:00Anxiety...I was supposed to travel with work last week. Originally I was scheduled to be gone for 4 weeks and then that changed to 3 weeks. On the day I was scheduled to leave I had an anxiety attack and called my boss and made up a lie about my childcare provider not coming through for me. Since I am on the east coast and Hurricane Sandy was on it's way I got a pass. I doubt I will get another one.<br />
Right now the thought of travelling away from my kids is overwhelming. I am in a desperate rush to find a new job that does not require me to travel.<br />
I feel that I have gotten too dependent on my anxiety medication (even though it's a small dose) so I am taking action. On Monday I am starting my workout plan. My workouts will coincide with the time my son is training for his high school sport- so I have no excuse not to be out and moving too.<br />
I am thankful to be sober. I think back a lot to how I used to handle everything. I think back to waking up and having a drink then falling asleep- then doing it all over again. Now I am emotionally available to my kids and it shows.Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-42540356245791318492012-10-09T18:47:00.000-04:002012-10-09T18:47:31.671-04:00Changing FocusAlcoholism is no longer the main struggle in my life.<br />
I have been officially diagnosed with PTSD. My brain feels like it has betrayed me. Even the smallest amount of stress is unbearable, anxiety is high all the time.<br />
Funny- as I write this I realize how lucky I am to NOT be a drinker anymore. I cannot quantify what is going on inside my mind but I know I am better off than many who attempt to drink away the horrible feelings that they have.<br />
I have an invisible wound that I cannot explain or understand. I just know I am glad I don't have the added issue of drinking.<br />
I am thankful to be sober.Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-57099648704431441472012-09-19T20:23:00.002-04:002012-09-19T20:23:24.543-04:00Teased for being sober!?!?!I had an interesting experience the other day at work. I am known for being a relatively healthy eater and was sitting with a few other co-workers eating lunch. One of the guys from another team came over and sat down for a few minutes.<br />
Now for the record- we all rib each other all the time. But somehow the subject turned to me and he said (rather disdainfully I might add), "you don't drink, do drugs, smoke, or do any tobacco products at all do you?"<br />
I told him "Nope."<br />
It was an odd situation. I had to reflect a little. Am I a goody two shoes now because I eat healthy and don't drink, smoke, or do drugs?? I just told him "I USED to be the life of the party" and left it at that. Thinking back, I shouldn't have even qualified my intial response. No, I don't drink and I don't feel like I am missing out on life because of that. In fact, all those times I used to drink and get drunk- those are now spent doing things that I actually REMEMBER!!!!Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-40485670077842601992012-09-15T21:42:00.001-04:002012-09-15T21:42:43.440-04:00Still moving forward<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Life is moving forward. I continue to move along with it in
a nice sober state. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Alcoholism is no longer the primary concern in my life as I
try to wrap my brain around what is going on in …well… my brain. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I first got home from Afghanistan I already knew that I
was having some issues. I had been having nightmares for almost a year now. The
anxiety kicked in around January. I have suffered from depression before- but
this is much different than the overwhelming sadness I have felt in the past.
Now I just feel a sense of darkness. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The first psychiatrist I visited 3 weeks after I got back to
the states prescribed Ambien to sleep, Klonipin for anxiety, and Prazosin for
nightmares. I had a pretty good idea that Ambien and Klonipin together was not
a great idea so I don’t take much ambient. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I spoke to another psychiatrist on Friday who agreed and
moved me to an anti-depressant, kept me on Klonipin with the hopes that the
anti-depressant would decrease my anxiety so I could quit that. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am not a big fan of being on klonipin. I don’t take it
unless I am extremely anxious because it reminds me too much of drinking. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have another appointment for a PTSD evaluation on
Monday. I don’t even care at this point
to put a name on what is going on with me. I just want to feel normal. </div>
Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-37063749670650814892012-08-25T23:49:00.004-04:002012-08-25T23:49:54.212-04:00Being a sober role model<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel removed from alcoholism right now. Usually I feel
that little tugging that reminds me that I have to be diligent against
drinking. I am not delusional into
thinking that I am no longer an alcoholic, I know that I will always be. But right now it just feels different.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My life has improved significantly since I quit drinking.
Now I cannot imagine why I spent so much time drinking myself to sleep. I am
enjoying a remarkable relationship with my kids. I know that if I was in my previous
routine I would not be spending as much quality time with them. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We are all healing emotionally from being apart the past
year. They went through some
difficulties while I was gone and it is wonderful to see them gain self
confidence and to see them show their wonderful personalities. I feel like I
really am a good role model for them now. I had a conversation with my daughter
(who will be off to college next year) and we started talking about drinking
and how being drunk in college can increase her chances of being sexually assaulted.
I was able, for the first time in my life, to say, “well, you see me that me
and your step-father don’t drink, and we have a great time.” She said “yeah, I know!”
It transformed my feelings of being an
alcoholic to a sober role model. Amazing.</div>
Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-91253342675603796242012-08-18T22:47:00.001-04:002012-08-18T22:47:15.060-04:00FocusedLife has taken an interesting twist lately. I have kicked into super mom mode and any of my own personal issues have taken a backseat to the needs of my children. I have them both back with me. Originally my daughter was going to be spending her final year of high school with her father where she has attended the last three years. She spent the summer with me and went back to a less than emotionally supportive situation. After 9 days in the house she called me and I got her on the first plane back to me.<br />
My week since then has been focused on trying to get her into an emotionally stable place. She is resilient and is adapting well. I am glad to have her back with me. I don't think I would be in this place if I hadn't stopped drinking because I don't think I would be so successfully focusing on helping her get better.<br />
While my drinking wasn't a part of the decision to let them for live with their father and step-mother it didn't help me with my parenting. I am glad to have my babies back.<br />
<br />Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-40994788749988596862012-08-05T16:19:00.001-04:002012-08-05T23:57:52.761-04:00Old FriendsI had lunch with an old friend today. Someone I hadn't seen in about 12 years. When we met I think I was probably drinking every time I saw him. Lunch today was different- I ordered lemonade. It seems small but it is moments like this that let me know I am not worried about perception anymore. I don't care if my old friends know I don't drink anymore. My thinking that I had to be drinking to be "fun" were ridiculous. It does seem silly when I think about it. Why would I spend so much time worried about how other people felt about me being sober? I did though and for a lot of years it was one of my great excuses to keep drinking.Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-246142513107924810.post-40786443768621896032012-07-27T16:57:00.001-04:002012-07-27T16:57:10.742-04:00Routine sweet routineI started work last Friday. What a relief it is to have a routine again. I haven't always needed to have a routine- but it sure is helping my mental health right now.<br />
I have a little flexibility with my work hours and the atmosphere is pretty laid back. I am back in the gym finally- that helps too.<br />
I can't say that I am all better when it comes to my mental health- but it's better this week. Or at least I am busy enough not to dwell on it. In spite of all the stress and anxiety I have been feeling lately I have never thought about drinking. It's amazing to me that I have come that far- to the point where drinking isn't the first thing I think about when life gets out of control.Imperfectly Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13437496383183602776noreply@blogger.com0