Tomorrow is going to suck. As part of a mutual custody agreement my kids will be going back to stay with their dad. This is the first time they will be leaving and I am not drunk or on my way to being drunk. Instead this time I am wallowing in all my miserableness. Actually feeling stuff really sucks and I hate it. I took them out to eat tonight and really considered ordering a non-alcoholic beer- but I didn't. In the end I just couldn't do it. I didn't really know how it would affect me, or if the tiny amount of alcohol in it would make me feel anything.
I know that a lot (or most?) people in recovery steer way clear of even cooking with alcohol- I haven't done that. I still boil my shrimp in beer and make my clams with white wine. I would probably even eat cake made with alcohol. Is that dumb? Maybe... maybe it is alcoholic rationalization. But I don't go out and search out food only made with alcohol.
Anyways- I am experiencing all the emotions that go with saying goodbye to my babies (ok- they aren't babies anymore- but they are MY babies!) Tomorrow is going to suck.
I just spoke with an old, old friend of mine yesterday who has 25 years sober. He was remembering when he first got sober; he spent a lot of time crying in front of his therapist, who told him that this was what he was supposed to be doing: feeling his feelings without putting chemicals in his body to kill them. ... Feelings pass. They're OK. I imagine them as waves in the sea, just passing. They pass. I breathe, and my breath lifts me to the top of the wave.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on 37 days sober. --G
Thank you for the positive words Guinevere... every bit of encouragement helps. And yes, it is time to just feel.
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