Why Don’t I Want To Get Sober?

I can’t count how many times I asked myself this question before I finally took the step to clean up. Not wanting to stop drinking was my biggest reason for …well… drinking.  Ultimately I felt like IF I actually had a problem I would want to not have that problem anymore. Like the flu. Sort of. No one likes the flu, and everyone wants to be well again. But alcohol isn’t like that for me. Regardless of how shitty it made me feel to wake up with a hangover. Regardless of how much money I spent on alcohol.  Regardless of the distance drinking put between me and my family. I still wanted to drink.

I don’t even think I consciously wanted to be sober when I finally gave up drinking for good. I convinced myself that it was to lose weight, to connect with my family, or to prevent health problems that were eventually coming, to improve my memory. But really, I didn’t want to quit.

Thank God my original excuses to quit were convincing enough to keep me sober long enough to realize that I really DO want to be sober. 

Always Faithful

I went to a dignified transfer for 6 fallen Marines today. It is the second one I have been to since I have been here. The first one I attended a couple of weeks ago moved me profoundly. The experience is so emotional and sad and I pledged then that I would go to every one that I could- because if that was my brother, or husband, or son I would hope that others would be there to show respect for their sacrifice.
It was rainy and snowy today. Felt like God was weeping for this loss and for the so many other losses we have experienced here.
Semper Fidelis Brothers. Gone for Never Forgotten.

They played the Marine Corps Hymn

From the Hall of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli;

We fight our country's battles

In the air, on land, and sea;

First to fight for right and freedom

And to keep our honor clean:

We are proud to claim the title

Of United States Marine.

Our flag's unfurled to every breeze

From dawn to setting sun;

We have fought in every clime and place

Where we could take a gun;

In the snow of far-off Northern lands

And in sunny tropic scenes;

You will find us always on the job

The United States Marines.

Here's health to you and to our Corps

Which we are proud to serve;

In many a strife we've fought for life

And never lost our nerve;

If the Army and the Navy

Ever look on Heaven’s scenes;

They will find the streets are guarded

By The United States Marines.

103 days to go!

It has been a rough couple of weeks here. I am sure if you Google Kandahar you might see a little bit of what we are experiencing. I am grateful to work in a relatively safe place. I had a particularly bad day on Monday. It was sort of odd because after a huge blow-up my minds first thought was- "If I was home I would definitely...." and then I stopped- because normally that would have ended with "get a drink".. but my thought didn't end like that. I thought- wow...normally I would head straight to the bar, or the store, but that's not an option anymore. If I was home I think I would have gotten into bed and pulled the covers over my eyes and laid right there for a while. Or maybe I would have gone to the gym and run a little bit, or gone for a swim. Or maybe I would have really thrown in the towel and gotten some Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream!
One thing Afghanistan has done for me- it has made it easy for me to stay sober. It seems strange to me to see so many fascinated by alcohol. I think they are so narrow minded for equating every fun moment they have had to being drunk. That used to be me : (  
I have 103 days left in this country. I have been in the Middle East almost 8 months. I have a lot of things to do when I get home- including finding a job. Right now my job is so intense I'd like to do something that doesn't require any brain power!! I wonder if being a yoga teacher, or a masseuse would pay the bills!?!??! Oh the joy of listening to gentle music and helping others restore their own peace of mind. 
103 days. 

Happy New Year

Happy New Year! If you decided 2012 is the year you will be sober- then congratulations on Day 2! If you are considering getting sober- start today. Make up your mind, stop making excuses and do it. The sooner you do the sooner you can stop beating yourself up about being a drunk.
I had a lot of do-overs before I finally quit for good....but I am so glad I did. You're not missing out on anything in life by being sober.
Here's to 2012!