Happy Halloween

Tonight we will be headed out to dinner and a comedy club instead of handing out candy. Now that I spend the week in the city we cherish every moment we have together on the weekends. I am so glad that I get to enjoy the time as a sober person. 
I was thinking about my co-workers from my last job. They would tell me how they would take their kids trick or treating with a big cup of rum punch. At the time I thought, "Damn! Why didn't I think of that?" Every thought used to be figuring out how I could be drinking every moment. I am happy that I get to use my brain power for things other than sneaking a couple of drinks. 
Hope you all have a safe and sober Happy Halloween!

Peaceful

I don’t know how long this feeling will last- but I feel that I have gotten over that hump where everything I think about has to do with drinking. It’s not on my mind so much anymore and not drinking doesn’t feel like a big deal. I’ve gotten a lot of encouragement over the last 4 months telling me that alcohol won’t be on my mind everyday forever. They were right.

I feel really good. Life is going well and I am coping with stress in a healthy manner. I am eating right and exercising. I am doubtful that this feeling will last forever- but it is here now and I am grateful. At this point I know that it is possible to feel this way so if I get to feeling distressed again I will know there is light.  

Milestones

I feel good. Very good. Lately drinking or the act of not drinking has not been on my mind very much. Mostly I think about me not thinking about drinking. I am in a good place... I am so thankful to be sober. 

Mad but.... Triumphant!?!?

Today someone made me mad. Really really really mad. When I say mad- I mean red faced, eyes bulging, sweating, cursing mad!! I'm still kinda mad to tell you the truth!
BUT..... for the first time EVER I did NOT feel like I wanted to go have a drink. As a matter of fact- the only time I thought about alcohol was in my thinking that "wow- this would usually drive me to want to throw a few back." But I didn't feel like that.This is a monumental moment in my sobriety. Today I am 4 months sober. 
Instead of drinking today to blow off steam I will be going to the gym.... I'm pretty damn proud of myself. 

Stable and Happy

I was driving to work today thinking how nice it is to wake up in the morning and not feel shaky and nauseous.  When I went to get take out for dinner (Indian food- yum!) I thought how wonderful it was not to have that feeling that I needed to have a drink while I waited for my order, and how nice it was to be thinking about stopping at 7-11 to get a crème soda and not a beer.  While I was working out this evening I thought how nice it is to be able to do sit-ups more effectively since I have lost 15lbs by simply not drinking anymore.

Life is good.

I did have to give myself a bit of a reality check. I had enrolled in 3 classes- they turned out to be way too much, and I don’t really need them, so I dropped them. I figure with the move, travelling home on the weekends, a new job, a new 2^nd job,  working out, and hopefully a meditation class, that the academic stress isn’t really necessary.  I decided to stop putting so much pressure on myself and just enjoy my life as much as possible.

I am a day or two away from 4 months of sobriety ( My longest stint of sobriety since 1998).  I feel really good. Thank you all for all the support- you are all awesome! 

Sabotage I Tell You!!!!

I made my long drive home last night for the weekend. When I got home my husband and I decided to go to a little Grille to grab some dinner. I had a good week of eating healthy and clean so I was having a major craving for a greasy cheeseburger!! We sat down and the waitress asked us for our drink order. My husband ordered a virgin pina colada and I asked for my non alchy fave - a shirley temple. (speaking of that a cop in a restaurant teased me the other day about ordering a shirley temple!) Anyways- back to the story. The waitress came back with a virgin pina colada and a strawberry daiquiri. I told her I had ordered a shirley temple but the daquiri  looked so yummy that I said that I would keep it- (thinking it would be virgin like my husbands since I had originally ordered a non-alcoholic drink and thinking that since my husband ordered a virgin drink she would have brought me the same.) Before my I stuck my straw in to take a drink my husband asks the waitress if it had alcohol in it. IT DID! Blech! Sabotage!!!! 
I pushed it away and told her that I wouldn't drink it and to please bring me my original drink of a shirley temple. 
Lessons learned here: 
Thank God I had shared with my husband that I was an alcoholic and that there was no circumstance in which I should drink again. If he hadn't asked if that drink had alcohol in it who knows what kind of spiral it would have caused. 
Sometimes- no matter how hard you try there will be some bizarre circumstance like this that will test your will. 


I was shaken by the incident. At this exact moment it doesn't seem to be that big of deal...but it certainly was last night. 
Oh- and she still messed up my drink order- she brought me back another daquiri- this time with NO alcohol. 

Reflections

I hate reading my first post. I also hate reading anything else I wrote about being an alcoholic prior to this blog. I think I started several with “I have a high tolerance for alcohol”, “No one knows I drink so much” “No one realizes how bad it is” ….what an ass I sounded like. I have been sober for almost 4 months now and I have grown leaps and bounds with much more growth to come.  The reality is that of course I had a high tolerance for alcohol…I drank every damn day- all day. Another reality, lots of people knew how bad it was, a lot of people knew how much I drank.  Most of them just happened to be drinking with me- most of them also still don’t know how bad it is for them.

I still lack a spiritual foundation from which to grow- while I am sure some would argue that should have been first on my list- I just wasn’t ready. I am a Christian who really came to know the blessings that come from above when I was 24 years old. I found a pastor and church that helped me grow and learn so much. But 9 years have passed since I moved to another state and I have grown away from church and the routine of worship. Honestly, I haven’t even looked for a church since I moved. I don’t even have an excuse nor will I try to make one here. What I can do is make a conscious effort to improve my personal relationship with God.

Now is the time to start back on a spiritual path. I have never really touched the subject of AA meetings on my blog because I know people have such strong feelings about the subject. I also know that many have read my blog consider me a “dry drunk” because I haven’t used a program to facilitate my recovery. All I can say is “so far so good.” I think subliminally I have asked God over and over again to help me with my recovery. I also long for a way to focus and calm my mind from daily trivialities. I have written before about my desire to find a meditation group- that is still on my short list of things to do (found a gym- the other item on my short list). I may also start shopping for a church that my husband and I can attend together when I am home on weekends.

I am appreciative for everyone who reads my blog and comments either privately or publicly. The amount of encouragement is so helpful. Thank you for helping me stay motivated.  The internet has been a blessing in my recovery- so many resources and personal stories. I am off to study- I hope you all have a wonderful and sober weekend. I know I will! 

Relaxing weekend

I am so grateful for this three day weekend. I get lots of time to hang out with the hubby. Did the grocery shopping today and ran errands so I get to be a lazy bum (except for homework from the classes I am taking) for the rest of the weekend. Just might try and stay in my pajamas until Tuesday morning!
Main goal for next week- find a gym! 
Living away from home is hard- but my husband and I seem to be yin and yang. Whenever i am feeling down he is supportive..and by the time he is feeling down I am able to be strong for him. 
I realize that my blogs seem to lack continuity in posts- but that is how my mind is working right now. 
I consistently notice commercials about drinking, alcohol, and I am hyper-sensitive to people talking about drinking. I asked my husband if he ever notices and he says he doesn't. Hopefully I am getting closer to that. 

Staying Busy

The new job is going well- boring.. but nothing to complain about. One of my co-workers is all over the place with her organization and work habits- but not much I can do about that other than keep doing my job.
I also got another little part time thing going on and that has really helped with the transition. It takes up more time and adds a little money to take off the stress of the extra expense of me living away from home.
The initial shock of being up here by myself has worn off a little. I am not walking by restaurants thinking about happy hour. My roommate still has beer in the fridge- though it is not staring me directly in the face every time I open the fridge.
I was contemplating beginning to take anti-depressants again but my husband encouraged me to give exercise a try before I do. I think I will try that.
So far I have marked a few things off my list- got a job, got a part time job, started taking classes. Now I have to find and then make time to go to the gym. I really want to find time to start going to a meditation class but haven't managed to find one that fits with my schedule.

Candid conversations

I miss my husband a lot. It's amazing what a little time away will do for a relationship. The time apart is really reminded us not to take each other for granted. When I went home this weekend I think we stayed right beside each other every moment that we could.
Recently we had been having a conversation about some old friends. He asked me how I could just "dump" them like that. I explained to him that they didn't know how to have fun without involving alcohol and I really didn't need that in my life. I guess he didn't believe me because he friended one of them on facebook. I was SO mad at him.... Turns out he got the answer himself- the first thing my friend told him was to tell me 'hi' and that we needed to go out for drinks.
He told me all this and then told me how proud he was of me, how he had known this was a problem for me for a while. I really love him.