I have been in a dark place lately. I have suffered from bouts of depression in the past but this is something different. I have been having morbid thoughts of death and injury of my family. I am not sure if this is a product of me spending so much time without them lately and feeling that I am missing them. My mind is f*in with me! I have decided to start taking anti-depressants again. I would really like my Christmas with my family to not revolve around my mental health.
It occurred to me that I might have felt this way before but just drank the feelings away…drowning out my dreams in drunken sleep. Now it seems ridiculous that I would drink.. it’s just going to cause me a headache, and in the end everything is still going to be right where I left it.
It seems weird that it is Christmas time- I should be happy and cheerful. Hopefully those feelings will hit me soon.
I'm sorry to hear that you have hit a bad patch. If you need anti-depressants then maybe they will help; only you and your doctor can decide that.
ReplyDeleteI've found that the fact that the booze has gone means all sorts of emotions come to the surface - somethimes things I'd rather not face. I know it probably sounds like a cliche but the tide always comes back. The great thing is that you aren't drinking away your feelings.
Sounds like you've gone the anti-depressant route before.
ReplyDeleteI did that over years, took them, decided to quit them, took them again, decided to quit them again. Different types tried.
Sadly the reasoning was pitiful. Some because I couldn't take them and drink successfully, some because they didn't make me feel right, some because I believed I was better now so I stopped.
I'm glad I had tried it all and even though it didn't work there was still an answer, I'm even more grateful now that I've been given a way of living that has removed the thoughts (I sure know how you feel about those terribly disturbing thoughts!) And the feeling of believing I should be able to control my emotions and "feel and think right." Like I can think myself, will myself into thinking differently.
I learned that it wasn't the drink cause I had put that down, it wasn't a chemical imbalance ... cause I kept adding chemicals and didn't get the lasting results I needed. I thought to myself I'm not some outright mental defective or anything, I just have a little problem and I needed to figure it out.
I hope you get the results you're seeking! Doctors are very helpful! Especially when I tell them the truth, that I quit drinking and am having some trouble with uncontrolled thoughts and emotions.
If you happen to have the same problem i did with the chemicals not really working like I thought they should. There's something else available.
I'm glad you're still here blogging! As I read your profile I think it's great you're still blogging and sharing your experience.
:)