Frozen

I am paralyzed by a bout of depression. I don’t know where it came from but I have been laying in this bed for way too long with no desire to get out. Not the “you need your rest” type of laying. I feel debilitated and sad. I have contemplated reasons  for the last several days. There are plenty of reasons for me to feel like this but I make no excuses.

I often wrestle with the prospect of taking anti-depressants again but I like NOT taking them. I like being able to “snap myself out of it”. Usually exercise is a partial anti-depressant but I can’t do that for another couple of weeks. I have a million other ideas as to how to get myself out of this but the blanket of depression is heavy and hard to get out from under.   

I'm Cranky

Maybe it's because I have been in the house for so long, or the lack of exercise,  or maybe it's because the hostess seated a couple who got to a restaurant AFTER me in a much better seat BEFORE me, maybe it's because I stubbed my little toe so hard against a stupid piece of firewood that it is sure to be broken. Hell...maybe it's because I took stupid vicodin to not be in pain from surgery and I am going through another detox- trying to cleanse my body of all toxins again. Or maybe it's because I have been so stinking bored. Maybe it's the stupid IRS pushing back the delivery of our income tax return that is going to help us get through this time I have been off work. I don't know what it is- my best bet is that it is a combination of all of these things- but I am in temper tantrum- lay on the floor, stomp my feet, roll around crying- temper tantrum mode.
Sigh... the positives
- I went to see The Kings Speech today (good movie). I really wanted to watch Black Swan before it disappears from every theater but I didn't want to fight traffic to get to the rundown theaters that still have it!
- I am thoroughly rested having gotten more sleep that everyone except a hibernating bear.
- I have gotten to spend some wonderful time at home with my husband.
- The 800 mg of motrin have numbed the pain in my toe.
- The pain meds are thoroughly out of my system and I can think again- will have to start that book soon, now that I'll be able to remember it.
- I am sober- even though I don't particularly care to be at this exact moment. But I realize that drinking will then just make me a cranky hung-over person. Blah.
Lately (of course with the moodiness) I have been focusing on the "fun" part of drinking. I can say without a doubt that my carefully constructed, very busy, normal life keeps me sober without too much issue. I love being home, but I am ready to get back to being busy to give my mind a rest from this constant bombardment of crankiness.

Monotony

I have been very busy healing (read being a lazy bum, eating, sleeping, wash, rinse, repeat.) I have noticed that when I am idle like this I think more about drinking. I am quite sure pain medication didn't help either. I guess it's good that I keep busy all the time. I stopped taking the pain meds as soon as it was realistic. I didn't realize what little effect they had on me when they weren't combined with alcohol. My husband watched in amazement because they didn't put me right to sleep. I swear he could lick an aspirin and be out for hours. 
I used to brag about high tolerance- now- not so much. 
I go back to work next week. I am glad to get back in the saddle but not so happy about going back to my home away from home in the city.  

Healing...

Surgery went well...no complaints with the exception of a little chaos in the post-op overnight and getting checked out later than expected.
I am home now and resting. Thankfully I am in less pain than I thought I would be.
My husband is working hard on being good to me- poor thing is just so inept at being a care taker. We are definitely having "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" moments. I do think that he just loves and cares about me so much that he doesn't know exactly how to help- and of course I am overly sensitive with the pain and medication.
Last time I had surgery I was more than happy to include alcohol with my pain medication. It was an opportunity to be intoxicated when I had an excuse. I am thankful everyday to not be in that place anymore.
Lately though, honestly, I have been forgetting that I am an alcoholic. I have not been tempted to drink, but it is just a reminder to always be diligent- and that there are times when I won't feel like alcohol is such an evil thing to me. But of course I remember. I am so glad to be sober.

Changing it up

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much time I sit here in front of my laptop doing pretty much of nothing. I really need to find a hobby! I think if I was being productive it would be different but I really just sit here checking out the same websites over and over again. If there is ever any late breaking news I will be all up on it!

My husband and I decided that we are going to make a concerted effort to start reading more. I took the liberty of ordering a lot of books on Amazon. Gotta love those one cent books that you only have to pay for shipping. I’ve always wanted a library- time to start working on that. It will be nice to read books as a sober person and then actually remember what I read. 

What are YOUR favorite books?

Getting Ready

My surgery date is scheduled for February 15th. I am happy it is not anything too major- just a "tune up" so to speak.  I have done as much as I can so that my work is not interrupted and have been talking a lot to my husband. I have to giggle a little bit because as much as he truly truly loves me- he sure sucks at caregiving when I am sick. I think if he had his way I would lay in bed for 2 months without moving. I have been breaking him into what my needs are going to be and how I need to move around as much as I am comfortable with.
Monday was my birthday so we spent the weekend hanging out together. I am much more comfortable talking to him about alcoholism now- I guess maybe the farther away I am from it the easier it gets. He asked me how long I had gone without drinking and said we'd have to celebrate when I reach one year. It's nice to know that when he says "celebrate" alcohol never crosses his mind. As an alcoholic that used to be impossible for me to separate celebrating and alcohol. 
But I am rambling. I think it's time for a nice nap.  

Upsetting News

I got some upsetting health news today. I have to have a surgery that is going to take me out of work for at least 2 weeks (but could be up to 6 weeks). I just started this job 4 months ago so the leave time is definitely not there. 

My mother-in-law is here and she prayed over me this morning before I went to the Dr. 

After I left the office I called my husband to tell him and then just went for a drive. This is the first major news that I have gotten where alcohol wasn't something I could turn to. I decided to go for a long drive. I'm struggling, but I am glad I am sober. 8 months ago I would have come home and drank all day taking turns between drinking and sleeping. Then.. I would have woken up and still have had to face the reality of surgery. 

Being sober is a gift. 

Still Here...

Well.. after that long trip home I came back to take a nap. I was going to make the long drive home because I knew we were going to be off work. However, after that 3 hour drive I figured I would just hunker down and ride it out. That plan worked out great initially. Then the electricity went out. I curled back up in bed and figured I would just go back to sleep. Fat Chance. 
I got antsy.. didn't like not having electricity. So I went out and shoveled snow at 10:30 pm. A lot of snow. I knew I was almost out of gas so I figured I would shovel my way out then go find a gas station to fill up. I would use that time to check out the roads and the traffic and make my ultimate decision. It took my an hour and a half to get to the first gas station with electricity, 5 miles away. Traffic was still a nightmare but I was way more fortunate than others who were stuck on some roads for almost 12 hours. 
I decided to get back to the house, pack up the stuff that I could see and head home. I finally got out of the house around 1am and made it home by 4:30am. Not bad time really, considering. Driving home ultimately turned out to be the best decision because the lights were out for well over 24 hours. It was a nice 4 days at home with my husband. 
I have another milestone coming up. Next week I will turn 37 years old. It will be my first birthday since I was mmmm.. 17 years old that I don't drink. (With the exception of the two of those years I was pregnant.) It feels pretty good.