So Much To Do

I have to start making lists and taking action. I work well under stress- so right now my mind is going a million miles a minute.
I feel strong in my sobriety. I have already gotten "advice" about how to sneak alcohol... At one point of time that would have felt threatened by that suggestion. Today I quickly said "I quit drinking" and kept it moving. I am pretty proud of myself about that.
I have to get all of my personal, financial and physical affairs in order. Time to really kick my workout into overdrive. I don't want to be that person who falls out during the physical training! Speaking of... I better hit the gym today before I get that ice cream.
I will spend my one year sobriety anniversary in the middle east. I don't know if I will be able to blog when I am there. I hope that I can. It is a huge help.

Mobilization Orders

I have military orders to Afghanistan. My report date is April 30th.

C.P.A. - Couch Potatoes Anonymous

I had an epiphany of sorts the other day. I used to be a very active person but somewhere along the lines I allowed alcohol to make me a couch potato.

When I was in my really hard partying days from 2001-2005 I was always on the move.  I had no remorse about drinking and driving, or drinking and doing everything else! I went out every night I didn’t have my kids and even flew across country for a hot date or two. I stayed drunk.

When I moved and met my husband he instilled in me how bad it was to drink and drive. I was already hiding a lot of my drinking from him- so I made this accommodation so that he wouldn’t catch me. I stopped drinking and driving and started spending more time in the house drinking. I got into a habit of drinking then sleeping and then doing that all over again. My house was couch potato central. (ok….I did make it to the gym sometimes- so not 100% spud)

I have been sober now for 9 months (YAY!) and I JUST realized I have still been in that couch potato mode. It was like my eyes just opened up the other day. I realized that I only considered weekends where I laid around all day to be my “good” weekends.  I asked myself the big “what happened to me?” question.  I realized my lazy idleness has really been feeding my depression in a big way.

My remedy- I got my ass moving! This was a great weekend.  On Saturday my husband and I worked out, cleaned the yard, spent A LOT of time shopping, then went out to watch the UFC. Today I had to buy a few more things, got a pedicure, went grocery shopping,  and cooked our meals for the week. I.feel.so.much.better.

Now the big test will be how I feel this week at work! Maybe I overdid my first Non-super-lazy weekend. But hey- if you’re gonna go- go big! Hope you all have a great week.

My advice to those newly sober (and even if your not newly sober!)- KEEP MOVING! 

Keep Moving Forward

I bare burdens silently for the most part. I guess that makes me a less than stellar blogger. Right now I am facing the reality that I will most likely be somewhere in the Middle East as a reservist by the end of summer. I just figure that I can either choose to be miserable about that every single day or I can take it for what it is and keep moving forward.

Martin Luther King Jr said, “ If you can't fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but by all means- keep moving forward.” Words to live by. Alcohol was the one thing that held me back. It kept me from remembering things that I did or places that I went. It kept me from learning all there was to learn.

My husband adores me, but somehow, in all that adoration everything that happens to me is really something that happens to HIM. This is infuriating. It is my fault probably. I mean- not really- but I get it why he is like this. My surgery somehow became about him and how difficult it was for him. Same thing with my looming deployment. He is taking it very personally that I am leaving (even though he was the one who encouraged me to join in the first place!)

My writing here is always rambling and disjointed.  I suck at writing/talking about myself. I can’t tell you how many times I have written something and deleted it because I didn’t want to sound like a crybaby or I was embarrassed at appearing like a weak person.  

I really suck at....

I am a sucky step-mom. I admit it. I love my husband dearly but his two boys (ages 15 and 16) have got to be some of the most poorly behaved children EVER! Now- let me put that in perspective for you. I was a special education teacher for 8 years. For 3 of those years I taught children with autism who had extreme behavior challenges- and I was great at it. I have a ton of patience!

Let me also make a disclaimer- I am really, really, really good at hiding what is going on in my head when it comes to them. At this point I am sucky only in thought. I go out of my way to do things for them, I treat them with a tremendous amount of respect, and never EVER mistreat them.

How do I get over this? Is it possible to change the way you actually feel about someone? I spend a lot of time trying to rationalize their behavior based on the way they were raised and the circumstances they have dealt with in their life- but ultimately I have been unable to change how I feel.

Why is this coming up now? My oldest step-son is in trouble. Big trouble. I am trying hard to be supportive of my husband as I can see he is under a tremendous amount of emotional distress. I'm trying. 

Sigh… Thank God I’m sober. 

Feeling Better

I am in better spirits. Yesterday was my first day back at work..and of course after sleeping for two weeks I couldn't get to sleep the night before....sooo..I was exhausted!! I had a hard time staying awake! I got some good rest and had a much better day at work today. Even went to see Black Swan after that.
Thanks for all the encouragement. I really appreciate it.

Frozen

I am paralyzed by a bout of depression. I don’t know where it came from but I have been laying in this bed for way too long with no desire to get out. Not the “you need your rest” type of laying. I feel debilitated and sad. I have contemplated reasons  for the last several days. There are plenty of reasons for me to feel like this but I make no excuses.

I often wrestle with the prospect of taking anti-depressants again but I like NOT taking them. I like being able to “snap myself out of it”. Usually exercise is a partial anti-depressant but I can’t do that for another couple of weeks. I have a million other ideas as to how to get myself out of this but the blanket of depression is heavy and hard to get out from under.   

I'm Cranky

Maybe it's because I have been in the house for so long, or the lack of exercise,  or maybe it's because the hostess seated a couple who got to a restaurant AFTER me in a much better seat BEFORE me, maybe it's because I stubbed my little toe so hard against a stupid piece of firewood that it is sure to be broken. Hell...maybe it's because I took stupid vicodin to not be in pain from surgery and I am going through another detox- trying to cleanse my body of all toxins again. Or maybe it's because I have been so stinking bored. Maybe it's the stupid IRS pushing back the delivery of our income tax return that is going to help us get through this time I have been off work. I don't know what it is- my best bet is that it is a combination of all of these things- but I am in temper tantrum- lay on the floor, stomp my feet, roll around crying- temper tantrum mode.
Sigh... the positives
- I went to see The Kings Speech today (good movie). I really wanted to watch Black Swan before it disappears from every theater but I didn't want to fight traffic to get to the rundown theaters that still have it!
- I am thoroughly rested having gotten more sleep that everyone except a hibernating bear.
- I have gotten to spend some wonderful time at home with my husband.
- The 800 mg of motrin have numbed the pain in my toe.
- The pain meds are thoroughly out of my system and I can think again- will have to start that book soon, now that I'll be able to remember it.
- I am sober- even though I don't particularly care to be at this exact moment. But I realize that drinking will then just make me a cranky hung-over person. Blah.
Lately (of course with the moodiness) I have been focusing on the "fun" part of drinking. I can say without a doubt that my carefully constructed, very busy, normal life keeps me sober without too much issue. I love being home, but I am ready to get back to being busy to give my mind a rest from this constant bombardment of crankiness.

Monotony

I have been very busy healing (read being a lazy bum, eating, sleeping, wash, rinse, repeat.) I have noticed that when I am idle like this I think more about drinking. I am quite sure pain medication didn't help either. I guess it's good that I keep busy all the time. I stopped taking the pain meds as soon as it was realistic. I didn't realize what little effect they had on me when they weren't combined with alcohol. My husband watched in amazement because they didn't put me right to sleep. I swear he could lick an aspirin and be out for hours. 
I used to brag about high tolerance- now- not so much. 
I go back to work next week. I am glad to get back in the saddle but not so happy about going back to my home away from home in the city.  

Healing...

Surgery went well...no complaints with the exception of a little chaos in the post-op overnight and getting checked out later than expected.
I am home now and resting. Thankfully I am in less pain than I thought I would be.
My husband is working hard on being good to me- poor thing is just so inept at being a care taker. We are definitely having "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" moments. I do think that he just loves and cares about me so much that he doesn't know exactly how to help- and of course I am overly sensitive with the pain and medication.
Last time I had surgery I was more than happy to include alcohol with my pain medication. It was an opportunity to be intoxicated when I had an excuse. I am thankful everyday to not be in that place anymore.
Lately though, honestly, I have been forgetting that I am an alcoholic. I have not been tempted to drink, but it is just a reminder to always be diligent- and that there are times when I won't feel like alcohol is such an evil thing to me. But of course I remember. I am so glad to be sober.

Changing it up

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much time I sit here in front of my laptop doing pretty much of nothing. I really need to find a hobby! I think if I was being productive it would be different but I really just sit here checking out the same websites over and over again. If there is ever any late breaking news I will be all up on it!

My husband and I decided that we are going to make a concerted effort to start reading more. I took the liberty of ordering a lot of books on Amazon. Gotta love those one cent books that you only have to pay for shipping. I’ve always wanted a library- time to start working on that. It will be nice to read books as a sober person and then actually remember what I read. 

What are YOUR favorite books?

Getting Ready

My surgery date is scheduled for February 15th. I am happy it is not anything too major- just a "tune up" so to speak.  I have done as much as I can so that my work is not interrupted and have been talking a lot to my husband. I have to giggle a little bit because as much as he truly truly loves me- he sure sucks at caregiving when I am sick. I think if he had his way I would lay in bed for 2 months without moving. I have been breaking him into what my needs are going to be and how I need to move around as much as I am comfortable with.
Monday was my birthday so we spent the weekend hanging out together. I am much more comfortable talking to him about alcoholism now- I guess maybe the farther away I am from it the easier it gets. He asked me how long I had gone without drinking and said we'd have to celebrate when I reach one year. It's nice to know that when he says "celebrate" alcohol never crosses his mind. As an alcoholic that used to be impossible for me to separate celebrating and alcohol. 
But I am rambling. I think it's time for a nice nap.  

Upsetting News

I got some upsetting health news today. I have to have a surgery that is going to take me out of work for at least 2 weeks (but could be up to 6 weeks). I just started this job 4 months ago so the leave time is definitely not there. 

My mother-in-law is here and she prayed over me this morning before I went to the Dr. 

After I left the office I called my husband to tell him and then just went for a drive. This is the first major news that I have gotten where alcohol wasn't something I could turn to. I decided to go for a long drive. I'm struggling, but I am glad I am sober. 8 months ago I would have come home and drank all day taking turns between drinking and sleeping. Then.. I would have woken up and still have had to face the reality of surgery. 

Being sober is a gift. 

Still Here...

Well.. after that long trip home I came back to take a nap. I was going to make the long drive home because I knew we were going to be off work. However, after that 3 hour drive I figured I would just hunker down and ride it out. That plan worked out great initially. Then the electricity went out. I curled back up in bed and figured I would just go back to sleep. Fat Chance. 
I got antsy.. didn't like not having electricity. So I went out and shoveled snow at 10:30 pm. A lot of snow. I knew I was almost out of gas so I figured I would shovel my way out then go find a gas station to fill up. I would use that time to check out the roads and the traffic and make my ultimate decision. It took my an hour and a half to get to the first gas station with electricity, 5 miles away. Traffic was still a nightmare but I was way more fortunate than others who were stuck on some roads for almost 12 hours. 
I decided to get back to the house, pack up the stuff that I could see and head home. I finally got out of the house around 1am and made it home by 4:30am. Not bad time really, considering. Driving home ultimately turned out to be the best decision because the lights were out for well over 24 hours. It was a nice 4 days at home with my husband. 
I have another milestone coming up. Next week I will turn 37 years old. It will be my first birthday since I was mmmm.. 17 years old that I don't drink. (With the exception of the two of those years I was pregnant.) It feels pretty good. 

I Hate Snow

It took me 3 hours to get home from work today. I live 14 miles from there. 
I have never really driven in the snow (ok..not really actually is closer to never). All around me I kept seeing cars doing the exact same thing I was and they were spinning their tires..unable to move. I just kept hoping that I would not be one of the statistics that was stuck on the side of the road. The storm came on stronger than what was predicted so I don't think anyone knew it would be this horrible of a commute. I kept having visions of myself huddled up in my car on the side of the road until the next thaw!
I really really really don't enjoy snow anymore. At All. When I finally pulled into my driveway I sat in the car for a good  little while on the verge of tears. But..I am back in the house now. 
I did have the thought once or twice that if I was still drinking I would have had at least two bottles of wine on a day like this. Instead I turned to chocolate. I know not the most wholesome solution from my woes but honestly, if I could have made the drive to the gym I would have! I just didn't want it to close before I got there!!!

7 months sober

My best bit of wisdom to those who are recently sober...
It gets better. It gets A LOT better. There will be a time when you won't think about alcohol every second of every day. Hang in there!

One Word...

Ouch!
Needless to say I am doing what I said I was going to do- working out. It hasn't totally set in yet because I just had a really great workout...but tomorrow is going to be painful. Good thing this bed is close to the ground so I can roll out of it in the morning!! A protein shake might be in order for breakfast!
I am not totally out of touch with working out. I used to be though. Aside from a couple of years of playing basketball in high school I was what my husband would call "skinny fat." I was super skinny but not in shape.No fat, but definitely lacking in the muscle department. 
When I packed up and moved cross country 6 years ago I got into the gym. For the first time in my life I was a bonafide gym rat. My day just didn't feel right if I wasn't working out. I got myself in the best shape of my life! (then drank myself right out of it...then got there again..then..uhh... drank myself out of it AGAIN!) 
I am eager to reach the point again when I have a deep desire to be in the gym. This is day two and I think that feeling can't get here soon enough. 
I have been sick for the last 2 weeks or so and I am quite sure that this workout tonight has dislodged any remaining yucky stuff inside of me as I am sneezing and blowing my nose at an alarming rate. If you see a CNN story about the woman who can't stop sneezing- it's me. 
Wishing you all a wonderful week! 

Working out

Tomorrow I start my exercise and eating plan. As long as I can remember I have had some issues with body dysmorphia. I weighed about 114 pounds when I was 18 and still longed to loose weight. I hated my body. My family on my dads side has a history of morbid obesity. My grandfather died at well over 500 pounds. I remember my mom telling me when I was eating chips that if I ate them all I would get fat. (I probably weighed 109 at the time at 5'6".) That attitude stuck with me for a long time. I am 50% Portuguese decent from my dad's side. To me that means I have a butt. Growing up I hated that about myself. I remember crying one day when my older sister told me I had a bubble butt. All through high- school I played basketball but really didn't have any athletic prowess. 

When I joined the Navy I gained 15 pounds in bootcamp. I was devastated. I tried to convince myself I looked better but when I looked in the mirror I saw someone much bigger than myself. To make a long story short..I have always struggled with my own perception of my body. 

When I first moved to this state I could actually afford to join a gym. I became a bonafide gym rat and started to love my body. It was the first time ever I lost weight the right way- by exercising and eating right. No starvation diets, no diet pills. I have managed to get into great shape a few times since then but was always derailed because of my drinking. 

209 days ago I was at my heaviest of all time- 168 pounds. I would say I don't know how I let myself get like that- but I do. I consumed so many calories in just alcohol. I could have totally gone without food and still packed on the pounds. I know from research that when you drink your body stops metabolizing everything else and just works on the alcohol. 

Well, as of right now, I am 13 pounds lighter. I have gotten down to as low as 150 but am holding steady at 155. While the number on the scale is not as much of an issue for me, I am ready to get myself back into shape. I want to be stronger than I ever have before. I want to look fitter and have abs. I know I am capable of that now. Before, alcohol always zapped my motivation or derailed my diet. 

My goal is to get down to 140 pounds. I have a 13 week plan that includes core strength, weights and triathlon cardio workouts with some mixed martial arts training thrown in by my husband on the weekends. I have been getting a lot of motivation from stories and tv shows about people who started way more out of shape than I am. If they have the willpower to do it I know I can. 

This will also help me gear up for an inevitable deployment to the middle east where I will have to endure rigorous training in pre-deployment workouts. 

Here's to not making any more excuses and just doing it!

Living....

I am successfully living life as a sober person. Alcohol does not consume every thought that I have anymore, and I am thankful for that.  My life is now delightfully predictable! I used to feel so tortured inside that I could have written here three times a day- but now, I am peaceful. It has become second nature to tell people that I don’t drink (if they mention it). I don’t feel compelled to tell them my life story, if they ask, I generally just tell them that I realized I was too old to keep putting that poison in my body. I think the fact that I have lost over 15 pounds helps them to realize the benefit of not drinking for me.  When I first started that clock was such a daunting thing for me…a perpetually slow reminder of the daily torture of sobriety. Now I hardly look at it. I don’t count days down anymore. Honestly, I didn’t think I would get to this point. I didn’t think I would be strong enough now to not struggle on a daily basis. Even though I spend a lot of time alone now- I am still stronger. Strong…but diligent. I am not naïve to the fact that I have to remember why I can’t take another drink.

I am so thankful for sobriety – much more so than I ever thought I would be. 

Happy Sober New Year

This New Years I am hanging out with the kids with a bottle of sparkling apple cider chilling in the fridge watching Dick Clark's New Years Rocking Eve. (They are still young enough for me to force them to watch what I want on tv...lol) 
I hope you are all having a wonderful New Year however you celebrate (my husband is celebrating by sleeping right now). 
Tonight, instead of going out we all went to a movie and then ordered some pizza. 
This blog has been such a huge help for me in the last 6 months. I almost don't know what to write about anymore. I hope this year I can find some inspiration to keep coming back. Even when I don't write I am reading my favorites just to keep up. 
Have a great night...and please know that I am extremely grateful for all the encouragement and support from all of you!