Sunday, December 2, 2012

A Christmas Miracle?

Last week was a terrible week for me. I am transitioning jobs so I had the week off and really wanted to get some stuff done around the house. I made appointments for everyday of the week.
Everything was thrown off though because I had to go to a specialist for a root canal on Monday. Frankly- I don't know why THAT guy calls himself a specialist because there was NOTHING special about HIM!!!! ha!!! I was in pain the entire week. I was a total mess taking vicodin and not wanting to combine that with clonazepam (as I said earlier I inadvertently threw myself into withdrawals).
But something changed. The week before last I saw a new psychiatrist who specializes in PTSD. She tweaked some of my medication and we opted for mail order delivery of my medicine so that I wouldn't have to wait at the pharmacy for hours. Well- it took well over a week to get here.
Friday night, for the first time, I took Gabapentin (brand name Neurontin). Using it for anxiety is an off label use but my psychiatrist said people SWEAR by it. On Saturday morning I took it again and I have to tell you- it was like someone lifted this veil of depression/funk/fog that has been with me for SO long. It feels like a miracle right now. I honestly just can't believe that it worked so fast and so amazingly.
I feel like I am in some movie right now where someone gets a miracle drug and they are all better but they have some horrifying side effect. I'm waiting to grow a third arm or something!!
Anyways, the purpose of my posts are never to recommend medication or advocate for or against there use. I am just telling you that I feel like a new person. Or like the person I used to be.
I have been down for so long that I forgot how I used to feel when I was well. It's amazing. My kids are amazed. I would say I am speechless about it but I don't want to stop talking about how amazing I am feeling right now.
I understand the medication will stabilize- and it's not without it's side effects. But holy cow! I am in such a good place right now that I can't believe it.
I start a new job tomorrow and I am looking forward to it. I have a lot of stuff going on but finally feel like I am up to the challenges that I have coming.
On another note- I don't know how to describe it- but I feel so good right now that it reminded me of the times I used to go out and actually have fun! Always with alcohol involved of course. I wondered if this new/old me would find that challenging. So I am in this with my eyes wide open and alert to continue on my path of sobriety.
I think we'll get our Christmas tree today!