Anxiety

I have 57 days to go and I am feeling a tremendous amount of anxiety. I can't put my finger on the cause and that is making it hard to cope. I should be so happy right now..and yet I can't seem to dig my way out of this slump that I am in.

Depends on the One Day

My husband passed through my base earlier this week. It was quite a wonderful surprise. We both thought he would end up to the North or East which would eliminate the need to transit my base. When he arrived he was informed that he would be here 3 days or more! Oh the joy!! 27 hours later he had moved on :(  . With my work schedule and his job requirements we were able to spend a little bit of time together. 
It was devastating to me when he left because we ended up getting about 20 minutes notice that he was headed out. So our 3 days (or more) turned into ONE day. It was very hard to be grateful initially. But after a little bit of time had passed I was indeed grateful that I had gotten to see him. If we can possibly manage we will try and see each other again before I leave this country in about 59 days! He's eager for me to go home. He keeps telling me I need to be out of this country. I guess it's one thing to hear about this place, and another entirely to actually see the situation on the ground. 
I feel rejuvenated for having gotten to steal a few special moments with him and feel better prepared to make it the 6 months it will be before I see him again. 
I was reminded of a line from Pirates of the Caribbean- quite fitting for a couple of sailors: 


Bootstrap Bill Turner: This ship, it has a duty. And where we are bound, she cannot come. One day at shore... ten years at sea. It's a heavy price for what's been done. 
Will Turner: Depends on the one day. 


What a wonderful day I had. 

Emotional

I'm tired of being in Afghanistan... I want to go home now.

600 Days Sober

Today marks day 600. 600 days sober- imagine that.
I am beginning to look for support groups when I get back. I will likely find an AA meeting that I can attend. I haven't been yet- and it almost seems weird to start going after two years sober- but my major support system (my husband) will be here in Afghanistan by the time I get home....

In The Home Stretch

I have 83 days left in this country. I hate this place. The good things that have happened here were that I managed to get into good shape- with the last 12 weeks a major push to reduce body fat...and I am still sober. For the record- alcohol is not allowed here, so I feel like I cheated a little. Regardless, this time allowed me to get some serious time on my sobriety calculator.
It won't be too long before I am  headed home and will have to deal with the real trials and tribulations of life. This place is some sort of surreal alternate reality where I work a lot, work out a lot, and eat a little bit. I'm not spectacular person for having made it sober here.
The real work starts again when I go home. I am 2 days shy of 600 days sober. That's pretty remarkable for me.  I have become more comfortable in my sobriety. People at work know that I am not a drinker and that feels pretty good.

Why Don’t I Want To Get Sober?

I can’t count how many times I asked myself this question before I finally took the step to clean up. Not wanting to stop drinking was my biggest reason for …well… drinking.  Ultimately I felt like IF I actually had a problem I would want to not have that problem anymore. Like the flu. Sort of. No one likes the flu, and everyone wants to be well again. But alcohol isn’t like that for me. Regardless of how shitty it made me feel to wake up with a hangover. Regardless of how much money I spent on alcohol.  Regardless of the distance drinking put between me and my family. I still wanted to drink.

I don’t even think I consciously wanted to be sober when I finally gave up drinking for good. I convinced myself that it was to lose weight, to connect with my family, or to prevent health problems that were eventually coming, to improve my memory. But really, I didn’t want to quit.

Thank God my original excuses to quit were convincing enough to keep me sober long enough to realize that I really DO want to be sober. 

Always Faithful

I went to a dignified transfer for 6 fallen Marines today. It is the second one I have been to since I have been here. The first one I attended a couple of weeks ago moved me profoundly. The experience is so emotional and sad and I pledged then that I would go to every one that I could- because if that was my brother, or husband, or son I would hope that others would be there to show respect for their sacrifice.
It was rainy and snowy today. Felt like God was weeping for this loss and for the so many other losses we have experienced here.
Semper Fidelis Brothers. Gone for Never Forgotten.

They played the Marine Corps Hymn

From the Hall of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli;

We fight our country's battles

In the air, on land, and sea;

First to fight for right and freedom

And to keep our honor clean:

We are proud to claim the title

Of United States Marine.

Our flag's unfurled to every breeze

From dawn to setting sun;

We have fought in every clime and place

Where we could take a gun;

In the snow of far-off Northern lands

And in sunny tropic scenes;

You will find us always on the job

The United States Marines.

Here's health to you and to our Corps

Which we are proud to serve;

In many a strife we've fought for life

And never lost our nerve;

If the Army and the Navy

Ever look on Heaven’s scenes;

They will find the streets are guarded

By The United States Marines.