Tuesday, June 24, 2014

4 YEARS SOBER

4 years sober. Incredible.
If I can do it anyone can.
I lost track of my sober date, so when I came to my blog to check it out I was surprised that I had missed it. That's how life gets though, after you have been sober for a while. I stopped counting a long time ago but I still say the milestones out loud to a few of the people closest to me.
I can't imagine what my life would be like right now if I had come home from Afghanistan as an alcoholic. It's hard enough managing PTSD without the added burden of being a drunk! It's a sad reality for a lot of veterans though. Self medicating through alcohol is huge in the military community. I still have friends who drink but a majority of them don't. That has been critical in recovery. You know what else I notice? The fact that my husband and I don't drink encourages other people around us not to drink. It's kind of awesome. We are in a position now of helping others who drink too much. It's easier for me to talk about to other people. My husband even refers some of our clients to me when they admit to him that they think they might have a problem with drinking.
When I started on my path to sobriety I didn't tell anyone. I just sobered up. When my husband noticed that I wasn't drinking anymore I admitted to him that I knew that I was an alcoholic. And you know what? He was so proud of me for quitting. He asked me why I didn't tell him earlier. I realized at that time that I had to get sober for myself. Not for him, not for anyone else, for me.
Eventually I told my cousin/best friend. She was a long time drinking buddy and it was a hard thing to do. She loved me anyways. And life went on just like that. Sober.
I have had my ups and downs. It hasn't been easy all the time but something stuck with me. I can't remember where I read this- so if you wrote it let me know. I read a story about a guy who sobered up. Some time later his daughter died and he turned to alcohol. Then he said, "When I sobered up I realized she was still dead." This stayed with me because sometimes when things get bad I remember that. No matter what happens- if I start drinking the problem/issue/pain is still going to be there when I sober up.
I'm 4 years sober.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

1 second, 1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, 1 year....and now almost 4 years sober.

I have been thinking about this blog a lot even though I don't find my way here very much anymore. I was thinking about how daunting it was to think about being sober FOREVER. It just seemed so impossible. I looked at the future and couldn't see a sober "me" anywhere. Then someone told me to stop thinking so big and start thinking smaller. Like one second at a time small. And the time passed just like that. The higher my sobriety counter got the more I really really really didn't want to have to start it over.
So here I am- one thousand four hundred and eight days sober. That's 52 day shy of 4 years. And you know what? I remember more of the last 1408 days than I remember the previous 9 years before that!

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Happy Holidays

Life is moving along. I have some stress going on but life is good. I just wanted to pop in to my blog to say hi to everyone.
I know when I follow blogs I tend to think someone went back to drinking if they don't post for a while. That's not the case with me. I haven't had any problems with regards to drinking.
I am 3 1/2 years sober.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Some setbacks...still moving forward.

My stress free life has become not so stress free but I am still moving forward. It's interesting to me how one thing can set you back months in term of mental health. I have also been dealing with some chronic pain for which my doctor prescribed muscle relaxers for. They make me feel like I am dehydrated when I wake up in the morning (a feeling that I haven't had in over 3 years since I was drinking). All of this combined with my relationship with my husband being strained, life has thrown me for a loop. I am staying busy to try and get through all of this.
I remember when my only coping mechanism was drinking. When I think about drinking now I think about being over emotional, sleepy, hungover, and feeling like crap because I drank so much. To top it all off- when I sobered up all of the problems were still there.
I think to myself a lot of times if there is a circumstance in which I would ever drink again. It usually has to do with being surrounded by other people. I think that even though my husband and I have our moments I am blessed to be around people who don't drink.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Staying Busy

Life is going well. Our business is getting off the ground and so far we are breaking even, which is a relief. I am currently living in a stress free environment. Being stress free is definitely helping me work through my PTSD. While I continue to have crazy nightmares and I can't say I am totally depression free, I am no longer debilitated by panic attacks.
The other day there was a commercial on featuring Charlie Sheen advertising alcohol free beer. In the beginning of the commercial he leaves rehab and everyone he sees is drinking. I laughed and told my husband that that is exactly how it was for me when I stopped drinking. It was like everyone I saw was drinking. It made me feel like I was missing something at that time.
I am way over that now. I am so very fortunate to be surrounded by people who don't drink.
Life is good.

Friday, July 5, 2013

3 years... and a couple of days.

I was so busy with the planning and preparation for our grand opening that I totally missed my 3 year sobriety mark. It feels pretty good to not have to look at that counter for validation that much.
Happy Independence Day. Please take a moment to remember those who are serving overseas.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Business Ownership

As is the case most of the time, life has thrown me a little loop. My husband and I are opening our own business and that is taking up quite a bit of my time. He will be returning from Afghanistan this week after two years apart from each other. I am so glad he will finally be here to help get this business off the ground.

I was laid off from my job last week. Last in, first out I think. Amazingly enough, I am not terribly upset about it. My husband and I have set ourselves up to be minimally dependent on my job to help get us through. It is almost a relief that I can now focus all of my energy on getting our business going. It is frustrating that my husband continues to push for me to find a new job. I guess that is what he considers to be our security. But I think once he gets home and sees what has already gone into this massive undertaking he will understand how much work it actually all is.

On another note, I have continued to eat a plant based diet for the last two months. I feel really good about it and as a side effect have lost a little bit of weight. Ironically, the other night I had a dream that I as drinking wine and eating beef. ha! It occurred to me that since I didn't feel threatened by my dream of eating beef- there was no reason for me to fear falling off the wagon just because I had a dream of relapse.

I am still struggling with PTSD. I wish, that after a year of this crap I would be feeling better. I have started therapy- but to be totally honest that, sometimes, stresses me out too!