Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Learning to function in a different way...

I kept trying to think of a word that would pinpoint how I have been feeling the last few days. I feel like I am having to  learn how to do things all over again. My vacation ended today and my usual routine would be to stop by the store on the way home and grab some alcohol. I might make it to the gym before I cracked something open- but more likely than not I would have a drink when I got home- get sleepy and take a nap. There have been a few other moments where I am having to relearn a positive behavior.
Anytime it is hot outside is one- drinking water (a lot of it helps, but so does ice cream!)
Dining at home-
Eating out
Visiting someone at their home
I find a new one almost every single day.
Today I came home and took a nap without the aid of a drink (I woke up feeling much better this way) and then went to the gym. Sat with my kids and had dinner. I don't have to avoid giving my husband a kiss when he comes home because I don't have liquor on my breath, I don't have to sleep with my back to him either in case he can smell it like that.
I don't have to take the trash out so that he doesn't hear bottles clanging together (I am REALLY liking that one!)
I am not in fear that he will find my stash.
I am awake to talk to my kids, I am sober to play board games with them, instead of sitting in front of this laptop for hours at a time with a drink in a red plastic cup so no one sees the contents.
Tomorrow is another new day and I feel pretty good about that.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Dreams of Relapse

I had a dream last night that I relapsed. Not even a BIG binge- just someone handed me a glass of wine. I took the glass with some guilt and told the server to please not bring anymore. In my dream I took one sip of the wine, then put it down. Someone else ended up drinking the rest.  Weird....
8 days, 12 hours, 40 min and 40 secs into sobriety.... (and two pounds lighter)

Monday, June 28, 2010


DC was a lot of fun. I made it without taking a drink- though I have to admit the thought crossed my mind. Being hot is a really big trigger for me! On Saturday we ate lunch out and right next door there was a New Zealand Restaurant and I couldn't help but think that they would probably have my favorite beer- one that I haven't been able to find in over a year and a half! But- I didn't. And I didn't drink the next day or the next day. Being out and about and eating out a lot, and having different company really tests your will. Thankfully I was with my kids and our tour guides were not drinkers. There was never any pressure to drink. Today was a really crazy day and I know if I can come home today and not grab a bottle then some really hard work has been done.
I always felt like I was an insomniac- but it's pretty amazing how well you can sleep when you aren't drinking. I wasn't even that grumpy this weekend- go me!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Breaking the routine and other recent discoveries

Usually, when my husband is out of town I will spend the whole time drinking since I don't have to hide my consumption. This morning it really started to sink in how deeply ingrained those habits are. My husband has been out of town for a few days and I woke up this morning and automatically thought about grabbing a drink.  I am starting to understand how hard it can be to break routines. Drinking had become a routine part of my daily life... On weekends, wake up, have a couple of beers, go back to sleep, wake up, repeat. On weekdays it's stop at the convenience store on the way home, hope I beat my husband in the door so I don't have to sneak it in the house. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out good reasons to go to the store so that I could buy some unnecessary item and hide alcohol somewhere in the bag in case he helped bring in groceries. Reusable 'green' bags were my favorite because you can't see thru them. But I am getting off track. 
I long ago broke the routine of having a drink when I was out to dinner, so that one is done. Now I have to break the routine of heading straight for the wine/liquour aisle when I get groceries. 
I have to find other things to do with all this time I have on my hands now that I am not drinking and sleeping. I have made it to the gym the past 4 days in a row. I have been staring at my computer a lot- like somehow it's going to start entertaining me. I will actually be glad when this short little vacation I am on is over because then I can focus on work again, and really get in to a healthy routine. 
I've also discovered that I am grumpy sober person. Well, at least everyone keeps telling me that I am grumpy lately. All I can do is say "really?, I don't feel gumpy" and keep it moving. I don't want to tell them that I am in one of the biggest fights of my life. I guess thats the difficulty with having been a closet alcoholic for so long. 
On another note- I have been spending a lot of time looking for blogs that might share in some of my early recovery efforts- but it seems that I am finding people who have been sober for years and years or blogs of early recovery that haven't been updated in months and months. I worry for those people and I hope that I will not be one of those. If anyone can direct me to blogs that might offer some support please feel free to point them out for me. 
This is my first attempt at recovery where I really realize I have to stop drinking FOREVER. There will never be a time that I can moderate my drinking. There will never be a time that I can have a drink and then go right back into sobriety. Alcohol is a slippery slope.  If I have 4 months of sobriety and then take a drink, I will be right back into a year of alcoholism. It is much easier to see that clock keep ticking with my minutes of sobriety than to know that I would have to start that over and do these same 125 hours OVER AGAIN. 
Well, I am off for a long weekend out of town (woohoo!) Looking forward to the distraction and getting away from the place where I have built my routines. 

Friday, June 25, 2010

A Guilty Conscience.....

My husband is a reality show junkie. He watches everything from Maury to Jerry and everything in between. He watches the ridiculous dating shows on VH1 and MTV. Every once in a while (when he has lured me into the living room to watch TV with him) a show about addiction will come on. Though my husband is a very smart guy- he is no way that calculating to use that as an intervention for me. I have been hiding the true nature of my drinking habit from him for quite a while now (upwards of 3 years but thats another days blog). When this sketch came on I had that feeling again, like somehow he was on to me and he wanted me to watch this clip with him to get his point across- I was wrong- he just thought it was funny. I didn't laugh so much.... I guess the truth hurts more than I thought. 

Thursday, June 24, 2010


I'm crabby, cranky, grouchy...whatever you want to call it. Just all around not in the most cheerful of spirits. 
I was watching the food network the other day and at the end of the show the chefs all poured themselves a shot of rum. It seems like such a foreign thing to me that someone would just drink ONE shot- who does that?!?! I wish I was one of those people but I know I am not. I have tried many times to set boundaries for my drinking - only drinking when I went out to eat just sent me out more often, only on weekends had me stuffed away for two days on a drinking binge, then there was the "only wine", then "only beer", then a glass of red wine in the evening (for health purposes of course). I also have the "starting tomorrow attitude", like somehow I am going to be able to take one last drink and that drink will say to me "that's it, you are fulfilled with the alcohol you have consumed-***poof*** you will never want to drink again." I have had many "tomorrow's. 
I am on day four- working toward my 96 hour mark. I really need to pick up that book from the library and start reading it. Though I have found myself to be remarkably tired lately, and cranky.  

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Impecable timing...

Eminem Not Afraid Lyrics:
I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid) to take a stand (to take a stand) 
Everybody (everybody) come take my hand (come take my hand) 
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm 
Whatever weather, cold or warm 
Just let'n you know that, you're not alone 
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road 

Yeah, it's been a ride… 
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one 
Now some of you might still be in that place 
If you're trying to get out, just follow me 
I'll get you there 

[Verse 1] 
You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay ‘em 
But you won't take the sting out these words before I say ‘em 
Cause ain't no way I'm let you stop me from causing mayhem 
When I say I'mma do somethin' I do it, I don't give a damn 
what you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world 
feed it beans, it's gassed up, if it thinks it's stopping me 
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly 
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony 
No if, ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he 
From Infinite down to the last Relapse album he's still shittin' 
and whether he's on salary, paid hourly 
Until he bows out or he shit’s his bowels out of him 
Whichever comes first, for better or worse 
he's married to the game, like a fuck you for Christmas 
His gift is a curse, forget the earth he's got the urge 
to pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the whole universe 

I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid) to take a stand (to take a stand) 
Everybody (everybody) come take my hand (come take my hand) 
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm 
Whatever weather, cold or warm 
Just let'n you know that, you're not alone 
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road 

[Verse 2] 
Ok, quit playin’ with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap 
I shouldn’t have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap 
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth 
[ Find more Lyrics on ]
For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped 
And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back 
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact 
let’s be honest, that last Relapse CD was “ehhhh” 
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground 
Relax, I ain't going back to that now 
All I'm tryna say is get back, click-clack BLAOW 
Cause I ain't playin’ around 
there's a game called circle and I don't know how 
I'm way too up to back down 
But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out 
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't 
This fucking black cloud’s still follow’s me around 
But it's time to exercise these demons 
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now! 

I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid) to take a stand (to take a stand) 
Everybody (everybody) come take my hand (come take my hand) 
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm 
Whatever weather, cold or warm 
Just let'n you know that, you're not alone 
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road 

And I just can't keep living this way 
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage 
I'm standing up, I'mma face my demons 
I'm manning up, I'mma hold my ground 
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up 
Time to put my life back together right now 

[Verse 3] 
It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me 
Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you 
So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through 
And don't even realize what you did, believe me you 
I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger 
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of 
my world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead 
No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise 
to focus solely on handling my responsibility’s as a father 
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it 
You couldn't lift a single shingle lonely 
Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club 
Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up 
Cause I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon 
But I'm too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and... 

I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid) to take a stand (to take a stand) 
Everybody (everybody) come take my hand (come take my hand) 
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm 
Whatever weather, cold or warm 
Just let'n you know that, you're not alone 
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road