Wednesday, November 28, 2012

The Whole Truth

None of my doctors know the whole truth about me.  I have only admitted to having a drinking problem to one doctor- on one occasion several years ago. She gave me a prescription to help me stop drinking. I went to the bar while the prescription was being filled (figuring that would be my last drink), and never went back to see her.
I didn’t quit drinking that time. I was too embarrassed to go back there to see her, and have no desire to go back there so she can review my medical record to see that ONE appointment... even though I have been sober for a while now.
I didn’t realize how much of a problem not ever telling a doctor would become. This problem has become a bigger issue lately as I am treated for PTSD. After two years of sobriety I was prescribed clonazepam for anxiety. I’m not an expert but the Dr who prescribed it to me told me to be careful when I took it because it mimicked alcohol- and since I didn’t drink it might impact me more than it did other people. 
I met with another Dr recently for a medication follow-up and she made some tweaks to my medication. I will continue to take clonazepam but add another medication for depression and a more proactive drug for anxiety. (instead of reacting to anxiety by taking clonazepam which I will only take if I have a full blown anxiety attack).
Here is where the problem came in- I have been taking clonazepam for 6 months- and when I stopped taking it on Sunday I didn’t realize I would go through withdrawals.  But I did. I am. I wish I had been more honest with my doctors all along. But I wasn’t. So now I am here- reading all I can about weaning myself off clonazepam.  I had dental work on Monday and was given Vicodin for pain. So I haven’t taken clonazepam because I am super paranoid about mixing medication. It finally hit me last night that my motion sickness and upset stomach wasn’t a result of the vicodin- it was the withdrawal from clonazepam.

I wish I had been honest with a doctor- ANY doctor about being an alcoholic. So I encourage you to find a doctor you can have an honest conversation with about your use of alcohol or drugs. 

Friday, November 23, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving

I am enjoying my time with my family. Life is good.

Saturday, November 3, 2012


I was supposed to travel with work last week. Originally I was scheduled to be gone for 4 weeks and then that changed to 3 weeks. On the day I was scheduled to leave I had an anxiety attack and called my boss and made up a lie about my childcare provider not coming through for me. Since I am on the east coast and Hurricane Sandy was on it's way I got a pass. I doubt I will get another one.
Right now the thought of travelling away from my kids is overwhelming. I am in a desperate rush to find a new job that does not require me to travel.
I feel that I have gotten too dependent on my anxiety medication (even though it's a small dose) so I am taking action. On Monday I am starting my workout plan. My workouts will coincide with the time my son is training for his high school sport- so I have no excuse not to be out and moving too.
I am thankful to be sober. I think back a lot to how I used to handle everything. I think back to waking up and having a drink then falling asleep- then doing it all over again. Now I am emotionally available to my kids and it shows.