Monday, August 30, 2010

Why Do Heavy Drinkers Outlive Nondrinkers?

Why Do Heavy Drinkers Outlive Nondrinkers?

I hate this article. If I was in the stage of contemplating sobriety this article is all it would take to head right to the bar and toast my long life. Blech! I would much rather live a slightly shorter life than to live in the drunken stupor for a long time.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

The Power of the Counter

I had another dream of relapse the other night. In my dream I had gotten 2 six packs of some lemonadey type malt liquor. I remember the following about the dream: Someone was mad at me for not getting them something from the store. I poured myself a drink in a dark cup and thought before I took a swig that there was no way I was going to restart my counter.  I thought about whether I would even post on this blog my big failure. I took a drink telling myself this wasn't even really alcohol and again thought about the timer. Shortly after I walked back in the kitchen knowing that I had messed up. 
Taking another drink seems a lot like jumping off a cliff. When you are feeling depressed it may indeed seem like the thing to do- but on the way down you realize that it wasn't the greatest plan. Drinking is my cliff.  I may not see the harm to be done initially, but my dreams tell me that I will feel the most incredible regret and disappointment in myself if I take that drink. I still have thoughts of drinking- I don't even know if you can call it desire- but I think about it. I thought about it yesteday on the way home- because I used to like days when work was done early so that I could get in some good drinking time. 
On occasion I wish I could drink, other times I don't care at all. Sometimes I can see people drinking on TV and could care less..other times I wonder how I could ever enjoy a vacation or a dinner out without drinking. 
I still maintain that taking that initial step to stop drinking was much harder for me than saying no on a daily basis. The thought process I had to go through to begin recovery was difficult. I don't want to have to go through all that again. This keeps me sane and sober. I worry most of all that if I do slip it will be a long time again until I try to get sober again- and at this point, I am quite sure my health and body just can't take it. 
Thank you to everyone who leaves me caring words of support. This blog is one of the things that is helping me stay sober. 

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Back To My Regular Schedule

Last night was my last one on nights- thank goodness. Something just doesn't feel right to me being wide awake at 4am. 

I am laying here trying to reflect on the week and decompress. 

It's hard to come home on a caffeine high. I can't deny the thought that normally a drink would have helped me go right to sleep. My thoughts of alcohol lately have not been wistful- just another realization that I would normally have done that and it is no longer an option- so time to go with plan B. When I have thoughts of drinking now I remind myself that it's not an option. I am more sensitive to other peoples recommendations that it's time for happy hour, or to have a drink. I find that I am not anywhere near interested in humoring them with the notion. No one at work knows I am in recovery- which I figure is just as well as I can't live a life where no one ever talks about having a drink. I usually just deflect whatever they are saying by telling them I'd rather have a nap than a drink! 

Speaking of naps.. or bedtimes- it is mine- though I feel pretty caffeinated I am sure my brain will slow down once my eyes close. 

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Having Fun While Sober

One of the biggest lessons I have learned this past week is that I am still a barrel of laughs- even when I am sober. I have been having lots of fun just talking and joking with people over the last 6 nights. In general I am not a very people person but when put in the situation of just sitting there ALL. NIGHT. LONG. you have to find coping mechanisms to make time pass. Two nights to go then back to my regular schedule. 

Monday, August 23, 2010

Midnight-ish reflections

On Friday I got a call back from the company recruiter I interviewed with. I let it go to voicemail because I didn’t have the stomach to hear him tell me in person that I was a sucky candidate and no way were they going to hire someone who talked like her mouth was full of peanut butter. BUT. I checked my voicemail immediately and he said he had positive feedback from the team, and that they want to schedule another interview with the person who would be my supervisor!! Woohoo! So, I am going back sometime in the next week or so to try and redeem myself!

This night shift thing is actually not bad. My husband is currently at a training a few hours away, so I have no problem working long hours, sleeping, then coming back to work. (Though he did manage to sneak away for about 12 hours this weekend!) I have really gotten a chance to get to know a couple of the women I have worked with this past year. I know that they have both struggled with alcohol use in the past (though we haven’t spoken about it) and it is a nice thing to have conversations with people that aren’t centered on how “f****ed up” we got last weekend.

Sadly, a young guy we work with was arrested for a DWI last night. Unfortunately he will probably not be working with us much longer. Where I work- current or a history of alcohol abuse or misuse has a zero tolerance level. They will help you get treatment before they fire you- but you will always be let go.

I am looking forward to getting back to normal though. Can't wait for hubby to come home on Tuesday, can't wait to get back into the gym and actually start training for my tri-athlon, can't wait to find out where my career path will lead me!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Things I Have Learned While Working A 12 Hour Night Shift

An ongoing journey into the hilarity that comes after midnight
1. My sobriety countdown is moving faster
2. This is a week I am just not getting back....
2. Some people just don't have a sense of humor at 3am
3. When something bad happens at 4am it is really good to have the least important job in the building
4. Knock knock jokes are always matter what the other person says.
5. Requiring people to buzz to get into the office opens them up to all sorts of pranks and jokery (see #4)..

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The night shift

I am 7 1/2 hours into a 14 hour night shift. It's amazing what you can find on the internet to entertain you when you are bored. Hyperbole and a half is giving me the best laugh this evening. Pretty funny stuff. I have 7 days of this shift so I am sure I will be finding a lot of interesting websites.
I made it through my sucky day yesterday- amazing what some ice cream can do for the spirit! I am appreciative for all of the comments and support I get from those who read my blog.  
I have a month and a half left on the contract I am working on now and, though I have a job waiting for me when I am finished, I am not enthusiastic about going back to it- hence the job search.
At the end of today will mark exactly 60 days of sobriety. The thought of having to start my count over again if I drink is a really motivating factor to stay sober. Well, there are a lot of motivating factors- but sometimes when it just comes to the basics, I don't want to have to go thru the first 60 days again.
I am surprised how the desire to drink comes on so strongly sometimes...and other times I don't even think about it. I wonder if it will be like this all the time.
I am so thankful to have my husband who doesn't drink at all. What a blessing he is for me. Well, 6 hours and 20 minutes to go. Time for more internet surfing.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I Hate This Day hate is a strong word. But. I drove 3 hours for a job interview then talked like I had a mouth full of peanut butter! Really. Even I thought I sounded ridiculous. My interviewing skills are usually VERY GOOD- but not today. Feeling like an idiot really has me struggling today and feeling like an idiot for a 3 hour drive back home isn't so great either. This is the first day since I decided on sobriety that I really really contemplated having a drink. Blah! I am so mad at myself right now. 
I am home now- planning on staying holed up tonight wallowing in self pity and starting life again tomorrow.  Wouldn't be nice if we were given at least one "do over" day per year? This would be mine!!!! 

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Ups and Downs

One moment I'm fine- the next moment not so much. I guess this is the roller coaster of recovery. 
My husband left today for a 10 day business trip. Usually I would use this time to stay intoxicated since there was no sneaking involved. I would run right out of the house as he left to stock up. Today I went to the store and bought fruits and vegetables... and a few other things to get through a week of healthy eating. This will be another re-learning experience. To be home by myself and not drink. 
I hurt my back late last week so working out has been impossible. I am determined to go this week even if I just stretch and sit in the hot tub. 

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Today I Really Wish I Wasn't An Alcoholic

Today I really wished I wasn't an alcoholic. Lately, I have been fine- but today was a long day. A. Really. Long. Day. Something about standing up for 3 hours in this heat really got me. My feet hurt, my back hurt... blah. So, I was cranky and tired and thought how nice it would be to be like everyone else I know- who were going to go home and have a drink or two and call it a day. I thought about how easy it would be to fall back in the habit of grabbing some beer on the way home.  But I didn't- I am on day 53 of sobriety, and honestly- making the decision to stay sober is a lot easier than making the decision to GET SOBER. Looking forward to hitting my 60 day mark. 

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

A Touch of Depression

I have been battling a touch of depression lately. I have really had no desire to do much of anything. I am keeping up with my eating plan and I am still exercising 6 days a week. I feel good that I go to the gym- but even the exercise doesn't seem to be helping me out of the funk I am in. The only thing I think about on the way home is taking a nap- which I do when I make it into the house. 
On another note- today at work a few of my co-workers were talking about having drinks with dinner, or when they get home. It was really the first time I didn't feel left out of something. I didn't feel like I was missing anything by not joining in the conversation- it was a pretty nice feeling. Of course, I never underestimate my bodies ability to throw a massive craving on me- but it was a step in the right direction. 

Saturday, August 7, 2010

More relapse dreams and extreme tiredness

I another relapse dream last night. It was another instance of me drinking before I even realized I wasn't supposed to. I felt extremely guilty in my dream and dreaded the thought of having to start my counter all over again.  My thoughts are that this points to the idea that drinking was just second nature to me- that I would grab a drink before I gave any thought to the destructiveness.
I am so tired. I woke up early this morning (5:00 am) then went back to bed at 10 and slept until 12:00. Got up, ate a sandwich and went back to sleep for another 3 hours. I feel like I could sleep all weekend.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

“The busy have no time for tears” (lord byron)

It's easier to be sober when you are busy. I have been working and doing two workouts a day this week. It definitely takes away from opportunities to sit around and dwell about not drinking. I feel much healthier these days, my thinking is a lot sharper (I actually remember stuff), and my skin is looking a lot better. Though I have been dieting and exercising I think not drinking has had a lot to do with my face not looking so puffy lately, and my skin is appreciating the lack of poisons that I had consistently put in my body. When I am in hot yoga I imagine all the sweat to be all of the toxins in my body leaving. 

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Lifestyle Changes

Tomorrow I am set to begin another part of the lifestyle changes in an effort to make myself much healthier.
#1-Computer habits- I am putting myself on a computer diet- no more endless sitting here on my couch with my laptop on my lap.  Please rest assured that less than daily posts are no indication of my sobriety! (see schedule changes)
#2-  Eating habits- I already eat relatively healthy- but it's time to put that on the forefront. My husband is having some stomach/glucose issues and so I will start planning his meals accordingly. I will continue to monitor my calorie intake but be more diligent about eating clean. More protein, healthy carbs and lots of fruits and vegetables. No more than 1200 calories a day until my workout plan requires me to consume more calories. 
#3- Start triathlon training- I have a pretty intense 12 week plan to get myself back in shape. Unfortunately Tri season ends before I will be where I need to be- so barring any injury I will participate in a 5k on Oct. 30th. Then continue training for next season of Triathlons. 
#4- Hot Yoga- If you haven't tried it- you should. Hot Yoga is wonderful. Yoga in a room heated to 96+ degrees for an hour. You absolutely cannot think about anything else when you are practicing. I am aiming for 4 days per week. 
#5- Read!- If I have any time left I really need to start reading again. 
Getting sober has been a catalyst to make myself a better person all around. I have gone 42 days without poisoning my body. Now it's time to take it to the next level. 

News Flash

Every time I go to one of my favorite restaurants I have to learn to say no to alcohol all over again (who knew?). For dinner tonight we went to our favorite Italian place. I usually (read always) ordered white wine with dinner. They even came around with samples of some new wine they were showcasing. When I first went in I felt that little panicky feeling I get when presented with the choice to drink, and felt that way a few other times during the evening. BUT- I was triumphant and did not have a drink. My point is- I see that even when you think you are out of the the thick of it you have to be careful not to get caught up in routine or habits. I know now that every time I go to a place I have already been I will have to prepare myself mentally for saying no to alcohol for the very first time- again. 
On another note- this song is special to me. It was the song I played in my car when I packed up my life and drove across country to start life on my own terms. And here I am again- learning to live life on my own terms.