Thursday, June 28, 2012

Keep moving forward...

I wanted to take time to thank everyone for the wonderful words of support and encouragement for my 2 year sobriety anniversary. 

Emotionally I am down today and I shouldn’t be. I guess I shouldn’t be. The last few weeks have been rough. I thought I had a job offer, then it looked like it fell through, and then today it looks like it is finally coming together. I should be happy.

Maybe it’s the transition of everything. From thinking I had a job right away, to facing the reality of unemployment (without actually being able to collect unemployment- that’s a whole other blog), to a husband who has a plan in his head in which he cannot seem to deviate.

I am a person in perpetual motion. If I sit still too long I feel like I get a little nutty. Since I have been home from Afghanistan I have had quite a few emotional and psychological challenges to deal with.  My kids have been here for a couple of weeks now and I am so grateful and blessed to have such awesome kids.

I am going to start really looking for a counselor who specializes in addiction counseling and post traumatic stress disorder.  I am still having high levels of anxiety and I really don’t want to sink into an addiction to anti-anxiety medication and sleeping pills. It starts to make sense though- that maybe my alcoholism was me self medicating through a mental health issue I have probably always had (now made worse by having spent a year in a war zone).

The moral of the story though- I made it two years sober and do not plan on trading alcohol for a medicine cabinet full of pills to compensate for just having emotions.

I have been unable to get into the gym lately because of a surgical procedure I had done 6 weeks ago- but should be cleared for full exercise shortly.

It’s time to set some goals… and keep moving forward. 

Thursday, June 21, 2012

2 Years Sober

Today marks my two year sobriety mark. What a wonderful, coherent, non hangover, exercising and eating right, not hiding liquor bottles, kissing my husband because I don't have to hide alcohol on my breath, wide awake, sleeping well, saving money from not drinking, highly functional two years it has been!
I am so grateful to be sober.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Out of the frying pan...into the _____?

I have been staying very busy since I have been home. I had plenty of time in Afghanistan to decide what home improvement projects needed to be done and have been going 100 MPH ever since.

When I was doing my out processing to go back into civilian life I told the care providers about the mental health issues I have been having. My appointment with a government “issued” psychiatrist was last week and she promptly prescribed Ambien (to sleep) , Klonipin (for anxiety), and another medication that is supposed to help with nightmares.  I am to take all the medications on an “as needed” basis.  I have also have refills.

I am unwilling to discuss my recovery with military medical providers.  I came home with my bag of medicine and have really been struggling with the fact that I have them at all. In self reflection, and also as a recovering alcoholic I realize I have an addictive personality. I go overboard on most things – good or bad. While this is great sometimes I realize the potential risk of having access to this medicine. I don’t know where to go from here.

I think I need to find a personal (non-military) physician to discuss my entire medical history.  I also think I need to find a group to help transition through this time. The psychiatrist suggested I have some type of anxiety disorder, another medical provider suggested the early stages of PTSD. Honestly- I don’t care what anyone calls it. I want my mental health to be back where it was before I left. 

I also don’t want to be dependent on pills to adjust to life back in the states. I have used Ambien once and Klonipin twice but constantly remind myself that I am unable to drink responsibly so I need to monitor my usage of medications to prevent from sinking into another hole.