Thursday, February 7, 2013

Revisiting an old post

Today was a super rotten, extra horrible, not so very good day. It also happens to be my birthday.
Rather than write a new post I decided to add an update to an old one found here. My "3 Weeks Sober" post is by far my most googled, read, (and mostly privately in emails) commented on post.
I have tomorrow off- I think I'll sleep in.

Friday, February 1, 2013

I'm In Here....

I'm in here, can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?
I'm in here, a prisoner of history
Can anybody help?

Can't you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for you to come rescue me
I need you to hold
All of the sadness I can not, living inside of me

I'm crying out, I'm breaking down
I am fearing it all, stuck inside these walls
Tell me there is hope for me
Is anybody out there listening?

I’ve become reluctant to write here lately. Mostly because my struggles are with PTSD and not with alcohol.

I love this song by Sia- her voice is beautiful and the lyrics are meaningful. Songs that have always meant the most to me -  I don’t know how to explain it- but the most meaningful songs are the ones where the lyrics are the person inside of me is singing to the person who is on the outside.  Sia’s words speak to me.

My struggles continue with daily life. I am extraordinarily exhausted most of the time. It makes me sad that I felt so good for a while and now feel like I am back in a pit. I manage to go some lengths of time where I am feeling fine- but any change or conflict is extremely difficult to overcome.

I had the opportunity to speak to a friend of mine who also deployed- only her time was in Iraq. She asked me how I was doing and I told her I was struggling. She shared something with me that I could really relate to. She said that when she got home she felt like she was crazy- she actually wondered if all of the things really happened. Being in a war zone is like living in some surreal place that when you leave you wonder if you were ever there at all- but you have the scars to prove it.

I have started back in hot yoga- something I looked forward to before I went to Afghanistan. I also start shift work next week- which means I will have days off during the week…I am looking forward to that as well.
I hope all is well with all of you. Thank you for the ongoing support.