Sunday, December 1, 2013

Happy Holidays

Life is moving along. I have some stress going on but life is good. I just wanted to pop in to my blog to say hi to everyone.
I know when I follow blogs I tend to think someone went back to drinking if they don't post for a while. That's not the case with me. I haven't had any problems with regards to drinking.
I am 3 1/2 years sober.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Some setbacks...still moving forward.

My stress free life has become not so stress free but I am still moving forward. It's interesting to me how one thing can set you back months in term of mental health. I have also been dealing with some chronic pain for which my doctor prescribed muscle relaxers for. They make me feel like I am dehydrated when I wake up in the morning (a feeling that I haven't had in over 3 years since I was drinking). All of this combined with my relationship with my husband being strained, life has thrown me for a loop. I am staying busy to try and get through all of this.
I remember when my only coping mechanism was drinking. When I think about drinking now I think about being over emotional, sleepy, hungover, and feeling like crap because I drank so much. To top it all off- when I sobered up all of the problems were still there.
I think to myself a lot of times if there is a circumstance in which I would ever drink again. It usually has to do with being surrounded by other people. I think that even though my husband and I have our moments I am blessed to be around people who don't drink.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Staying Busy

Life is going well. Our business is getting off the ground and so far we are breaking even, which is a relief. I am currently living in a stress free environment. Being stress free is definitely helping me work through my PTSD. While I continue to have crazy nightmares and I can't say I am totally depression free, I am no longer debilitated by panic attacks.
The other day there was a commercial on featuring Charlie Sheen advertising alcohol free beer. In the beginning of the commercial he leaves rehab and everyone he sees is drinking. I laughed and told my husband that that is exactly how it was for me when I stopped drinking. It was like everyone I saw was drinking. It made me feel like I was missing something at that time.
I am way over that now. I am so very fortunate to be surrounded by people who don't drink.
Life is good.

Friday, July 5, 2013

3 years... and a couple of days.

I was so busy with the planning and preparation for our grand opening that I totally missed my 3 year sobriety mark. It feels pretty good to not have to look at that counter for validation that much.
Happy Independence Day. Please take a moment to remember those who are serving overseas.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Business Ownership

As is the case most of the time, life has thrown me a little loop. My husband and I are opening our own business and that is taking up quite a bit of my time. He will be returning from Afghanistan this week after two years apart from each other. I am so glad he will finally be here to help get this business off the ground.

I was laid off from my job last week. Last in, first out I think. Amazingly enough, I am not terribly upset about it. My husband and I have set ourselves up to be minimally dependent on my job to help get us through. It is almost a relief that I can now focus all of my energy on getting our business going. It is frustrating that my husband continues to push for me to find a new job. I guess that is what he considers to be our security. But I think once he gets home and sees what has already gone into this massive undertaking he will understand how much work it actually all is.

On another note, I have continued to eat a plant based diet for the last two months. I feel really good about it and as a side effect have lost a little bit of weight. Ironically, the other night I had a dream that I as drinking wine and eating beef. ha! It occurred to me that since I didn't feel threatened by my dream of eating beef- there was no reason for me to fear falling off the wagon just because I had a dream of relapse.

I am still struggling with PTSD. I wish, that after a year of this crap I would be feeling better. I have started therapy- but to be totally honest that, sometimes, stresses me out too!

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Staying busy

I have been very busy lately. My husband and I are opening a mixed martial arts gym and I am doing all of the legwork while he finishes up his time in Afghanistan. We have been apart for 2 years so we could make this happen. We have a great spot, but the building has been vacant a long time and it really needs some TLC.
I have been struggling lately with a bout of depression. My daughter has been too so we talked about how we need to try harder than most people to get out of bed and do stuff. We are trying though.
Everything else is going well. No complaints. Hope you all are doing well also.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Getting Healthier

It's been a rough month or more in regards to my health. At the beginning of March I ended up in the emergency room with terrible abdominal pain. I have a very high pain threshold but this was bad, even for me. I woke up in the morning to get ready for work and honestly thought I had food poisoning. I had a flashback to what it used to feel like to wake up with a hangover and I had to lay down on the floor to get myself together. I called in sick to work and went to an urgent care center that day. (that's pretty huge for me because I normally don't go to the doctor- hell..I normally don't get sick). They did some tests and sent me home with some medicine but the pain was significantly worse the next day. I woke up early and went to the emergency room. It took them 12 hours and probably every invasive test known to mankind to figure out I was having a bout of diverticulitis..along 2 other minor issues. It was humbling. I missed 10 days of work and the Dr told me I needed to have additional tests to make sure I didn't have cancer. He said it- the "C" word.. What a wake up call. (tests came back fine Thank God)
Though I stopped poisoning my body years ago by giving up alcohol I never took into consideration how my diet impacted my health. Now, by any standards I am a fairly healthy eater- but had really not shown much restraint when it came to eating since I got home from Afghanistan. I decided to make a change...
Since April 1st I have been following a plant based diet. I guess most people would call it vegan but I don't share a lot of the same ideals as vegans do- so feel like a fraud to call myself that.
I challenged myself to give up meat and dairy products (including eggs) for the month of April. I cannot adequately express how much better I feel. I always have had the mindset that carbs were the enemy- but I feel so much better. My daughter committed to the diet change for a week and made it...and is making her way back to plant based eating- the impact it has had on her mood has been amazing.
After running through the gauntlet of tests from one specialist to another it looks like I am getting back on track...and almost have a clean bill of health. I am so grateful.
I am so grateful that when I was sick I didn't have to wonder if it was alcohol poisoning or a really bad hangover, and I am proud to tell every doctor who asks that I don't drink alcohol- and no, not even socially. Not ever.
I hope you are all well... I am glad that I am getting back to being there.

Sunday, March 17, 2013


Today is my ONE THOUSANDTH day of sobriety. wow.
A little less than 3 years ago I didn't think I would ever get to this point. Not ever. I had no hope that I could stop drinking. My attempts to quit drinking always involved some reward point at which I could start drinking again. When I lose 10 pounds, after three months, When summer time gets here. I was always shooting for some short term goal. I never considered giving up drinking forever until 1000 days ago- from today.  1000 days ago I drank my last drink and probably still drunk- started this blog. I had started other blogs in that drunken haze, crying over my keyboard because I knew my drinking was out of control.
But 1000 days ago I was tired of forgetting, tired of gaining weight, tired of gagging when I brushed my teeth in the morning, tired of hiding my drinking from my husband, tired of losing time with my children, and tired of worrying about how all that poison was ruining my body.
Starting this blog was one of the major things that helped me get through. Seeing that counter everyday was very effective for me. I would never want to have to start that clock over. Not ever.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Revisiting an old post

Today was a super rotten, extra horrible, not so very good day. It also happens to be my birthday.
Rather than write a new post I decided to add an update to an old one found here. My "3 Weeks Sober" post is by far my most googled, read, (and mostly privately in emails) commented on post.
I have tomorrow off- I think I'll sleep in.

Friday, February 1, 2013

I'm In Here....

I'm in here, can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?
I'm in here, a prisoner of history
Can anybody help?

Can't you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for you to come rescue me
I need you to hold
All of the sadness I can not, living inside of me

I'm crying out, I'm breaking down
I am fearing it all, stuck inside these walls
Tell me there is hope for me
Is anybody out there listening?

I’ve become reluctant to write here lately. Mostly because my struggles are with PTSD and not with alcohol.

I love this song by Sia- her voice is beautiful and the lyrics are meaningful. Songs that have always meant the most to me -  I don’t know how to explain it- but the most meaningful songs are the ones where the lyrics are the person inside of me is singing to the person who is on the outside.  Sia’s words speak to me.

My struggles continue with daily life. I am extraordinarily exhausted most of the time. It makes me sad that I felt so good for a while and now feel like I am back in a pit. I manage to go some lengths of time where I am feeling fine- but any change or conflict is extremely difficult to overcome.

I had the opportunity to speak to a friend of mine who also deployed- only her time was in Iraq. She asked me how I was doing and I told her I was struggling. She shared something with me that I could really relate to. She said that when she got home she felt like she was crazy- she actually wondered if all of the things really happened. Being in a war zone is like living in some surreal place that when you leave you wonder if you were ever there at all- but you have the scars to prove it.

I have started back in hot yoga- something I looked forward to before I went to Afghanistan. I also start shift work next week- which means I will have days off during the week…I am looking forward to that as well.
I hope all is well with all of you. Thank you for the ongoing support. 

Friday, January 11, 2013

Happy New Year

My husband was home from Afghanistan for the holiday season. It was nice to have him here- he flew back yesterday. My Christmas was nice. My "miracle" medication isn't quite as potent, but it has gone a long way to battling my anxiety. I feel good not having to feely dopey and medicated just to function.
My mother sent me a bottle of wine for Christmas. I had to chuckle a little bit. I moved to the east coast 8 years ago to get away from her. I guess we are attempting to fix our relationship but I haven't had a conversation of any substance to let her know I have been sober for over 2 1/2 years. I'll take the bottle to a friend of mine at work. It feels good to not feel like alcohol in the house is some ominous visitor.
My husband tells me all the time how proud he is of me. That makes me feel good.