I have been on the go pretty much the whole time I have been home. Like other people I have spoken to about coming home- the only things I noticed right away at my house were the things that were dirty or broken. The dogs were a mess, the couch was dirty, the house smelled like....well "dog". Very overwhelming. I have appointments and/or estimates scheduled for things that need to be fixed everyday next week.
I am happy to be home though. I am experiencing some adjustment issues and was only released from service "AMA" (Against Medical Advice). After a year of being in Afghanistan all I really wanted to do was just come home and lay in my bed. I am seeking advice and help for my adjustment issues.
I spoke to another service member who got home a few months ago who is experiencing issues similar to mine. She said drinking helps her numb her feelings. sigh. I told her that I quit drinking, I alluded to it being a problem for me but didn't go into detail.
What I am learning- there are a lot of females who are returning, just like me, who have the same emotional issues that I have. And just like me- we feel ridiculous that we are having these issues when there are so many who experience so much more.
I feel like I should be able to talk myself out of this anxiety that I am feeling. Like somehow I should be able to snap out of it and just relax and be "normal".
Through all of this the thought of drinking crossed my mind once. I didn't have a plan to drink- just thought about having a beer with one of the foods I liked. It was a fleeting thought and immediately brought forth feelings of shame and embarrassment. Not only would I have let myself down, I would have not succeeded in doing what I said I was going to do- and that is to stop drinking.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
I remember when I first starting thinking I should sober up that I spent a lot of time looking for blogs that I could relate to. What I came across were pages of people who had been sober for years and “website graveyards” of sobriety blogs that detailed the beginning of sobriety that were no longer being updated. If they were like one of my many first attempts at blogging my way to sobriety they went straight back to drinking- unable to continue to make note of their journey into sober living.
The blogs of people with years and years of sobriety were overwhelming, and at the time I thought, had reached a goal that was unattainable to me. When I look at my stats for my blog I see that the most searched phrase of people who read my blog was “3 weeks sober”. It leads them to my post of the same title here.
When I started blogging I wasn’t overwhelmingly concerned with helping others get sober. I was just trying to make myself accountable to someone (anyone!!) for my sobriety. Now I feel differently. While the bulk of my posts last year were desperation posts trying to find a way to cope and make it through a yearlong deployment in a war zone my future posts won’t be. I hope that I can be of help to someone else trying to sober up.
So I began to ask myself- how do I remain relevant for the newly sober? I can’t very well relive my first few months of sobriety (nor would I want to- blech!) One thing I have learned in the almost two years I have been sober- for me- it doesn’t feel like I have been sober for that long. It’s not the same struggle it was 2 years ago (not by any means). But it’s still there. The nagging knowledge that I am an alcoholic in recovery. I still wonder, on occasion, if I am “recovered” yet. Or if that is even a state we can every get to. Sometimes I ask myself if I could have a drink or two. That maybe I am done being an alcoholic now. (I can’t, and I still am!)
While I continue to ponder how I can remain relevant to newly sober I’d like to show you the first sobriety website I found- The Discovering Alcoholic. I posted on the website (while still drunk I am sure), almost two years ago, that I knew it was time to get sober. TDA wrote me back. He encouraged me at that time to not base my own sobriety on the timeline of someone else- but to start counting by the hour if I needed to, or the minute. That’s what I did. Screedler keeps the site up these days and I have to say- this site (in my opinion) is relevant to everyone, in all stages of sobriety!