I started work last Friday. What a relief it is to have a routine again. I haven't always needed to have a routine- but it sure is helping my mental health right now.
I have a little flexibility with my work hours and the atmosphere is pretty laid back. I am back in the gym finally- that helps too.
I can't say that I am all better when it comes to my mental health- but it's better this week. Or at least I am busy enough not to dwell on it. In spite of all the stress and anxiety I have been feeling lately I have never thought about drinking. It's amazing to me that I have come that far- to the point where drinking isn't the first thing I think about when life gets out of control.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Tomorrow I go back to work. I managed to squeeze out about 2 months off! When I first got home I was moving at 100 mph. I would get up early in the morning and keep moving until late into the night. I worked on the house, made and went to appointments for myself and my kids.
Then, somewhere along the way I slowed down. The intensity I had when I first got home slowed way down, and lately it's been a challenge to leave the house. Ironically- I feel so much better when I do leave the house. It's a vicious cycle. I don't think my current emotional state has anything to do with my sobriety. If anything, maintaining my sobriety has been one of the main reasons I have managed to get through this time.
I think work will stabilize me a lot. Getting back into a routine of getting up in the morning and going to the gym after work will be a big help.
I am excited and nervous for the change coming up. This job will require travel which causes me some stress because it takes me away from my son. But I will take what I can get right now as this job is a step up in my career. I am happy to be moving forward.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
My brain feels like it is betraying me. I have every reason to be happy right now. I have my kids with me and we are having a great time. I have had two months off and start my new job at the end of this week. I am still sober. I have accomplished a tremendous number of tasks since I have been home, and we are getting closer to getting my husband’s life-long dream of having his business off the ground. But my mind is uneasy.
My emotions are relatively limited lately- mostly just frustration. I have a lot of dreams where I am extremely angry and tend to wake up that way. Sleep is elusive, unless I take an Ambien to help me sleep- but that spiral of being so tired that I resort to sleeping pills ends with me feeling sleepy all day- rendering me relatively useless. (just like drinking used to..only now I don’t have the shakes) I can even describe what is going on in my brain...I just feel kind of nutty- for lack of a better word.
I think the psychiatrist got it wrong. I don’t think the issues I am having are temporary- and I don’t think they are going to go away in 3 months. Hell- I have already been home for 2 months and they just seem worse. It’s easy to say in the house- but it causes so much torment in my mind when I do it. But driving leaves me confused and feeling lost even when I am not lost.
It’s hard for me to be supportive for my husband in Afghanistan when I am going through such a mental firestorm. I keep talking about going to the gym and eating right- but have not made up my mind to get it done. I know once I get in that routine I will be fine. I am hoping work evens me out. After having a year of 12-13 hour work days all this free time is really fucking with me.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
I realize one of the keys to my successful sobriety has been to be around other people who don't drink. In particular I am talking about my husband- but it goes beyond just him. My husband is currently deployed and I have my kids with me. They continue to help me maintain my sobriety.
While thinking about my keys to success I started thinking about a trend that exists in my life. Since I divorced in 2001 I was fortunate to date some really amazing men. Some of them are still amazing, some are bullets that I definitely dodged (I know this thanks to successful Facebook stalking!). While I was dating I primarily sought out men who weren't interested in a long term relationship (I wasn't looking for one either) so it has been easy throughout the years to maintain a friendship. Not matter how long I go without talking to one of them we don't miss a beat when we pick up a conversation and talk about old times.
Interestingly enough- they have a habit of all contacting me around the same time. Like I have some beacon that puts out a Bat Signal shouting, "I am lonely, vulnerable, bored..." So lately this has been true. I have been receiving emails from some of the men in my past. I realize now that one thing we had in common at the time was a mutual love for drinking.
I don't think they are all alcoholics- they seem to have the ability to know when to stop- a sense I have never possessed. Either way- we spent a lot of time drinking. It's seems strange now to talk to some of them. I don't think I would have been able to stay sober so successfully if I had ended up with one of them. I think the party would have continued to roll right along.
Having a life partner who doesn't drink made this struggle less daunting. Being around someone who doesn't drink has been an integral part of my success. Especially in that first year where the habit of ordering/buying a drink was so strong. While I know there will times that I may be tested before he comes home 8 months from now- I can now (with a lot more conviction) volunteer to the the group D.D. if I decide to hang out with friends who drink.