So Much To Do

I have to start making lists and taking action. I work well under stress- so right now my mind is going a million miles a minute.
I feel strong in my sobriety. I have already gotten "advice" about how to sneak alcohol... At one point of time that would have felt threatened by that suggestion. Today I quickly said "I quit drinking" and kept it moving. I am pretty proud of myself about that.
I have to get all of my personal, financial and physical affairs in order. Time to really kick my workout into overdrive. I don't want to be that person who falls out during the physical training! Speaking of... I better hit the gym today before I get that ice cream.
I will spend my one year sobriety anniversary in the middle east. I don't know if I will be able to blog when I am there. I hope that I can. It is a huge help.

Mobilization Orders

I have military orders to Afghanistan. My report date is April 30th.

C.P.A. - Couch Potatoes Anonymous

I had an epiphany of sorts the other day. I used to be a very active person but somewhere along the lines I allowed alcohol to make me a couch potato.

When I was in my really hard partying days from 2001-2005 I was always on the move.  I had no remorse about drinking and driving, or drinking and doing everything else! I went out every night I didn’t have my kids and even flew across country for a hot date or two. I stayed drunk.

When I moved and met my husband he instilled in me how bad it was to drink and drive. I was already hiding a lot of my drinking from him- so I made this accommodation so that he wouldn’t catch me. I stopped drinking and driving and started spending more time in the house drinking. I got into a habit of drinking then sleeping and then doing that all over again. My house was couch potato central. (ok….I did make it to the gym sometimes- so not 100% spud)

I have been sober now for 9 months (YAY!) and I JUST realized I have still been in that couch potato mode. It was like my eyes just opened up the other day. I realized that I only considered weekends where I laid around all day to be my “good” weekends.  I asked myself the big “what happened to me?” question.  I realized my lazy idleness has really been feeding my depression in a big way.

My remedy- I got my ass moving! This was a great weekend.  On Saturday my husband and I worked out, cleaned the yard, spent A LOT of time shopping, then went out to watch the UFC. Today I had to buy a few more things, got a pedicure, went grocery shopping,  and cooked our meals for the week. I.feel.so.much.better.

Now the big test will be how I feel this week at work! Maybe I overdid my first Non-super-lazy weekend. But hey- if you’re gonna go- go big! Hope you all have a great week.

My advice to those newly sober (and even if your not newly sober!)- KEEP MOVING! 

Keep Moving Forward

I bare burdens silently for the most part. I guess that makes me a less than stellar blogger. Right now I am facing the reality that I will most likely be somewhere in the Middle East as a reservist by the end of summer. I just figure that I can either choose to be miserable about that every single day or I can take it for what it is and keep moving forward.

Martin Luther King Jr said, “ If you can't fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but by all means- keep moving forward.” Words to live by. Alcohol was the one thing that held me back. It kept me from remembering things that I did or places that I went. It kept me from learning all there was to learn.

My husband adores me, but somehow, in all that adoration everything that happens to me is really something that happens to HIM. This is infuriating. It is my fault probably. I mean- not really- but I get it why he is like this. My surgery somehow became about him and how difficult it was for him. Same thing with my looming deployment. He is taking it very personally that I am leaving (even though he was the one who encouraged me to join in the first place!)

My writing here is always rambling and disjointed.  I suck at writing/talking about myself. I can’t tell you how many times I have written something and deleted it because I didn’t want to sound like a crybaby or I was embarrassed at appearing like a weak person.  

I really suck at....

I am a sucky step-mom. I admit it. I love my husband dearly but his two boys (ages 15 and 16) have got to be some of the most poorly behaved children EVER! Now- let me put that in perspective for you. I was a special education teacher for 8 years. For 3 of those years I taught children with autism who had extreme behavior challenges- and I was great at it. I have a ton of patience!

Let me also make a disclaimer- I am really, really, really good at hiding what is going on in my head when it comes to them. At this point I am sucky only in thought. I go out of my way to do things for them, I treat them with a tremendous amount of respect, and never EVER mistreat them.

How do I get over this? Is it possible to change the way you actually feel about someone? I spend a lot of time trying to rationalize their behavior based on the way they were raised and the circumstances they have dealt with in their life- but ultimately I have been unable to change how I feel.

Why is this coming up now? My oldest step-son is in trouble. Big trouble. I am trying hard to be supportive of my husband as I can see he is under a tremendous amount of emotional distress. I'm trying. 

Sigh… Thank God I’m sober. 

Feeling Better

I am in better spirits. Yesterday was my first day back at work..and of course after sleeping for two weeks I couldn't get to sleep the night before....sooo..I was exhausted!! I had a hard time staying awake! I got some good rest and had a much better day at work today. Even went to see Black Swan after that.
Thanks for all the encouragement. I really appreciate it.