Friday, February 1, 2013

I'm In Here....

I'm in here, can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?
I'm in here, a prisoner of history
Can anybody help?

Can't you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for you to come rescue me
I need you to hold
All of the sadness I can not, living inside of me

I'm crying out, I'm breaking down
I am fearing it all, stuck inside these walls
Tell me there is hope for me
Is anybody out there listening?

I’ve become reluctant to write here lately. Mostly because my struggles are with PTSD and not with alcohol.

I love this song by Sia- her voice is beautiful and the lyrics are meaningful. Songs that have always meant the most to me -  I don’t know how to explain it- but the most meaningful songs are the ones where the lyrics are the person inside of me is singing to the person who is on the outside.  Sia’s words speak to me.

My struggles continue with daily life. I am extraordinarily exhausted most of the time. It makes me sad that I felt so good for a while and now feel like I am back in a pit. I manage to go some lengths of time where I am feeling fine- but any change or conflict is extremely difficult to overcome.

I had the opportunity to speak to a friend of mine who also deployed- only her time was in Iraq. She asked me how I was doing and I told her I was struggling. She shared something with me that I could really relate to. She said that when she got home she felt like she was crazy- she actually wondered if all of the things really happened. Being in a war zone is like living in some surreal place that when you leave you wonder if you were ever there at all- but you have the scars to prove it.

I have started back in hot yoga- something I looked forward to before I went to Afghanistan. I also start shift work next week- which means I will have days off during the week…I am looking forward to that as well.
I hope all is well with all of you. Thank you for the ongoing support. 


  1. i can very much relate to what you write. i am coming up for 3 years sober in march (if all goes ok) and it was not until i was sober that my problems with past trauma being triggered by present events surfaced. i found life without alcohol harder because of this - i was self medicating my anxiety with alcohol and it popped its ugly head up when i stopped pouring alcohol onto it.

    i hope you get through this - i have read your blog for a long time and admire you greatly.

  2. Thank you for your kind words. I am three months behind you for 3 years sober. Congratulations. I know how hard it is to get where we are.
    I am so grateful right now that I have been sober for so long- otherwise alcohol would have been my first outlet when I got home.

  3. Some people never discover the gift that relieves the torture of disease, disorder...the tortures...

    I'm grateful to have discovered just that...the gift of how to deal with the trauma of life in sobriety, not quitting drinking or staying sober, but how to live in soberity free of the fear, anxiety and frustration of past experiences haunting the present robbing me of finding enjoyment of who I am and every experience I've had (even the most difficult and awful ones). For someone with war, death, disease, depression this seems impossible. Some people never realize the true gift available...

    I hope you find freedom and serenity as well as keeping sober. Managing that dis-ease and dis-order is so hard and exhausting.