I was having a conversation with my husband the other day about the struggles I have gone through with my sobriety. I think he wants to understand but he really can’t because he has never done drugs and has never lost control of his drinking. His answer to everything is “Self destruction is not the answer.” Sometimes I think that’s easy for him to say but then again- he has lived that way. In this conversation he asked me how long I had been drinking. I had to really stop and think about when the seeds were planted for my alcoholism. I remember sneaking whiskey out of my dad’s basement when I was in eighth grade. As I got older alcohol was always easy to access because my mom owned a little mom and pop grocery store. I worked there A LOT. I also closed often so it was easy to pull my car up and fill the trunk with beer when I was 16. At 16 I also started dating a guy who was 21 so alcohol continued to be easy to access.
Alcohol has always been well within reach. I lived in Italy for 3 years, starting when I was 19 so I never even had to worry about a drinking age. Upon reflection I don’t see myself as being an alcoholic at that time…. But it sure as hell was a great foundation. It wasn’t until I was beginning my divorce that I started using alcohol to self medicate. That was the time that I never felt drunk enough. As my addiction grew so did my tolerance so it took more to get me drunk. Sigh…. Eighth grade- that is what… 13 years old? It might have been even younger. Sometimes I am resentful that my parents didn’t catch me- I wonder if it would have made a difference. Thankfully I am on the right path now.
Tonight we had a fight party – something we do often whenever there is a good boxing match on. This was my first sober event. It was nice. I am so grateful to be sober.