Afghanistan Count Down

I will be spending my one year sobriety anniversary in Afghanistan (June 21, 2011!).  I hope to continue to blog from my duty station- though at this point I don't know if that will be an option. In the event of an extended absence please understand that it isn't because I have gone back to drinking. Sobriety has made me a better person- I don't intend to go back to that drunken place. If I am not able to blog I will be back June 2012.
I hope to blog at least one more time before I leave. God Bless.

Getting closer

As my days at home wind down I am getting more and more lazy. Today I should be exercising, cleaning, doing laundry, packing, taking care of business. What is actually happening- got out of bed around 11am, drinking a diet Mt. Dew, eating easter candy for breakfast, sitting on the couch, on the internet.
I know that I am going to kick myself for not exercising more when I get to my training on May 8th. But honestly, I have a whole year of working and working out. My motivation is zilch! I figured out when I first got home two weeks ago that I could run a fair distance in a pace above that of a snail- so that was a load off. I should be working on my time- but I really have not found the "go get'em" to make that happen.
I am not beating myself up over it. I am going to enjoy the time I have in my home, in the wonderful air conditioning, or outside in a temperature that doesn't feel that close to hell. I am still going to hot yoga 4 times a week.
Life is O.K. for me right now. I am having some roller coaster emotions and some nightmares. I haven't had nightmares since I moved to the east coast 6 years ago. Most of them center around me not being in control of my situation. I hope as time moves forward and I get to where I am going they will subside.
Easter was nice and quiet here. I cooked way too much food for my husband and I. We will be eating leftovers all week! I am enjoying the days as they come.
Many people ask me how I feel about going to Afghanistan. I tell them I have a healthy dose of fear, but I know I will be as safe as I can be in the situation. What I do know is that I signed up and I will go and do what they tell me to do, because that is my job. Regardless of my feelings on the situation. I can choose to wake up and be miserable every day for the next year, or I can choose to have a positive attitude and make the best of the situation. I choose to be positive. I hope that in whatever situation you might be in that you will do the same.

Alcoholic Thinking Part 2

I was having a hypothetical conversation with myself today. I was wondering what it be like if I started to drink again and was actually able to monitor my drinking. What would it look like to be in control? Would I just have ONE drink at dinner one time per week. Or maybe I would get a beer at a friends house and take a sip and leave the rest. Is that what a non-alcoholic does? THEN- it occurred to me- non-alcoholics DON'T even think about that stuff. They don't require limits to their drinking. Setting boundaries is an alcoholic way of thinking. It is our attempt to tell ourselves our drinking isn't out of control.
Ultimately- I will always be an alcoholic.

3 weeks to go...

I have been home for the last week trying to get things together for my departure. I have been staying so busy lately- sooo much to do. I feel like I have accomplished a lot and yet have really barely scratched the surface of the things I want to get done before I go. In three weeks I depart for 19 days of training and then off to the middle east. I should be there around the end of May.
I am very happy to have been at my home the last week. I have lots to do but love laying in my bed watching TV!! I have kept my workouts up and have started back at Hot Yoga. Still more physical training to do to get ready. I wish I was more motivated to work out!!!! I have great ideas- just get stuck in a rut!!!
Alcohol has been more on my mind lately. I don't know why really- maybe just being back in the old surroundings brings back memories of old habits. I am 6 days shy of 10 months of sobriety.

Stress!!!

I am stressed the F*** out! Tomorrow is my last day at work before I go active duty military to prepare for my deployment to Afghanistan.
Of course- that couldn't be enough- now we are sitting here with the fear that we might not even get paid! Stupid politicians!
All this transitional stress has really got my mind feeling a little looney.
Drinking has been on my mind a lot the last day or two. I went to lunch with a co-worker and once again realized how truly easy it must be to just make up your mind that you can have a drink.
Tomorrow I have to say goodbye (for now) to a job I have truly enjoyed with people who are pretty awesome. Change is a pain in the ass.

Am I An Alcoholic?

I asked myself that question many times, and odds are if you ask yourself that question you probably are.

Several co-workers took an “am I an alcoholic?” test the other day. Some of them took it in good fun but it got me thinking about how many times I asked myself that question.

I always tried to rationalize my drinking. I used to ask my friends if THEY thought I was an alcoholic. “Of course not! Because if you are, that means I am- and I definitely don’t want to be one.”  

I am an alcoholic. I will always be one. If you are too then do something about it. Take action to make yourself healthy again. The toughest part is deciding to get sober and meaning it.  There are many ways to get sober- pick one and get to it. You’re the only one stopping you!