Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I Hate Snow

It took me 3 hours to get home from work today. I live 14 miles from there. 
I have never really driven in the snow (ok..not really actually is closer to never). All around me I kept seeing cars doing the exact same thing I was and they were spinning their tires..unable to move. I just kept hoping that I would not be one of the statistics that was stuck on the side of the road. The storm came on stronger than what was predicted so I don't think anyone knew it would be this horrible of a commute. I kept having visions of myself huddled up in my car on the side of the road until the next thaw!
I really really really don't enjoy snow anymore. At All. When I finally pulled into my driveway I sat in the car for a good  little while on the verge of tears. But..I am back in the house now. 
I did have the thought once or twice that if I was still drinking I would have had at least two bottles of wine on a day like this. Instead I turned to chocolate. I know not the most wholesome solution from my woes but honestly, if I could have made the drive to the gym I would have! I just didn't want it to close before I got there!!!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

7 months sober

My best bit of wisdom to those who are recently sober...
It gets better. It gets A LOT better. There will be a time when you won't think about alcohol every second of every day. Hang in there!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

One Word...

Ouch!
Needless to say I am doing what I said I was going to do- working out. It hasn't totally set in yet because I just had a really great workout...but tomorrow is going to be painful. Good thing this bed is close to the ground so I can roll out of it in the morning!! A protein shake might be in order for breakfast!
I am not totally out of touch with working out. I used to be though. Aside from a couple of years of playing basketball in high school I was what my husband would call "skinny fat." I was super skinny but not in shape.No fat, but definitely lacking in the muscle department. 
When I packed up and moved cross country 6 years ago I got into the gym. For the first time in my life I was a bonafide gym rat. My day just didn't feel right if I wasn't working out. I got myself in the best shape of my life! (then drank myself right out of it...then got there again..then..uhh... drank myself out of it AGAIN!) 
I am eager to reach the point again when I have a deep desire to be in the gym. This is day two and I think that feeling can't get here soon enough. 
I have been sick for the last 2 weeks or so and I am quite sure that this workout tonight has dislodged any remaining yucky stuff inside of me as I am sneezing and blowing my nose at an alarming rate. If you see a CNN story about the woman who can't stop sneezing- it's me. 
Wishing you all a wonderful week! 

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Working out

Tomorrow I start my exercise and eating plan. As long as I can remember I have had some issues with body dysmorphia. I weighed about 114 pounds when I was 18 and still longed to loose weight. I hated my body. My family on my dads side has a history of morbid obesity. My grandfather died at well over 500 pounds. I remember my mom telling me when I was eating chips that if I ate them all I would get fat. (I probably weighed 109 at the time at 5'6".) That attitude stuck with me for a long time. I am 50% Portuguese decent from my dad's side. To me that means I have a butt. Growing up I hated that about myself. I remember crying one day when my older sister told me I had a bubble butt. All through high- school I played basketball but really didn't have any athletic prowess. 
When I joined the Navy I gained 15 pounds in bootcamp. I was devastated. I tried to convince myself I looked better but when I looked in the mirror I saw someone much bigger than myself. To make a long story short..I have always struggled with my own perception of my body. 
When I first moved to this state I could actually afford to join a gym. I became a bonafide gym rat and started to love my body. It was the first time ever I lost weight the right way- by exercising and eating right. No starvation diets, no diet pills. I have managed to get into great shape a few times since then but was always derailed because of my drinking. 
209 days ago I was at my heaviest of all time- 168 pounds. I would say I don't know how I let myself get like that- but I do. I consumed so many calories in just alcohol. I could have totally gone without food and still packed on the pounds. I know from research that when you drink your body stops metabolizing everything else and just works on the alcohol. 
Well, as of right now, I am 13 pounds lighter. I have gotten down to as low as 150 but am holding steady at 155. While the number on the scale is not as much of an issue for me, I am ready to get myself back into shape. I want to be stronger than I ever have before. I want to look fitter and have abs. I know I am capable of that now. Before, alcohol always zapped my motivation or derailed my diet. 
My goal is to get down to 140 pounds. I have a 13 week plan that includes core strength, weights and triathlon cardio workouts with some mixed martial arts training thrown in by my husband on the weekends. I have been getting a lot of motivation from stories and tv shows about people who started way more out of shape than I am. If they have the willpower to do it I know I can. 

This will also help me gear up for an inevitable deployment to the middle east where I will have to endure rigorous training in pre-deployment workouts. 
Here's to not making any more excuses and just doing it!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Living....

I am successfully living life as a sober person. Alcohol does not consume every thought that I have anymore, and I am thankful for that.  My life is now delightfully predictable! I used to feel so tortured inside that I could have written here three times a day- but now, I am peaceful. It has become second nature to tell people that I don’t drink (if they mention it). I don’t feel compelled to tell them my life story, if they ask, I generally just tell them that I realized I was too old to keep putting that poison in my body. I think the fact that I have lost over 15 pounds helps them to realize the benefit of not drinking for me.  When I first started that clock was such a daunting thing for me…a perpetually slow reminder of the daily torture of sobriety. Now I hardly look at it. I don’t count days down anymore. Honestly, I didn’t think I would get to this point. I didn’t think I would be strong enough now to not struggle on a daily basis. Even though I spend a lot of time alone now- I am still stronger. Strong…but diligent. I am not na├»ve to the fact that I have to remember why I can’t take another drink.
I am so thankful for sobriety – much more so than I ever thought I would be.