My brain feels like it is betraying me. I have every reason to be happy right now. I have my kids with me and we are having a great time. I have had two months off and start my new job at the end of this week. I am still sober. I have accomplished a tremendous number of tasks since I have been home, and we are getting closer to getting my husband’s life-long dream of having his business off the ground. But my mind is uneasy.
My emotions are relatively limited lately- mostly just frustration. I have a lot of dreams where I am extremely angry and tend to wake up that way. Sleep is elusive, unless I take an Ambien to help me sleep- but that spiral of being so tired that I resort to sleeping pills ends with me feeling sleepy all day- rendering me relatively useless. (just like drinking used to..only now I don’t have the shakes) I can even describe what is going on in my brain...I just feel kind of nutty- for lack of a better word.
I think the psychiatrist got it wrong. I don’t think the issues I am having are temporary- and I don’t think they are going to go away in 3 months. Hell- I have already been home for 2 months and they just seem worse. It’s easy to say in the house- but it causes so much torment in my mind when I do it. But driving leaves me confused and feeling lost even when I am not lost.
It’s hard for me to be supportive for my husband in Afghanistan when I am going through such a mental firestorm. I keep talking about going to the gym and eating right- but have not made up my mind to get it done. I know once I get in that routine I will be fine. I am hoping work evens me out. After having a year of 12-13 hour work days all this free time is really fucking with me.