Tuesday, July 17, 2012

emotional unrest

My brain feels like it is betraying me.  I have every reason to be happy right now. I have my kids with me and we are having a great time. I have had two months off and start my new job at the end of this week. I am still sober. I have accomplished a tremendous number of tasks since I have been home, and we are getting closer to getting my husband’s life-long dream of having his business off the ground. But my mind is uneasy.
My emotions are relatively limited lately- mostly just frustration. I have a lot of dreams where I am extremely angry and tend to wake up that way. Sleep is elusive, unless I take an Ambien to help me sleep- but that spiral of being so tired that I resort to sleeping pills ends with me feeling sleepy all day- rendering me relatively useless. (just like drinking used to..only now I don’t have the shakes) I can even describe what is going on in my brain...I just feel kind of nutty- for lack of a better word.
I think the psychiatrist got it wrong.  I don’t think the issues I am having are temporary- and I don’t think they are going to go away in 3 months. Hell- I have already been home for 2 months and they just seem worse.  It’s easy to say in the house- but it causes so much torment in my mind when I do it. But driving leaves me confused and feeling lost even when I am not lost.
It’s hard for me to be supportive for my husband in Afghanistan when I am going through such a mental firestorm.  I keep talking about going to the gym and eating right- but have not made up my mind to get it done. I know once I get in that routine I will be fine. I am hoping work evens me out. After having a year of 12-13 hour work days all this free time is really fucking with me.  


  1. Have you read the big book of AA? Your issues sound so amazingly familiar....so familiar...

    I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.

    1. I have not read the big book- I really do need to expand (read start) reading. Anything I can add to my arsenal will be sure to help. Thank you for the support- I am blessed to be sober through all of this. Many of those that have been through this aren't so lucky.

  2. I can relate! I feel as though I should be happy as well but all I really want to do is check out. I told my husband this last night after putting our kids to bed. I promised him I would not drink but that I am feeling overwhelmed. If I can't share my honest feelings with him or someone, then that will be when I'll drink. Good for you for staying sober! It's nice to know that we aren't alone in our struggles.

  3. Dani- my blog has helped me have accountability to someone other than myself for my sobriety.
    My husband is a non-drinker so he doesn't necessarily understand the overwhelming desire to drink when life gets tough.
    We are definitely not alone in our struggles...if you ever need someone to listen please feel free to email me!