Adjusting To "Normal"

I have been on the go pretty much the whole time I have been home. Like other people I have spoken to about coming home- the only things I noticed right away at my house were the things that were dirty or broken. The dogs were a mess, the couch was dirty, the house smelled like....well "dog". Very overwhelming. I have appointments and/or estimates scheduled for things that need to be fixed everyday next week.
I am happy to be home though. I am experiencing some adjustment issues and was only released from service "AMA" (Against Medical Advice). After a year of being in Afghanistan all I really wanted to do was just come home and lay in my bed. I am seeking advice and help for my adjustment issues.
I spoke to another service member who got home a few months ago who is experiencing issues similar to mine. She said drinking helps her numb her feelings. sigh. I told her that I quit drinking, I alluded to it being a problem for me but didn't go into detail.
What I am learning- there are a lot of females who are returning, just like me, who have the same emotional issues that I have. And just like me- we feel ridiculous that we are having these issues when there are so many who experience so much more.
I feel like I should be able to talk myself out of this anxiety that I am feeling. Like somehow I should be able to snap out of it and just relax and be "normal".
Through all of this the thought of drinking crossed my mind once. I didn't have a plan to drink- just thought about having a beer with one of the foods I liked. It was a fleeting thought and immediately brought forth feelings of shame and embarrassment. Not only would I have let myself down, I would have not succeeded in doing what I said I was going to do- and that is to stop drinking.

I'm Home

Wonderful, Beautiful, Home. What more can I say?

Remaining Relevant for the Newly Sober

I remember when I first starting thinking I should sober up that I spent a lot of time looking for blogs that I could relate to. What I came across were pages of people who had been sober for years and “website graveyards” of sobriety blogs that detailed the beginning of sobriety that were no longer being updated.  If they were like one of my many first attempts at blogging my way to sobriety they went straight back to drinking- unable to continue to make note of their journey into sober living.

The blogs of people with years and years of sobriety were overwhelming, and at the time I thought, had reached a goal that was unattainable to me. When I look at my stats for my blog I see that the most searched phrase of people who read my blog was “3 weeks sober”. It leads them to my post of the same title here.

When I started blogging I wasn’t overwhelmingly concerned with helping others get sober. I was just trying to make myself accountable to someone (anyone!!) for my sobriety.  Now I feel differently. While the bulk of my posts last year were desperation posts trying to find a way to cope and make it through a yearlong deployment in a war zone my future posts won’t be.  I hope that I can be of help to someone else trying to sober up.

So I began to ask myself- how do I remain relevant for the newly sober? I can’t very well relive my first few months of sobriety (nor would I want to- blech!) One thing I have learned in the almost two years I have been sober- for me- it doesn’t feel like I have been sober for that long. It’s not the same struggle it was 2 years ago (not by any means). But it’s still there. The nagging knowledge that I am an alcoholic in recovery.  I still wonder, on occasion, if I am “recovered” yet. Or if that is even a state we can every get to. Sometimes I ask myself if I could have a drink or two. That maybe I am done being an alcoholic now. (I can’t, and I still am!)  

While I continue to ponder how I can remain relevant to newly sober I’d like to show you the first sobriety website I found- The Discovering Alcoholic. I posted on the website (while still drunk I am sure), almost two years ago, that I knew it was time to get sober. TDA wrote me back. He encouraged me at that time to not base my own sobriety on the timeline of someone else- but to start counting by the hour if I needed to, or the minute. That’s what I did. Screedler keeps the site up these days and I have to say- this site (in my opinion) is relevant to everyone, in all stages of sobriety! 

Cautious Optimism

I am cautiously optimistic that I will be leaving Afghanistan in the next 36-60-ish hours! I won't know my flight schedule until sometime tomorrow but I hope that it is good news. I haven't had to work for the last 3 days and I have been doing a lot of sleeping!
I strained a muscle in my neck the other day and the Dr gave me a muscle relaxer to take before I go to sleep. Having gone over a year without any kind of prescription medication has made me a light weight. I was so out of it when I took one pill. It made me feel stupid the entire next day. I related to a couple of friends that I couldn't understand what was ever appealing about feeling this dopey! I used to drink to put myself in THAT state? I was flabbergasted when I thought of it from that viewpoint.
Two years ago I struggled to stop feeling like THAT on a daily basis. Two years ago I would get to that state and sleep..and wake up and do it all again. Ridiculous. I see that now.
I know that going home will not be without it's obstacles. However, I am much more equipped to deal with those challenges. I know it will be trying emotionally after gaining so much knowledge about how fucked up the situation is over here... but I was reminded yesterday that slowing myself down mentally is not the answer.

3 days to go!!!

My time in Afghanistan is finally coming to an end! Sometimes it feels like I have been here forever and other times I can't believe a year has gone by. If all goes according to plan I should be sleeping in my bed by May 8th!!! I can't wait!

Getting Closer

I think about leaving here as often as men think about sex...about every 30 seconds!!! 16 days to go. My anxiety is in full swing right now. I have found myself becoming obsessed with my reactions to events when I am stressed. I just rethink the whole scenario over and over again my head until it makes me kinda crazy. That combined with insomnia and this anxiety I have been having lately is pretty overwhelming.
On the bright side though- I have been working out regularly. I have a gym partner now and even though neither one of us usually want to go- we peer pressure each other into going. No small feat considering we are working 13+ hours 7 days a week. I am also happy that I am leaving soon.
There have been a few stressful moments when it comes to my current living conditions with a roommate who turned out to be a pretty big asshole. I will be happy when I get back to my own home, my own bed.
One thing that makes me happy- I do not ever think about alcohol as a coping mechanism. It's simply no longer an option. We have non-alcoholic beer over here- but even that makes me just feel like I am cheating. My feelings on that issue may evolve- I'm not sure.
I am also looking forward to be able to blog more frequently when I get home.

Time is winding down here...

30 days to go! I can say this has been the most difficult yet rewarding thing I have ever done. I am happy to be headed home soon. I am excited for a nice long hot bath, to sleep in my own bed, and to eat some sushi! Well..to eat anything delicious!
I wanted to thank all of you who have supported me through this year. Many good things are still to come in my life- I can't wait to get back to it.

Anxiety

I have 57 days to go and I am feeling a tremendous amount of anxiety. I can't put my finger on the cause and that is making it hard to cope. I should be so happy right now..and yet I can't seem to dig my way out of this slump that I am in.

Depends on the One Day

My husband passed through my base earlier this week. It was quite a wonderful surprise. We both thought he would end up to the North or East which would eliminate the need to transit my base. When he arrived he was informed that he would be here 3 days or more! Oh the joy!! 27 hours later he had moved on :(  . With my work schedule and his job requirements we were able to spend a little bit of time together. 
It was devastating to me when he left because we ended up getting about 20 minutes notice that he was headed out. So our 3 days (or more) turned into ONE day. It was very hard to be grateful initially. But after a little bit of time had passed I was indeed grateful that I had gotten to see him. If we can possibly manage we will try and see each other again before I leave this country in about 59 days! He's eager for me to go home. He keeps telling me I need to be out of this country. I guess it's one thing to hear about this place, and another entirely to actually see the situation on the ground. 
I feel rejuvenated for having gotten to steal a few special moments with him and feel better prepared to make it the 6 months it will be before I see him again. 
I was reminded of a line from Pirates of the Caribbean- quite fitting for a couple of sailors: 


Bootstrap Bill Turner: This ship, it has a duty. And where we are bound, she cannot come. One day at shore... ten years at sea. It's a heavy price for what's been done. 
Will Turner: Depends on the one day. 


What a wonderful day I had. 

Emotional

I'm tired of being in Afghanistan... I want to go home now.

600 Days Sober

Today marks day 600. 600 days sober- imagine that.
I am beginning to look for support groups when I get back. I will likely find an AA meeting that I can attend. I haven't been yet- and it almost seems weird to start going after two years sober- but my major support system (my husband) will be here in Afghanistan by the time I get home....

In The Home Stretch

I have 83 days left in this country. I hate this place. The good things that have happened here were that I managed to get into good shape- with the last 12 weeks a major push to reduce body fat...and I am still sober. For the record- alcohol is not allowed here, so I feel like I cheated a little. Regardless, this time allowed me to get some serious time on my sobriety calculator.
It won't be too long before I am  headed home and will have to deal with the real trials and tribulations of life. This place is some sort of surreal alternate reality where I work a lot, work out a lot, and eat a little bit. I'm not spectacular person for having made it sober here.
The real work starts again when I go home. I am 2 days shy of 600 days sober. That's pretty remarkable for me.  I have become more comfortable in my sobriety. People at work know that I am not a drinker and that feels pretty good.

Why Don’t I Want To Get Sober?

I can’t count how many times I asked myself this question before I finally took the step to clean up. Not wanting to stop drinking was my biggest reason for …well… drinking.  Ultimately I felt like IF I actually had a problem I would want to not have that problem anymore. Like the flu. Sort of. No one likes the flu, and everyone wants to be well again. But alcohol isn’t like that for me. Regardless of how shitty it made me feel to wake up with a hangover. Regardless of how much money I spent on alcohol.  Regardless of the distance drinking put between me and my family. I still wanted to drink.

I don’t even think I consciously wanted to be sober when I finally gave up drinking for good. I convinced myself that it was to lose weight, to connect with my family, or to prevent health problems that were eventually coming, to improve my memory. But really, I didn’t want to quit.

Thank God my original excuses to quit were convincing enough to keep me sober long enough to realize that I really DO want to be sober. 

Always Faithful

I went to a dignified transfer for 6 fallen Marines today. It is the second one I have been to since I have been here. The first one I attended a couple of weeks ago moved me profoundly. The experience is so emotional and sad and I pledged then that I would go to every one that I could- because if that was my brother, or husband, or son I would hope that others would be there to show respect for their sacrifice.
It was rainy and snowy today. Felt like God was weeping for this loss and for the so many other losses we have experienced here.
Semper Fidelis Brothers. Gone for Never Forgotten.

They played the Marine Corps Hymn

From the Hall of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli;

We fight our country's battles

In the air, on land, and sea;

First to fight for right and freedom

And to keep our honor clean:

We are proud to claim the title

Of United States Marine.

Our flag's unfurled to every breeze

From dawn to setting sun;

We have fought in every clime and place

Where we could take a gun;

In the snow of far-off Northern lands

And in sunny tropic scenes;

You will find us always on the job

The United States Marines.

Here's health to you and to our Corps

Which we are proud to serve;

In many a strife we've fought for life

And never lost our nerve;

If the Army and the Navy

Ever look on Heaven’s scenes;

They will find the streets are guarded

By The United States Marines.

103 days to go!

It has been a rough couple of weeks here. I am sure if you Google Kandahar you might see a little bit of what we are experiencing. I am grateful to work in a relatively safe place. I had a particularly bad day on Monday. It was sort of odd because after a huge blow-up my minds first thought was- "If I was home I would definitely...." and then I stopped- because normally that would have ended with "get a drink".. but my thought didn't end like that. I thought- wow...normally I would head straight to the bar, or the store, but that's not an option anymore. If I was home I think I would have gotten into bed and pulled the covers over my eyes and laid right there for a while. Or maybe I would have gone to the gym and run a little bit, or gone for a swim. Or maybe I would have really thrown in the towel and gotten some Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream!
One thing Afghanistan has done for me- it has made it easy for me to stay sober. It seems strange to me to see so many fascinated by alcohol. I think they are so narrow minded for equating every fun moment they have had to being drunk. That used to be me : (  
I have 103 days left in this country. I have been in the Middle East almost 8 months. I have a lot of things to do when I get home- including finding a job. Right now my job is so intense I'd like to do something that doesn't require any brain power!! I wonder if being a yoga teacher, or a masseuse would pay the bills!?!??! Oh the joy of listening to gentle music and helping others restore their own peace of mind. 
103 days. 

Happy New Year

Happy New Year! If you decided 2012 is the year you will be sober- then congratulations on Day 2! If you are considering getting sober- start today. Make up your mind, stop making excuses and do it. The sooner you do the sooner you can stop beating yourself up about being a drunk.
I had a lot of do-overs before I finally quit for good....but I am so glad I did. You're not missing out on anything in life by being sober.
Here's to 2012!

2011 Reflections

2011 has been my first year totally sober – probably since I was 15 years old. I did, on one occasion, have a “near beer” though it wasn’t because I had a desire to pretend that I could drink. I actually felt remarkably guilty after I had it. When I first stopped drinking I didn’t really understand the big deal with non-alcoholic beer, it seemed like a reasonable alternative to going without. Now it just feels like I am trying to trick myself into thinking it’s ok to drink. 

I have spent a majority of this year in Afghanistan. This deployment has changed me profoundly. I feel remarkably older and wiser (though I am definitely not a spring chicken anymore). I have managed to get myself into the best shape, physically, that I have ever been in. And now with the absence of alcohol to derail all of my weight loss I should manage to maintain where I am. 

So far I have managed to stay sober without meetings, support groups, or a sponsor.  My husband has been my strength, and as a non-drinker himself, always has my back. I love him and appreciate him more than I can ever express.  My way may not be the best for everyone- but it has worked for me. I recommend you do whatever is necessary for you to get sober. And in all honesty, I may find a meeting I like when I get home… 

In 2012 I plan to maintain my sobriety. I hope that I can help someone else get sober. I also hope that I can keep up with this blog a little more effectively. Posting is horribly tedious over here…. It takes a good 45 minutes just to get connected. 

I want to thank everyone who has provided support and advice. I also want to thank all the writers of the blogs I read. Again, my connection makes it extremely difficult to post comments on other blogs but I read faithfully.

The longest month...

I am feeling pretty homesick lately. I guess it's the combination of having just been home and the holidays. When I first got back to Afghanistan I was tasked with a pretty big project that took up my entire day. Now things have settled down quite a bit and the days just drag on.
I haven't been going to the gym that much either, so I am sure that isn't helping my mood! I need to get motivated to get back in there and keep pushing forward. It's time to plot out a new set of goals and work hard to achieve them.

Thanksgiving in Afghanistan

I am thankful that I am sober. 17 months.

Back in Afghanistan

I made back to Afghanistan intact. It was a really long trip! I am exhausted right now and don't have a lot of energy- but wanted to post my status.
Hope you all have a Wonderful Thanksgiving..and eat lots of food for me!!