Sunday, December 12, 2010


I have been in a dark place lately. I have suffered from bouts of depression in the past but this is something different. I have been having morbid thoughts of death and injury of my family. I am not sure if this is a product of me spending so much time without them lately and feeling that I am missing them. My mind is f*in with me! I have decided to start taking anti-depressants again. I would really like my Christmas with my family to not revolve around my mental health.
It occurred to me that I might have felt this way before but just drank the feelings away…drowning out my dreams in drunken sleep. Now it seems ridiculous that I would drink.. it’s just going to cause me a headache, and in the end everything is still going to be right where I left it.
It seems weird that it is Christmas time- I should be happy and cheerful. Hopefully those feelings will hit me soon. 


  1. I'm sorry to hear that you have hit a bad patch. If you need anti-depressants then maybe they will help; only you and your doctor can decide that.

    I've found that the fact that the booze has gone means all sorts of emotions come to the surface - somethimes things I'd rather not face. I know it probably sounds like a cliche but the tide always comes back. The great thing is that you aren't drinking away your feelings.

  2. Sounds like you've gone the anti-depressant route before.

    I did that over years, took them, decided to quit them, took them again, decided to quit them again. Different types tried.

    Sadly the reasoning was pitiful. Some because I couldn't take them and drink successfully, some because they didn't make me feel right, some because I believed I was better now so I stopped.

    I'm glad I had tried it all and even though it didn't work there was still an answer, I'm even more grateful now that I've been given a way of living that has removed the thoughts (I sure know how you feel about those terribly disturbing thoughts!) And the feeling of believing I should be able to control my emotions and "feel and think right." Like I can think myself, will myself into thinking differently.

    I learned that it wasn't the drink cause I had put that down, it wasn't a chemical imbalance ... cause I kept adding chemicals and didn't get the lasting results I needed. I thought to myself I'm not some outright mental defective or anything, I just have a little problem and I needed to figure it out.

    I hope you get the results you're seeking! Doctors are very helpful! Especially when I tell them the truth, that I quit drinking and am having some trouble with uncontrolled thoughts and emotions.

    If you happen to have the same problem i did with the chemicals not really working like I thought they should. There's something else available.

    I'm glad you're still here blogging! As I read your profile I think it's great you're still blogging and sharing your experience.