Time is winding down here...

30 days to go! I can say this has been the most difficult yet rewarding thing I have ever done. I am happy to be headed home soon. I am excited for a nice long hot bath, to sleep in my own bed, and to eat some sushi! Well..to eat anything delicious!
I wanted to thank all of you who have supported me through this year. Many good things are still to come in my life- I can't wait to get back to it.

Anxiety

I have 57 days to go and I am feeling a tremendous amount of anxiety. I can't put my finger on the cause and that is making it hard to cope. I should be so happy right now..and yet I can't seem to dig my way out of this slump that I am in.

Depends on the One Day

My husband passed through my base earlier this week. It was quite a wonderful surprise. We both thought he would end up to the North or East which would eliminate the need to transit my base. When he arrived he was informed that he would be here 3 days or more! Oh the joy!! 27 hours later he had moved on :(  . With my work schedule and his job requirements we were able to spend a little bit of time together. 
It was devastating to me when he left because we ended up getting about 20 minutes notice that he was headed out. So our 3 days (or more) turned into ONE day. It was very hard to be grateful initially. But after a little bit of time had passed I was indeed grateful that I had gotten to see him. If we can possibly manage we will try and see each other again before I leave this country in about 59 days! He's eager for me to go home. He keeps telling me I need to be out of this country. I guess it's one thing to hear about this place, and another entirely to actually see the situation on the ground. 
I feel rejuvenated for having gotten to steal a few special moments with him and feel better prepared to make it the 6 months it will be before I see him again. 
I was reminded of a line from Pirates of the Caribbean- quite fitting for a couple of sailors: 


Bootstrap Bill Turner: This ship, it has a duty. And where we are bound, she cannot come. One day at shore... ten years at sea. It's a heavy price for what's been done. 
Will Turner: Depends on the one day. 


What a wonderful day I had. 

Emotional

I'm tired of being in Afghanistan... I want to go home now.

600 Days Sober

Today marks day 600. 600 days sober- imagine that.
I am beginning to look for support groups when I get back. I will likely find an AA meeting that I can attend. I haven't been yet- and it almost seems weird to start going after two years sober- but my major support system (my husband) will be here in Afghanistan by the time I get home....

In The Home Stretch

I have 83 days left in this country. I hate this place. The good things that have happened here were that I managed to get into good shape- with the last 12 weeks a major push to reduce body fat...and I am still sober. For the record- alcohol is not allowed here, so I feel like I cheated a little. Regardless, this time allowed me to get some serious time on my sobriety calculator.
It won't be too long before I am  headed home and will have to deal with the real trials and tribulations of life. This place is some sort of surreal alternate reality where I work a lot, work out a lot, and eat a little bit. I'm not spectacular person for having made it sober here.
The real work starts again when I go home. I am 2 days shy of 600 days sober. That's pretty remarkable for me.  I have become more comfortable in my sobriety. People at work know that I am not a drinker and that feels pretty good.

Why Don’t I Want To Get Sober?

I can’t count how many times I asked myself this question before I finally took the step to clean up. Not wanting to stop drinking was my biggest reason for …well… drinking.  Ultimately I felt like IF I actually had a problem I would want to not have that problem anymore. Like the flu. Sort of. No one likes the flu, and everyone wants to be well again. But alcohol isn’t like that for me. Regardless of how shitty it made me feel to wake up with a hangover. Regardless of how much money I spent on alcohol.  Regardless of the distance drinking put between me and my family. I still wanted to drink.

I don’t even think I consciously wanted to be sober when I finally gave up drinking for good. I convinced myself that it was to lose weight, to connect with my family, or to prevent health problems that were eventually coming, to improve my memory. But really, I didn’t want to quit.

Thank God my original excuses to quit were convincing enough to keep me sober long enough to realize that I really DO want to be sober. 

Always Faithful

I went to a dignified transfer for 6 fallen Marines today. It is the second one I have been to since I have been here. The first one I attended a couple of weeks ago moved me profoundly. The experience is so emotional and sad and I pledged then that I would go to every one that I could- because if that was my brother, or husband, or son I would hope that others would be there to show respect for their sacrifice.
It was rainy and snowy today. Felt like God was weeping for this loss and for the so many other losses we have experienced here.
Semper Fidelis Brothers. Gone for Never Forgotten.

They played the Marine Corps Hymn

From the Hall of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli;

We fight our country's battles

In the air, on land, and sea;

First to fight for right and freedom

And to keep our honor clean:

We are proud to claim the title

Of United States Marine.

Our flag's unfurled to every breeze

From dawn to setting sun;

We have fought in every clime and place

Where we could take a gun;

In the snow of far-off Northern lands

And in sunny tropic scenes;

You will find us always on the job

The United States Marines.

Here's health to you and to our Corps

Which we are proud to serve;

In many a strife we've fought for life

And never lost our nerve;

If the Army and the Navy

Ever look on Heaven’s scenes;

They will find the streets are guarded

By The United States Marines.

103 days to go!

It has been a rough couple of weeks here. I am sure if you Google Kandahar you might see a little bit of what we are experiencing. I am grateful to work in a relatively safe place. I had a particularly bad day on Monday. It was sort of odd because after a huge blow-up my minds first thought was- "If I was home I would definitely...." and then I stopped- because normally that would have ended with "get a drink".. but my thought didn't end like that. I thought- wow...normally I would head straight to the bar, or the store, but that's not an option anymore. If I was home I think I would have gotten into bed and pulled the covers over my eyes and laid right there for a while. Or maybe I would have gone to the gym and run a little bit, or gone for a swim. Or maybe I would have really thrown in the towel and gotten some Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream!
One thing Afghanistan has done for me- it has made it easy for me to stay sober. It seems strange to me to see so many fascinated by alcohol. I think they are so narrow minded for equating every fun moment they have had to being drunk. That used to be me : (  
I have 103 days left in this country. I have been in the Middle East almost 8 months. I have a lot of things to do when I get home- including finding a job. Right now my job is so intense I'd like to do something that doesn't require any brain power!! I wonder if being a yoga teacher, or a masseuse would pay the bills!?!??! Oh the joy of listening to gentle music and helping others restore their own peace of mind. 
103 days. 

Happy New Year

Happy New Year! If you decided 2012 is the year you will be sober- then congratulations on Day 2! If you are considering getting sober- start today. Make up your mind, stop making excuses and do it. The sooner you do the sooner you can stop beating yourself up about being a drunk.
I had a lot of do-overs before I finally quit for good....but I am so glad I did. You're not missing out on anything in life by being sober.
Here's to 2012!

2011 Reflections

2011 has been my first year totally sober – probably since I was 15 years old. I did, on one occasion, have a “near beer” though it wasn’t because I had a desire to pretend that I could drink. I actually felt remarkably guilty after I had it. When I first stopped drinking I didn’t really understand the big deal with non-alcoholic beer, it seemed like a reasonable alternative to going without. Now it just feels like I am trying to trick myself into thinking it’s ok to drink. 

I have spent a majority of this year in Afghanistan. This deployment has changed me profoundly. I feel remarkably older and wiser (though I am definitely not a spring chicken anymore). I have managed to get myself into the best shape, physically, that I have ever been in. And now with the absence of alcohol to derail all of my weight loss I should manage to maintain where I am. 

So far I have managed to stay sober without meetings, support groups, or a sponsor.  My husband has been my strength, and as a non-drinker himself, always has my back. I love him and appreciate him more than I can ever express.  My way may not be the best for everyone- but it has worked for me. I recommend you do whatever is necessary for you to get sober. And in all honesty, I may find a meeting I like when I get home… 

In 2012 I plan to maintain my sobriety. I hope that I can help someone else get sober. I also hope that I can keep up with this blog a little more effectively. Posting is horribly tedious over here…. It takes a good 45 minutes just to get connected. 

I want to thank everyone who has provided support and advice. I also want to thank all the writers of the blogs I read. Again, my connection makes it extremely difficult to post comments on other blogs but I read faithfully.

The longest month...

I am feeling pretty homesick lately. I guess it's the combination of having just been home and the holidays. When I first got back to Afghanistan I was tasked with a pretty big project that took up my entire day. Now things have settled down quite a bit and the days just drag on.
I haven't been going to the gym that much either, so I am sure that isn't helping my mood! I need to get motivated to get back in there and keep pushing forward. It's time to plot out a new set of goals and work hard to achieve them.

Thanksgiving in Afghanistan

I am thankful that I am sober. 17 months.

Back in Afghanistan

I made back to Afghanistan intact. It was a really long trip! I am exhausted right now and don't have a lot of energy- but wanted to post my status.
Hope you all have a Wonderful Thanksgiving..and eat lots of food for me!!

Finishing What I Started

I am headed back to Afghanistan tomorrow. It will most likely take me 3 days standing in line, waiting, and flying to get back. It has been a wonderful bit of time off. I have been taking advantage of the time to relax and have had some wonderful conversations with my family. We have eaten out, shopped, and had ice cream for breakfast! I have appx 6 months to go.
We had a few people over for a boxing match this weekend. Most of our friends do not drink when they come over because we don't let them drive if they have been drinking. However, our neighbors came over with a bottle of liquor. While it wasn't a challenge for me not drink it was a pretty big eye opener as to how obnoxious drunk people can be. One of the guys who was here had way too much to drink. Looking back I bet I would have seen his antics as hilarious back when I was drinking. My husband told him at the end of the night (and again the next day so he'd remember) that he would NOT ever been drinking in our house again.
I am so glad to be sober.

Adjusting

I am so happy to be home. Arriving at home was not without some calamity during the 72 hours it took me to get here (of course)- but I am home now and that’s all that matters.

My step- son asked me how it felt to be home because he said I looked like I was “lost”. It’s true though- I don’t know how to act right now. I have been working 12-13 hour days everyday for the last 5 months, one day off during that time. Now I have time. All the time in the world with no specific tasks to complete.

I find that I am coping with the initial signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am hoping it is just a temporary “readjustment” issue but I am worried. I am uncomfortable in open rooms and find more comfort sitting here in my room than I do in the living room that is open.  I started having graphic nightmares 3 months ago. When you hear a loud bang over there everyone experiences the same feeling of “what was that????????..duck and cover”. Being in Afghanistan you have  certain amount of …. uncontrollable chaos I guess…that everyone else experiences. We all get it over there. I am fortunate here that I can talk to my husband about all of the stuff that goes on over there and he can relate because he has experienced the same stuff.  

Yesterday we were driving and we saw some bizarre random act of violence! We saw a small pickup deliberately ram a car stopped at a stop light…and continue ramming them! The victim finally maneuvered out of the way and sped off with the other car in pursuit. Weird. Normally that sort of thing would have been horribly  traumatizing too me. Random acts of violence have always done that to me. Not yesterday though..I just sat back and said … “hmm, don’t see that everyday.”

I understand why drinking becomes a crutch for people with PTSD. I have a strong desire to slow myself to down to a speed that I can handle….or at least make the world appear to slow down. This two weeks home is important to me because I am learning how to cope without drinking with the support of my husband. When I come home for good in May there is a good chance he will be working overseas…. so my major support may not be here when I get home. I am looking for the tools now so I can continue to use them when I get home.

I am approaching 500 days of sobriety. Time sober is like time in Afghanistan- it goes by fast. Sobriety is a gift that allows you to enjoy life more thoroughly. There is not magic pill that you can take to make you WANT to be sober. Sobriety is hard work. For a long time I felt like there would be a magic last drink that would ultimately be “enough”. Like I could plan my last day of drinking and then the last drink I took that night would be THE one to finally satisfy my craving for alcohol. That drink doesn’t exist. When I first sobered up -the liquor aisle of the grocery store was tormenting for me! Like all the bottles were taunting me to get me to drink. Every alcohol commercial or ad was somehow personally directed at destroying my hard fought sobriety.  Now I see- being sober is a daily decision. Somedays you will have to decide several times in a day whether or now you will stay sober. But most days I don’t have to make that decision.

I am grateful to be alive and well. I have learned in being in Afghanistan that there are a lot of people who do not have control over their daily lives. If you don’t have control over yours…wouldn’t today be a great day to start? 

Finally!!!

Finally! I am headed home for R&R!!! I am hoping to be home by Monday and then will get 15 days at home to relax. I haven't planned much for that time...I really just want to enjoy my house and my family!
It's new to me to listen to other people talk about how much they can't wait to go have a drink when it's their turn to go on vacation. It seems to be the one common theme everyone has.... I am glad to not be that person anymore. Before I sobered up I would have had the same mindset..and I would have spent my entire vacation in a drunken haze. This time I get to enjoy the simple things in life...

Checking in

My second 5k! I am feeling good and only 10 days until I am on R&R!!!!! The thing about running around a base in Afghanistan- apparently measuring out a 5k is pretty difficult. It is safe to say this run was significantly longer than a 5k! My nike ipod said 5.85- but according to my pace I would have finished a minute sooner than I did in my first race! I have one more 5k this Sunday before I go home. I am so excited. I am also excited that I have a husband who doesn't drink. There will be no pressure to go party... just wonderful time at home with my husband, my kids and our dogs!!

Alive and well!

Time is passing here. I go home for R&R in 43 days!
I also ran my first ever 5k. It was a lot of fun. The "Kandahar POW/MIA Remembrance Run". Six of us from my office ran in it. To date I have lost 20lbs since I arrived here about 16 weeks ago. I reached my goal weight about 2 weeks ago and have fallen off my healthy eating since then. But I am getting back to it tomorrow. I plan on running a 5k once a month while I am out here.
Just wanted to check in... life is busy here.

How do you help someone realize they are an alcoholic?

I work with a guy whose stories always involve alcohol and being drunk. Now I'm not substance abuse expert but having walked in those shoes I think that anyone who thinks so much about alcohol that it is a part of every story they tell is probably an alcoholic (based on the stories I have heard from him). He is sober by mandate right now- with the exception of any booze someone might smuggle him in a care package.
Do you approach people? In your early stages of recovery did anyone say anything to you that eventually inspired you to get sober? I work with this guy and will be working with him for the next year and I don't want to do anything to make the next year an uncomfortable experience.