2011 Reflections

2011 has been my first year totally sober – probably since I was 15 years old. I did, on one occasion, have a “near beer” though it wasn’t because I had a desire to pretend that I could drink. I actually felt remarkably guilty after I had it. When I first stopped drinking I didn’t really understand the big deal with non-alcoholic beer, it seemed like a reasonable alternative to going without. Now it just feels like I am trying to trick myself into thinking it’s ok to drink. 

I have spent a majority of this year in Afghanistan. This deployment has changed me profoundly. I feel remarkably older and wiser (though I am definitely not a spring chicken anymore). I have managed to get myself into the best shape, physically, that I have ever been in. And now with the absence of alcohol to derail all of my weight loss I should manage to maintain where I am. 

So far I have managed to stay sober without meetings, support groups, or a sponsor.  My husband has been my strength, and as a non-drinker himself, always has my back. I love him and appreciate him more than I can ever express.  My way may not be the best for everyone- but it has worked for me. I recommend you do whatever is necessary for you to get sober. And in all honesty, I may find a meeting I like when I get home… 

In 2012 I plan to maintain my sobriety. I hope that I can help someone else get sober. I also hope that I can keep up with this blog a little more effectively. Posting is horribly tedious over here…. It takes a good 45 minutes just to get connected. 

I want to thank everyone who has provided support and advice. I also want to thank all the writers of the blogs I read. Again, my connection makes it extremely difficult to post comments on other blogs but I read faithfully.

The longest month...

I am feeling pretty homesick lately. I guess it's the combination of having just been home and the holidays. When I first got back to Afghanistan I was tasked with a pretty big project that took up my entire day. Now things have settled down quite a bit and the days just drag on.
I haven't been going to the gym that much either, so I am sure that isn't helping my mood! I need to get motivated to get back in there and keep pushing forward. It's time to plot out a new set of goals and work hard to achieve them.

Thanksgiving in Afghanistan

I am thankful that I am sober. 17 months.

Back in Afghanistan

I made back to Afghanistan intact. It was a really long trip! I am exhausted right now and don't have a lot of energy- but wanted to post my status.
Hope you all have a Wonderful Thanksgiving..and eat lots of food for me!!

Finishing What I Started

I am headed back to Afghanistan tomorrow. It will most likely take me 3 days standing in line, waiting, and flying to get back. It has been a wonderful bit of time off. I have been taking advantage of the time to relax and have had some wonderful conversations with my family. We have eaten out, shopped, and had ice cream for breakfast! I have appx 6 months to go.
We had a few people over for a boxing match this weekend. Most of our friends do not drink when they come over because we don't let them drive if they have been drinking. However, our neighbors came over with a bottle of liquor. While it wasn't a challenge for me not drink it was a pretty big eye opener as to how obnoxious drunk people can be. One of the guys who was here had way too much to drink. Looking back I bet I would have seen his antics as hilarious back when I was drinking. My husband told him at the end of the night (and again the next day so he'd remember) that he would NOT ever been drinking in our house again.
I am so glad to be sober.

Adjusting

I am so happy to be home. Arriving at home was not without some calamity during the 72 hours it took me to get here (of course)- but I am home now and that’s all that matters.

My step- son asked me how it felt to be home because he said I looked like I was “lost”. It’s true though- I don’t know how to act right now. I have been working 12-13 hour days everyday for the last 5 months, one day off during that time. Now I have time. All the time in the world with no specific tasks to complete.

I find that I am coping with the initial signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am hoping it is just a temporary “readjustment” issue but I am worried. I am uncomfortable in open rooms and find more comfort sitting here in my room than I do in the living room that is open.  I started having graphic nightmares 3 months ago. When you hear a loud bang over there everyone experiences the same feeling of “what was that????????..duck and cover”. Being in Afghanistan you have  certain amount of …. uncontrollable chaos I guess…that everyone else experiences. We all get it over there. I am fortunate here that I can talk to my husband about all of the stuff that goes on over there and he can relate because he has experienced the same stuff.  

Yesterday we were driving and we saw some bizarre random act of violence! We saw a small pickup deliberately ram a car stopped at a stop light…and continue ramming them! The victim finally maneuvered out of the way and sped off with the other car in pursuit. Weird. Normally that sort of thing would have been horribly  traumatizing too me. Random acts of violence have always done that to me. Not yesterday though..I just sat back and said … “hmm, don’t see that everyday.”

I understand why drinking becomes a crutch for people with PTSD. I have a strong desire to slow myself to down to a speed that I can handle….or at least make the world appear to slow down. This two weeks home is important to me because I am learning how to cope without drinking with the support of my husband. When I come home for good in May there is a good chance he will be working overseas…. so my major support may not be here when I get home. I am looking for the tools now so I can continue to use them when I get home.

I am approaching 500 days of sobriety. Time sober is like time in Afghanistan- it goes by fast. Sobriety is a gift that allows you to enjoy life more thoroughly. There is not magic pill that you can take to make you WANT to be sober. Sobriety is hard work. For a long time I felt like there would be a magic last drink that would ultimately be “enough”. Like I could plan my last day of drinking and then the last drink I took that night would be THE one to finally satisfy my craving for alcohol. That drink doesn’t exist. When I first sobered up -the liquor aisle of the grocery store was tormenting for me! Like all the bottles were taunting me to get me to drink. Every alcohol commercial or ad was somehow personally directed at destroying my hard fought sobriety.  Now I see- being sober is a daily decision. Somedays you will have to decide several times in a day whether or now you will stay sober. But most days I don’t have to make that decision.

I am grateful to be alive and well. I have learned in being in Afghanistan that there are a lot of people who do not have control over their daily lives. If you don’t have control over yours…wouldn’t today be a great day to start? 

Finally!!!

Finally! I am headed home for R&R!!! I am hoping to be home by Monday and then will get 15 days at home to relax. I haven't planned much for that time...I really just want to enjoy my house and my family!
It's new to me to listen to other people talk about how much they can't wait to go have a drink when it's their turn to go on vacation. It seems to be the one common theme everyone has.... I am glad to not be that person anymore. Before I sobered up I would have had the same mindset..and I would have spent my entire vacation in a drunken haze. This time I get to enjoy the simple things in life...

Checking in

My second 5k! I am feeling good and only 10 days until I am on R&R!!!!! The thing about running around a base in Afghanistan- apparently measuring out a 5k is pretty difficult. It is safe to say this run was significantly longer than a 5k! My nike ipod said 5.85- but according to my pace I would have finished a minute sooner than I did in my first race! I have one more 5k this Sunday before I go home. I am so excited. I am also excited that I have a husband who doesn't drink. There will be no pressure to go party... just wonderful time at home with my husband, my kids and our dogs!!

Alive and well!

Time is passing here. I go home for R&R in 43 days!
I also ran my first ever 5k. It was a lot of fun. The "Kandahar POW/MIA Remembrance Run". Six of us from my office ran in it. To date I have lost 20lbs since I arrived here about 16 weeks ago. I reached my goal weight about 2 weeks ago and have fallen off my healthy eating since then. But I am getting back to it tomorrow. I plan on running a 5k once a month while I am out here.
Just wanted to check in... life is busy here.

How do you help someone realize they are an alcoholic?

I work with a guy whose stories always involve alcohol and being drunk. Now I'm not substance abuse expert but having walked in those shoes I think that anyone who thinks so much about alcohol that it is a part of every story they tell is probably an alcoholic (based on the stories I have heard from him). He is sober by mandate right now- with the exception of any booze someone might smuggle him in a care package.
Do you approach people? In your early stages of recovery did anyone say anything to you that eventually inspired you to get sober? I work with this guy and will be working with him for the next year and I don't want to do anything to make the next year an uncomfortable experience. 

Has it been a year yet?

 It feels like I have been here F.O.R.E.V.E.R.! !!!! Ok… not forever- but July sure took a long time to get through.  I am trying to find some things that I can to help me keep moving forward emotionally and physically. I have been working out quite a bit and am getting in pretty good shape. I am also going to be sign up for my first ever 5k race in September. I have been reading the bible a lot along with some devotional passes to work on my mental health. But somehow, I don’t think I am doing as well as I could be. I have been suffering from a pretty significant bout of depression and feel like I am not performing as well as I should be at work, which is funny because they just took my teammate away because I was “holding it down on my own.” I guess they really mean it when they say “Army of one!” I guess once I get myself together mentally I will really blow them out of the water.  So, this is my dilemma- what the hell do I do with myself to get myself out of this emotional funk that I am in? I work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. I go to the gym 6 days a week and have gained a lot of muscle and have lost 14 pounds so far (6 more to go to reach my goal!) I read at night before I go to bed- yet there is still this huge void in me right now. Sigh…

Homesick....

I am homesick this week. I am two months into my deployment, 3 months from R&R, and 10 months from coming home. blah
One of the young pro-boxers my husband has been helping coach was shot and killed this weekend. My husband is devastated. He told me he didn't know how the young man's dad was going to make it through this. I guess taking the time to read the bible every night helped me out because I remembered one of the reflections written that reminded me that God gives us enough to get through the day that we are in...and we have to have faith that he will give us enough to get through tomorrow when tomorrow comes.
Hope you are all doing well- I think of my blogging family all the time!

Passing Time

I have been in Afghanistan for 6 weeks now. Time is moving. I have gotten in to a rhythm of working, working out and sleeping. Work is going well and I am staying busy at work. Sobriety is not a constant struggle here- but it gets easy to fall into conversations about drinking- as that appears to be the only thing people think about over here.


I am pretty sure one of the guys who just got here is an alcoholic and some other substance abuse issues. He will have to get clean here though.

I have been reading my bible consistently- looking for some internal peace. I am amazed at how many passages talk directly about drinking too much. Interesting. Don't think I ever noticed that before.

I found a solution to blogging without internet in my room. I am currently at an internet cafe. The only problems are that it took me 30 minutes to get a computer and I only get 30 minutes online. Couple that with the 15 minutes it took me to get to this website and that will explain the short nature of this blog!

Hope you are all doing well.

When Drinking Isn’t an Option

Because alcohol is not available here a lot of people talk about what they are going to do when they get home. A good majority of those people say they can't wait to have a beer. People talk about drinks and drinking frequently here. I get sucked into those conversations on occasion. I guess 12 hours on night shift gets you to talking about all kinds of crazy stuff. I cannot share with people that I work with my struggles with alcohol. It is just not an option. I need to do something to connect more with non-drinkers but it is a difficult thing to do. Right now my life consists of working for 12 hours, working out at the gym for 2 hours, showering and sleeping. Somewhere in all that time I have to throw in eating, cleaning up, and doing laundry. Then I get up and do it all over again, every single day. I have 315 days to go.

I currently have an internet connection in my room- but honestly- the only time I use it is to log on to read blogs. Everything else I can do at work- but blogging websites are blocked. I really have to determine whether paying for internet access is a valid expense or if it's something I could do without. 

Since I have been here I have been focusing on getting myself physically well. I have started counting calories. There is no use trying to eat clean because most of the time that's not a viable option. Here you have to figure out how to make due with what they have available. I have also started to work out 6 days a week. On Monday I kick the intensity of my workout up another notch. I have gotten myself into very good shape several times before- but my hard work was always undone by massive amounts of calories consumed in the form of alcohol. It's nice to know that it won't be my undoing this time!

1 YEAR SOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How awesome is that??!?!?!?!?!?!?
That is such a huge accomplishment for me! I don't think I have gone a year without drinking since I was 14 years old!! Maybe even younger than that!
I am happy to report that in spite of this current giant craphole of a situation I am in- life is good. I don't think about alcohol every minute of everyday. I no longer see it as my only method of coping with life. I am happy- and most importantly- I AM SOBER! (STILL!!!)

Life is so surreal here...

I have been in the middle east for 12 days. I have 338 days to go. Right now I work (nights), eat and sleep. 12 hours on, 12 hours off, 7 days a week. The night before last I heard the first booms of an attempted rocket attack, then the sirens. Nice early indication warning. I found myself cringing when I got back to my room when I heard helo's flying over. It is a helpless feeling.
I am 12 days away from my one year anniversary of sobriety. But right now that isn't even a priority in my life. Drinking here is not an option. There is no alcohol- only non-alcohol beer. Funny how life turns around. A year ago I was wallowing in my own self pity, miserable because I was an alcoholic.
Now I sit here in Afghanistan worried about rocket attacks. Contrary to some belief I see evidence of great things being done by the coalition of forces here. I cannot predict the future- but I hope it is one in which we have brought the good people in Afghanistan a little closer to feeling safe from the chaos that usually surrounds them.

Finally Made It!

A month later and I am finally at my final destination! I arrived in Kandahar early, early, early morning on June 2nd. I am finally settled in a permanent barracks room and am starting to find my way around. I will begin working nights tomorrow so I am going to attempt to stay up all night tonight to prepare myself!
I spent a few days in Kuwait before getting here- let me tell you- that is THE HOTTEST place I have ever been! It got up to 118 degrees while we were there. We were all trying to figure out which meals we could skip so that  we wouldn't have to go outside! Just a walk to eat and back tired us out so much we usually all took naps!
It's pretty hot here too- but it's not as horrible as Kuwait.
All bases over here are no alcohol- they only sell non-alcoholic beer. No temptation. I guess hell has perks too!

Lots of travel

I am at an interim stop in Kuwait awaiting transportation to my next duty station. My emotions have been running rampant with all the changes and transitions. I have been going full speed ahead the last 4 weeks and right now I get two days of down time to relax and acclimate to the environment.  I do much better at the full speed ahead. Having this down time is making me lonely!

The last weekend I spent in the states my husband came for a visit. We took two females that were in my barracks with us for dinner to give them a chance to get off base. The rules while in training were strictly no drinking- yet these two felt it would be worth it to take that chance and ordered wine with dinner. At one time that would have been me taking that unnecessary chance at losing my orders and being disciplined by the military. A year ago I wouldn’t have cared about the repercussions.  

It’s lights out here now- just wanted to pop in and say hello!

Tired- But Alive and Well

Needless to say I have been VERY busy! My days are a busy blur of Army training. We have been busy learning everything you need to know about a rifle, traveling in country, what to expect... there has been so much! The Army drill instructors are awesome- and make everything a lot of fun.
I haven't had to worry too much about sobriety because alcohol is simply not an option where I am now.
My husband is coming to see me this weekend as we get an overnight off. This will most likely be our last visit before I leave.
I am behind in my blog reading- but I hope you are all doing well.

ahhh..the joys of Wi-Fi

I arrived safely at my first stop for training- after a 7 hour bus ride! Thank goodness it was a chartered bus.
I am proud of myself today. This evening is the last hurrah for anyone who wanted to have a drink. After tonight there is to be NO alcohol consumption by anyone in training - and pretty much for the extent of the length of their tours. All of us girls decided to go to the little sports bar on base. I was the only one not drinking. It is the first time in almost a year that I have been in that situation. I am proud of myself. I had a couple of diet pepsi- and brushed off remarks about not drinking rather well.
Tomorrow, instead of feeling bloated and head-achey I will lay in bed with deliberate laziness!! Not hang-over ness! Tomorrow is the only slow paced day I am likely to experience in the next year.
Thank you all for all your wonderful well wishes. It might sound small- but it really is huge and it means a lot to me.