Finally!!!

Finally! I am headed home for R&R!!! I am hoping to be home by Monday and then will get 15 days at home to relax. I haven't planned much for that time...I really just want to enjoy my house and my family!
It's new to me to listen to other people talk about how much they can't wait to go have a drink when it's their turn to go on vacation. It seems to be the one common theme everyone has.... I am glad to not be that person anymore. Before I sobered up I would have had the same mindset..and I would have spent my entire vacation in a drunken haze. This time I get to enjoy the simple things in life...

Checking in

My second 5k! I am feeling good and only 10 days until I am on R&R!!!!! The thing about running around a base in Afghanistan- apparently measuring out a 5k is pretty difficult. It is safe to say this run was significantly longer than a 5k! My nike ipod said 5.85- but according to my pace I would have finished a minute sooner than I did in my first race! I have one more 5k this Sunday before I go home. I am so excited. I am also excited that I have a husband who doesn't drink. There will be no pressure to go party... just wonderful time at home with my husband, my kids and our dogs!!

Alive and well!

Time is passing here. I go home for R&R in 43 days!
I also ran my first ever 5k. It was a lot of fun. The "Kandahar POW/MIA Remembrance Run". Six of us from my office ran in it. To date I have lost 20lbs since I arrived here about 16 weeks ago. I reached my goal weight about 2 weeks ago and have fallen off my healthy eating since then. But I am getting back to it tomorrow. I plan on running a 5k once a month while I am out here.
Just wanted to check in... life is busy here.

How do you help someone realize they are an alcoholic?

I work with a guy whose stories always involve alcohol and being drunk. Now I'm not substance abuse expert but having walked in those shoes I think that anyone who thinks so much about alcohol that it is a part of every story they tell is probably an alcoholic (based on the stories I have heard from him). He is sober by mandate right now- with the exception of any booze someone might smuggle him in a care package.
Do you approach people? In your early stages of recovery did anyone say anything to you that eventually inspired you to get sober? I work with this guy and will be working with him for the next year and I don't want to do anything to make the next year an uncomfortable experience. 

Has it been a year yet?

 It feels like I have been here F.O.R.E.V.E.R.! !!!! Ok… not forever- but July sure took a long time to get through.  I am trying to find some things that I can to help me keep moving forward emotionally and physically. I have been working out quite a bit and am getting in pretty good shape. I am also going to be sign up for my first ever 5k race in September. I have been reading the bible a lot along with some devotional passes to work on my mental health. But somehow, I don’t think I am doing as well as I could be. I have been suffering from a pretty significant bout of depression and feel like I am not performing as well as I should be at work, which is funny because they just took my teammate away because I was “holding it down on my own.” I guess they really mean it when they say “Army of one!” I guess once I get myself together mentally I will really blow them out of the water.  So, this is my dilemma- what the hell do I do with myself to get myself out of this emotional funk that I am in? I work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. I go to the gym 6 days a week and have gained a lot of muscle and have lost 14 pounds so far (6 more to go to reach my goal!) I read at night before I go to bed- yet there is still this huge void in me right now. Sigh…

Homesick....

I am homesick this week. I am two months into my deployment, 3 months from R&R, and 10 months from coming home. blah
One of the young pro-boxers my husband has been helping coach was shot and killed this weekend. My husband is devastated. He told me he didn't know how the young man's dad was going to make it through this. I guess taking the time to read the bible every night helped me out because I remembered one of the reflections written that reminded me that God gives us enough to get through the day that we are in...and we have to have faith that he will give us enough to get through tomorrow when tomorrow comes.
Hope you are all doing well- I think of my blogging family all the time!

Passing Time

I have been in Afghanistan for 6 weeks now. Time is moving. I have gotten in to a rhythm of working, working out and sleeping. Work is going well and I am staying busy at work. Sobriety is not a constant struggle here- but it gets easy to fall into conversations about drinking- as that appears to be the only thing people think about over here.


I am pretty sure one of the guys who just got here is an alcoholic and some other substance abuse issues. He will have to get clean here though.

I have been reading my bible consistently- looking for some internal peace. I am amazed at how many passages talk directly about drinking too much. Interesting. Don't think I ever noticed that before.

I found a solution to blogging without internet in my room. I am currently at an internet cafe. The only problems are that it took me 30 minutes to get a computer and I only get 30 minutes online. Couple that with the 15 minutes it took me to get to this website and that will explain the short nature of this blog!

Hope you are all doing well.

When Drinking Isn’t an Option

Because alcohol is not available here a lot of people talk about what they are going to do when they get home. A good majority of those people say they can't wait to have a beer. People talk about drinks and drinking frequently here. I get sucked into those conversations on occasion. I guess 12 hours on night shift gets you to talking about all kinds of crazy stuff. I cannot share with people that I work with my struggles with alcohol. It is just not an option. I need to do something to connect more with non-drinkers but it is a difficult thing to do. Right now my life consists of working for 12 hours, working out at the gym for 2 hours, showering and sleeping. Somewhere in all that time I have to throw in eating, cleaning up, and doing laundry. Then I get up and do it all over again, every single day. I have 315 days to go.

I currently have an internet connection in my room- but honestly- the only time I use it is to log on to read blogs. Everything else I can do at work- but blogging websites are blocked. I really have to determine whether paying for internet access is a valid expense or if it's something I could do without. 

Since I have been here I have been focusing on getting myself physically well. I have started counting calories. There is no use trying to eat clean because most of the time that's not a viable option. Here you have to figure out how to make due with what they have available. I have also started to work out 6 days a week. On Monday I kick the intensity of my workout up another notch. I have gotten myself into very good shape several times before- but my hard work was always undone by massive amounts of calories consumed in the form of alcohol. It's nice to know that it won't be my undoing this time!

1 YEAR SOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How awesome is that??!?!?!?!?!?!?
That is such a huge accomplishment for me! I don't think I have gone a year without drinking since I was 14 years old!! Maybe even younger than that!
I am happy to report that in spite of this current giant craphole of a situation I am in- life is good. I don't think about alcohol every minute of everyday. I no longer see it as my only method of coping with life. I am happy- and most importantly- I AM SOBER! (STILL!!!)

Life is so surreal here...

I have been in the middle east for 12 days. I have 338 days to go. Right now I work (nights), eat and sleep. 12 hours on, 12 hours off, 7 days a week. The night before last I heard the first booms of an attempted rocket attack, then the sirens. Nice early indication warning. I found myself cringing when I got back to my room when I heard helo's flying over. It is a helpless feeling.
I am 12 days away from my one year anniversary of sobriety. But right now that isn't even a priority in my life. Drinking here is not an option. There is no alcohol- only non-alcohol beer. Funny how life turns around. A year ago I was wallowing in my own self pity, miserable because I was an alcoholic.
Now I sit here in Afghanistan worried about rocket attacks. Contrary to some belief I see evidence of great things being done by the coalition of forces here. I cannot predict the future- but I hope it is one in which we have brought the good people in Afghanistan a little closer to feeling safe from the chaos that usually surrounds them.

Finally Made It!

A month later and I am finally at my final destination! I arrived in Kandahar early, early, early morning on June 2nd. I am finally settled in a permanent barracks room and am starting to find my way around. I will begin working nights tomorrow so I am going to attempt to stay up all night tonight to prepare myself!
I spent a few days in Kuwait before getting here- let me tell you- that is THE HOTTEST place I have ever been! It got up to 118 degrees while we were there. We were all trying to figure out which meals we could skip so that  we wouldn't have to go outside! Just a walk to eat and back tired us out so much we usually all took naps!
It's pretty hot here too- but it's not as horrible as Kuwait.
All bases over here are no alcohol- they only sell non-alcoholic beer. No temptation. I guess hell has perks too!

Lots of travel

I am at an interim stop in Kuwait awaiting transportation to my next duty station. My emotions have been running rampant with all the changes and transitions. I have been going full speed ahead the last 4 weeks and right now I get two days of down time to relax and acclimate to the environment.  I do much better at the full speed ahead. Having this down time is making me lonely!

The last weekend I spent in the states my husband came for a visit. We took two females that were in my barracks with us for dinner to give them a chance to get off base. The rules while in training were strictly no drinking- yet these two felt it would be worth it to take that chance and ordered wine with dinner. At one time that would have been me taking that unnecessary chance at losing my orders and being disciplined by the military. A year ago I wouldn’t have cared about the repercussions.  

It’s lights out here now- just wanted to pop in and say hello!

Tired- But Alive and Well

Needless to say I have been VERY busy! My days are a busy blur of Army training. We have been busy learning everything you need to know about a rifle, traveling in country, what to expect... there has been so much! The Army drill instructors are awesome- and make everything a lot of fun.
I haven't had to worry too much about sobriety because alcohol is simply not an option where I am now.
My husband is coming to see me this weekend as we get an overnight off. This will most likely be our last visit before I leave.
I am behind in my blog reading- but I hope you are all doing well.

ahhh..the joys of Wi-Fi

I arrived safely at my first stop for training- after a 7 hour bus ride! Thank goodness it was a chartered bus.
I am proud of myself today. This evening is the last hurrah for anyone who wanted to have a drink. After tonight there is to be NO alcohol consumption by anyone in training - and pretty much for the extent of the length of their tours. All of us girls decided to go to the little sports bar on base. I was the only one not drinking. It is the first time in almost a year that I have been in that situation. I am proud of myself. I had a couple of diet pepsi- and brushed off remarks about not drinking rather well.
Tomorrow, instead of feeling bloated and head-achey I will lay in bed with deliberate laziness!! Not hang-over ness! Tomorrow is the only slow paced day I am likely to experience in the next year.
Thank you all for all your wonderful well wishes. It might sound small- but it really is huge and it means a lot to me.

Cleared to proceed

I spent this week going through medical exams and taking care of paperwork before I mobilize. I am lucky that the processing center is close to home. Some others have already had to say their final goodbyes.
I have had a lot of "white space" lately while waiting between people to poke and prod me. "White space" is what the military calls down time.
My body has stopped cooperating with me when it comes to sleep. I have a very difficult time sleeping lately- which leaves me drained throughout the day. I guess in a few days it won't matter because someone else will be dictating when I do EVERYTHING!
I am feeling very strong in my sobriety- though I have to admit I had the most overwhelming craving for a chocolate martini on Tuesday. I have no idea what triggered that. Stress maybe- last time I had a chocolate martini I was in a state of deep depression. I sat at home with a Sams Club size bottle of vodka and drank myself stupid. That was about 7 years ago. I didnt' stop drinking right then- but I can't recall having another one of those!
I am settling in to the thought of being in the middle east for the next year. I am pretty lucky because my job will keep me in a safe place. There are plenty of people processing with me who won't be as fortunate as I am. Please say a prayer for them.
I am headed out on Saturday morning for 3 weeks of training and then overseas.

Afghanistan Count Down

I will be spending my one year sobriety anniversary in Afghanistan (June 21, 2011!).  I hope to continue to blog from my duty station- though at this point I don't know if that will be an option. In the event of an extended absence please understand that it isn't because I have gone back to drinking. Sobriety has made me a better person- I don't intend to go back to that drunken place. If I am not able to blog I will be back June 2012.
I hope to blog at least one more time before I leave. God Bless.

Getting closer

As my days at home wind down I am getting more and more lazy. Today I should be exercising, cleaning, doing laundry, packing, taking care of business. What is actually happening- got out of bed around 11am, drinking a diet Mt. Dew, eating easter candy for breakfast, sitting on the couch, on the internet.
I know that I am going to kick myself for not exercising more when I get to my training on May 8th. But honestly, I have a whole year of working and working out. My motivation is zilch! I figured out when I first got home two weeks ago that I could run a fair distance in a pace above that of a snail- so that was a load off. I should be working on my time- but I really have not found the "go get'em" to make that happen.
I am not beating myself up over it. I am going to enjoy the time I have in my home, in the wonderful air conditioning, or outside in a temperature that doesn't feel that close to hell. I am still going to hot yoga 4 times a week.
Life is O.K. for me right now. I am having some roller coaster emotions and some nightmares. I haven't had nightmares since I moved to the east coast 6 years ago. Most of them center around me not being in control of my situation. I hope as time moves forward and I get to where I am going they will subside.
Easter was nice and quiet here. I cooked way too much food for my husband and I. We will be eating leftovers all week! I am enjoying the days as they come.
Many people ask me how I feel about going to Afghanistan. I tell them I have a healthy dose of fear, but I know I will be as safe as I can be in the situation. What I do know is that I signed up and I will go and do what they tell me to do, because that is my job. Regardless of my feelings on the situation. I can choose to wake up and be miserable every day for the next year, or I can choose to have a positive attitude and make the best of the situation. I choose to be positive. I hope that in whatever situation you might be in that you will do the same.

Alcoholic Thinking Part 2

I was having a hypothetical conversation with myself today. I was wondering what it be like if I started to drink again and was actually able to monitor my drinking. What would it look like to be in control? Would I just have ONE drink at dinner one time per week. Or maybe I would get a beer at a friends house and take a sip and leave the rest. Is that what a non-alcoholic does? THEN- it occurred to me- non-alcoholics DON'T even think about that stuff. They don't require limits to their drinking. Setting boundaries is an alcoholic way of thinking. It is our attempt to tell ourselves our drinking isn't out of control.
Ultimately- I will always be an alcoholic.

3 weeks to go...

I have been home for the last week trying to get things together for my departure. I have been staying so busy lately- sooo much to do. I feel like I have accomplished a lot and yet have really barely scratched the surface of the things I want to get done before I go. In three weeks I depart for 19 days of training and then off to the middle east. I should be there around the end of May.
I am very happy to have been at my home the last week. I have lots to do but love laying in my bed watching TV!! I have kept my workouts up and have started back at Hot Yoga. Still more physical training to do to get ready. I wish I was more motivated to work out!!!! I have great ideas- just get stuck in a rut!!!
Alcohol has been more on my mind lately. I don't know why really- maybe just being back in the old surroundings brings back memories of old habits. I am 6 days shy of 10 months of sobriety.

Stress!!!

I am stressed the F*** out! Tomorrow is my last day at work before I go active duty military to prepare for my deployment to Afghanistan.
Of course- that couldn't be enough- now we are sitting here with the fear that we might not even get paid! Stupid politicians!
All this transitional stress has really got my mind feeling a little looney.
Drinking has been on my mind a lot the last day or two. I went to lunch with a co-worker and once again realized how truly easy it must be to just make up your mind that you can have a drink.
Tomorrow I have to say goodbye (for now) to a job I have truly enjoyed with people who are pretty awesome. Change is a pain in the ass.