Sunday, June 20, 2010

I am an alcoholic...

June 20th, 2010
I have been down this path before- several times. I would call myself a functioning alcoholic but I read somewhere that you can't ever really consider yourself "functioning" when you have an addiction. That somehow you are limiting your ability to function in one capacity or another.
I have a job that I am good at, I don't drive drunk, don't forget my kids at the grocery store, my drinking doesn't cause arguments with my spouse, I am happily married, don't black out... none of the typical stories that you hear from people who indulge in their favorite adult beverage.
I do, however, hide my drinking from my husband, spend far too much time sleeping as a result of the my drinking making me feel tired. I become unproductive at home (though I still cook dinner every night). And goodness knows when the health problems of all this alcohol will really start to kick in!
I guess the bottom line is that I really like drinking (hence the addiction part). Over the past 10 years I have spent a majority of my evenings intoxicated. There have been a few stints with sobriety in the last few years- but after a while I would just start to tell myself that because I had showed control for 4-5 months, that I could stop drinking again at anytime. Soooo not the case. After abstaining for quite a while it just became a bigger deal of when I would drink again, and how much longer should I wait.
I am fortunate to have a husband who does not drink at all, so there is not pressure on a daily basis to grab a drink and party.
I have seriously considered going to an A.A. meeting- but would stand a very good chance of losing the job that I have if I ever sought treatment for alcohol addiction. So this blog is my AA. The "Hi, my name is ______, and I am an alcoholic".
Tomorrow, June 21st will mark day one of my journey into healing. The behaviorist in me knows that I need to replace my bad behavior (drinking) with something else. The first time I made an attempt at prolonged sobriety energy drinks were my vice...not so great if you ever want to sleep. So, my list of alternate activities: drink water, read ( actually remember what I read later!), work out (after years of my body metabolizing alcohol before nutrients I definitely have some pounds to lose!), and blog.
I have always said that if I say something out loud, I have to do it- so here I am - saying it out loud.

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