Saturday, June 26, 2010

Breaking the routine and other recent discoveries

Usually, when my husband is out of town I will spend the whole time drinking since I don't have to hide my consumption. This morning it really started to sink in how deeply ingrained those habits are. My husband has been out of town for a few days and I woke up this morning and automatically thought about grabbing a drink.  I am starting to understand how hard it can be to break routines. Drinking had become a routine part of my daily life... On weekends, wake up, have a couple of beers, go back to sleep, wake up, repeat. On weekdays it's stop at the convenience store on the way home, hope I beat my husband in the door so I don't have to sneak it in the house. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out good reasons to go to the store so that I could buy some unnecessary item and hide alcohol somewhere in the bag in case he helped bring in groceries. Reusable 'green' bags were my favorite because you can't see thru them. But I am getting off track. 
I long ago broke the routine of having a drink when I was out to dinner, so that one is done. Now I have to break the routine of heading straight for the wine/liquour aisle when I get groceries. 
I have to find other things to do with all this time I have on my hands now that I am not drinking and sleeping. I have made it to the gym the past 4 days in a row. I have been staring at my computer a lot- like somehow it's going to start entertaining me. I will actually be glad when this short little vacation I am on is over because then I can focus on work again, and really get in to a healthy routine. 
I've also discovered that I am grumpy sober person. Well, at least everyone keeps telling me that I am grumpy lately. All I can do is say "really?, I don't feel gumpy" and keep it moving. I don't want to tell them that I am in one of the biggest fights of my life. I guess thats the difficulty with having been a closet alcoholic for so long. 
On another note- I have been spending a lot of time looking for blogs that might share in some of my early recovery efforts- but it seems that I am finding people who have been sober for years and years or blogs of early recovery that haven't been updated in months and months. I worry for those people and I hope that I will not be one of those. If anyone can direct me to blogs that might offer some support please feel free to point them out for me. 
This is my first attempt at recovery where I really realize I have to stop drinking FOREVER. There will never be a time that I can moderate my drinking. There will never be a time that I can have a drink and then go right back into sobriety. Alcohol is a slippery slope.  If I have 4 months of sobriety and then take a drink, I will be right back into a year of alcoholism. It is much easier to see that clock keep ticking with my minutes of sobriety than to know that I would have to start that over and do these same 125 hours OVER AGAIN. 
Well, I am off for a long weekend out of town (woohoo!) Looking forward to the distraction and getting away from the place where I have built my routines. 

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