I had another dream of relapse the other night. In my dream I had gotten 2 six packs of some lemonadey type malt liquor. I remember the following about the dream: Someone was mad at me for not getting them something from the store. I poured myself a drink in a dark cup and thought before I took a swig that there was no way I was going to restart my counter. I thought about whether I would even post on this blog my big failure. I took a drink telling myself this wasn't even really alcohol and again thought about the timer. Shortly after I walked back in the kitchen knowing that I had messed up.
Taking another drink seems a lot like jumping off a cliff. When you are feeling depressed it may indeed seem like the thing to do- but on the way down you realize that it wasn't the greatest plan. Drinking is my cliff. I may not see the harm to be done initially, but my dreams tell me that I will feel the most incredible regret and disappointment in myself if I take that drink. I still have thoughts of drinking- I don't even know if you can call it desire- but I think about it. I thought about it yesteday on the way home- because I used to like days when work was done early so that I could get in some good drinking time.
On occasion I wish I could drink, other times I don't care at all. Sometimes I can see people drinking on TV and could care less..other times I wonder how I could ever enjoy a vacation or a dinner out without drinking.
I still maintain that taking that initial step to stop drinking was much harder for me than saying no on a daily basis. The thought process I had to go through to begin recovery was difficult. I don't want to have to go through all that again. This keeps me sane and sober. I worry most of all that if I do slip it will be a long time again until I try to get sober again- and at this point, I am quite sure my health and body just can't take it.
Thank you to everyone who leaves me caring words of support. This blog is one of the things that is helping me stay sober.
i think the disease of addiction is so powerful that it infilitrates our being even when we are asleep. i have an awful recurring dream that i am at the coroners and i have to identify my son's body. i have had this same dream/scene on and off for over 4 years now. it seems so real. but then i wake up and realize it was just a nightmare again. i read from my fa literature and can go on again. i think that dream is a reminder to for me to take care of myself b/c i don't know what is going to happen with jack. i can only control me. sorry to ramble here.
ReplyDeletethank you for your lovely comment. i get strength here too. i get patience here. i get inspiration here.
daisy
Thank you so much for this blog. I wish you strength in your daily life. You sound like a strong person. I have a friend who is pretty much in the same situation/time line as you. It helps me to read your blog so I can educate myself and be a healthy support system to her. Take care.
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