I had another dream of relapse the other night. In my dream I had gotten 2 six packs of some lemonadey type malt liquor. I remember the following about the dream: Someone was mad at me for not getting them something from the store. I poured myself a drink in a dark cup and thought before I took a swig that there was no way I was going to restart my counter. I thought about whether I would even post on this blog my big failure. I took a drink telling myself this wasn't even really alcohol and again thought about the timer. Shortly after I walked back in the kitchen knowing that I had messed up.
Taking another drink seems a lot like jumping off a cliff. When you are feeling depressed it may indeed seem like the thing to do- but on the way down you realize that it wasn't the greatest plan. Drinking is my cliff. I may not see the harm to be done initially, but my dreams tell me that I will feel the most incredible regret and disappointment in myself if I take that drink. I still have thoughts of drinking- I don't even know if you can call it desire- but I think about it. I thought about it yesteday on the way home- because I used to like days when work was done early so that I could get in some good drinking time.
On occasion I wish I could drink, other times I don't care at all. Sometimes I can see people drinking on TV and could care less..other times I wonder how I could ever enjoy a vacation or a dinner out without drinking.
I still maintain that taking that initial step to stop drinking was much harder for me than saying no on a daily basis. The thought process I had to go through to begin recovery was difficult. I don't want to have to go through all that again. This keeps me sane and sober. I worry most of all that if I do slip it will be a long time again until I try to get sober again- and at this point, I am quite sure my health and body just can't take it.
Thank you to everyone who leaves me caring words of support. This blog is one of the things that is helping me stay sober.