Thursday, September 9, 2010

Noticing a Change

I reviewed a few of my older blogs and notice a big difference in myself. I feel much more calm and relaxed now.  I am taking some advice and have started to focus on finding some internal peace. My life is in the process of some pretty big changes and I have been having a hard time not focusing solely on myself. It is time for me to stop being so self centered – I am not the only person in the whole world. When I focus on all things “me” life feels so complicated.
I went back to yoga the last two nights and enjoyed the stillness, the meditation, and the breath.  So much has changed in me lately. Though I will be spending a lot more time by myself when I move up to the city during the week, I know I will be a more productive person. Rather than being excited at having so much time to drink I am looking forward to a period of huge productiveness. My husband and I have been in a honeymoon phase for two years now! Opting to stay at home with each other and just enjoy the companionship rather than doing other things that could be putting us a little farther ahead in life. We both have big plans of grand accomplishment over the next year.
Some days alcohol seems like such a difficult thing to avoid, and some days it seems so easy. EVERY day I see the quality of my life improving, I remember how my life was consumed with finding a way to have a drink.  Now I am trying to find things to do to fill my day since I am no longer passed out in bed.
I love my husband- he is such a source of strength. Though he doesn’t know the true nature of my current struggle- we saw something on TV about some alcohol incident somewhere and he asked me how long it had been since I’d had a drink. I told him about 3 months and he told me he was proud of me. Imagine how proud he would be if he knew what a huge challenge it was for me.
I don’t like that he doesn’t know the truth. When I first started in recovery I was just scared to death that he would find out that I had been out of control. As I get farther away from being that person I get much closer to telling him the whole truth about my alcohol abuse. I went over the conversation I would have with him in my head the other night on the way home from yoga.  It brought me to tears. I was so worried about letting him down, and couldn’t stand the idea of him being disappointed in me. I know now that the time is getting closer that I will tell him the true nature of this demon. I will tell him that drinking can ‘t ever be an option for me and he will understand...and life will go on.

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