Anniversary!

Today marks two years that I have been married! I have been blessed to find someone that I get along so well with. Even when he is really making me crazy I still love him- and he can always make me laugh. I think we spend more time giggling and laughing together than either of us ever have in our lives! Even when we talk on the phone we are laughing at/with each other. We have a relationship that other people have often told us they wanted for themselves. Like somehow our relationship is what they are striving for. What an awesome thing to experience by two people who never thought they would get remarried. 


I honestly think my husband is my saving grace. Even though I spent the last few years hiding my drinking from him it was because I didn't want to disappoint him (I hope thats not me rationalizing- it just kind of is what it is). When I first talked to him about my drinking problem he was very supportive- and even when I started drinking again (initially in moderation) he thought I had it under control. I never wanted him to know I had lost control again. He saves me everyday by being a non-drinker. I don't have to worry about coming home to someone who bought a bottle of wine for our anniversary. He never asks me why I'm not having a before dinner drink... or why I chose not to drink on any given outing. To him- not drinking is normal. Having dated plenty of men who did drink like I did- this is such a blessing. Even though he doesn't know how much he helps me everyday- he does. And I know eventually as I keep adding to that sobriety counter that I will be able to tell him that I lost control again and how much I appreciate him just being him. 

Forever ever?

I am having one of those days where I wish there could be some time in the future when I won't be an alcoholic. I had a really good job interview today- and I couldn't help but think if I get the opportunity to travel with this company how hard it might be to be in an airport and not go for drinks at the airport bar. Or to have (or think I can have just one) a glass of wine at happy hour with co-workers, or any number of combinations of experiences that might require I actually use willpower to say no! sigh...
It's moments like these when I have a conversation with myself- Me-  "you have to stop drinking forever!", Me2- "forever ever?" Me-"Forever ever!", Me2- "sob!" 
Side note: 39 days sober and 9 lbs lighter..and really really really going to start training on Monday!

Fear is Overcome with Action

This is one of the quotes that means the most to me- I was reminded of it when reading another blog today. I don't know who wrote it- but I keep it on my fridge for daily inspiration.

Fear is Overcome With Action

Do the thing you fear and fear disappears.

Confront your fears, list them, get to know them and only then will you be able to put them aside and move ahead.

Your obstacles will melt away, if instead of cowering before them, you make up your mind to walk boldly through them.

One of the greatest surprises you'll experience, is when you discover that you can do what you were afraid you couldn't do.

The only thing you have to fear is fear itself. When you face the things that scare you, you open the door to freedom.

Made it through....

I made it through the day. It amazes me how every change that happens in my life becomes a new experience in being sober. When the kids were here I got in the routine of being sober- then I had an overwhelming desire to sink into old habits. So I am re-learning MORE behavior. sigh... but I am sober. Thankfully.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is going to suck. As part of a mutual custody agreement my kids will be going back to stay with their dad. This is the first time they will be leaving and I am not drunk or on my way to being drunk. Instead this time I am wallowing in all my miserableness. Actually feeling stuff really sucks and I hate it. I took them out to eat tonight and really considered ordering a non-alcoholic beer- but I didn't. In the end I just couldn't do it. I didn't really know how it would affect me, or if the tiny amount of alcohol in it would make me feel anything.
I know that a lot (or most?) people in recovery steer way clear of even cooking with alcohol- I haven't done that. I still boil my shrimp in beer and make my clams with white wine. I would probably even eat cake made with alcohol. Is that dumb? Maybe... maybe it is alcoholic rationalization. But I don't go out and search out food only made with alcohol. 
Anyways- I am experiencing all the emotions that go with saying goodbye to my babies (ok- they aren't babies anymore- but they are MY babies!) Tomorrow is going to suck. 

Random

I often find myself signing in to my blog with nothing to write- but somehow gaining strength that I have made the testament to stay sober. Most of the time I check out a few other pages- but most of the time I feel like I am just wandering through the sites. I am rather melancholy today and I wish I had some profound insights or thoughts to write- though I find those fewer and far between. 
I start working out again tomorrow and I know that will help with my stress and moodiness. I have managed to lose about 7 lbs so far without having exerted a whole lot of effort. I actually feel like my metabolism has kicked it up a notch. 

The Monotony of Recovery...

Not that life is boring. At all. It's just that in my world of instant gratification I really just want to be all done recovering and just be ...well... "recovered'. Seems that when I started all of this 30 some days ago I was undergoing a daily struggle just to get home or run errands without stopping for a drink. All of my thoughts surrounded 'not drinking, not drinking, don't take a drink, you can't drink, what the hell am I going to do without a drink?, I really want a drink'!! 
Now that I don't think about drinking every second of every day it surprises me when the urge or the habit of desire shows up. It comes from nowhere. The incredible urge to have wine with seafood, or a beer with some BBQ.  Hell, maybe it's just walking in the house when a burning desire for an Apple Martini hits me. 
My recovery is different this time though- in that I know (I have to say it again, and over and over and over again) I cannot take a drink. I have absolutely no control over my drinking and if I take a drink I will go right back to the horrible habits that I just fought to distance myself from. 
This video makes me laugh. It reminds me of so many things- but when it comes to alcohol- I think I spent a long time standing on a broken escalator expecting someone else to help me. Turns out- the escape was always there.

30 days sober

and counting.... go me!

Setting a goal...

I have decided to start training for a Triathlon (sprint distance). If all goes well (no major injuries) I will try to find one to compete in in appx. 12 weeks.  This promises to be pretty challenging as I have never done anything like this- and am currently fairly out of shape. Time to get my fat ass moving!!!
Today was day one- still standing. 

4 weeks down...

At the end of the day today I will mark 28 days of sobriety. Feels pretty good. A few things have happened over the last day or two that have me wondering how it will all turn out. 

Last night I was chatting on FB with one of my husbands female friends. We haven't met yet, but have talked superficially once in a while. We found out we have a few things in common... but while we were chatting she excused herself for a minute to go refill her wine....Usually thats my line. She went on to tell me how she can't sleep and so she usually just drinks herself to sleep. We also shared our concerns about our body images and so forth. It was like I was talking to myself. It was the first time I could have had the opportunity to talk to someone about their drinking- but I didn't. Not yet anyways. I even asked myself if it was even my place to do that. I mean- I'm not even a month sober...who the hell am I to talk to someone about their drinking problem. You could probably still smell liqour on my breath I'm such a newbie to sobriety! Our conversation was short-but it is one I anticipate we will have again. 

My husband and I are planning a cook-out. This might be the first time I will feel any sort of pressure to drink, and to date it is the only time I feel like it might be a little more difficult to say no. I guess having the foresight to know it might be an issue might help. I just know that once I pick up that bottle it will all be right back to where I started! 

On another note- I have been doing really well with going to the gym and working out. I am definitely starting to feel a lot better about myself. I do notice though, that now that I am not drinking I am a lot more optimistic about keeping the weight off this time. I am also considering starting to train for a triathlon (sprint only) as a way to help keep me motivated. I was initially just thinking about doing a 5k- but I figure I will aim higher and might just pick up a 5K somewhere in the process of my training. I don't have any definite plans to compete- just started on my workout plan. Now that I have all this extra time on my hands. 

Dreams of relapse

I had a dream last night that someone handed me a glass of wine and I took a drink- but when I put the wine in my mouth it occurred to me that I shouldn't/didn't want to cross that line and I spit it out.

Making it through the days

I have a lot of time to think during my commute to and from work. Lately my mind is on my sobriety. Initially I had to concentrate on going straight home and not stopping at a store to get alcohol. Then I started thinking about how hard being sober is, next it was how well I was doing and how much easier it was getting to break the habits and routines. I think a lot about how much better I feel about not drinking, how I am much more likely to go to the gym now, how my memory is better. Lately my thoughts have been all over the place. I really realize how easy it could be to have a drink depending on the circumstances. I think about all those people who work hard to never be around any kind of alcohol at all to avoid any temptation. I am still trying to figure out what kind of sober person I am going to be. 

Currently, I don't crave alcohol. I don't see people drinking and think that I am missing out on something. I don't have a plan to start drinking again....and I don't have a date or goal where I can reward myself with a drink. 

I know in my mind I cannot drink ever again. If I do I know I will go right back in the pit where I was before.

One of my major motivating factors to get sober and stay that way was my weight. I have gained and lost 20-25 pounds over the last 5 years. 3 weeks ago I was at my heaviest weight ever. Drinking has a huge impact on that. I normally consumed less than 1200 calories per day in food and non-alcoholic beverages. When I add alcohol I am sure I consumed well over 3500 calories per day. Needless to say the weight just packed on. I use weight loss as an additional motivation to stay sober. There is no way I can lose weight if I drink. I have always had a pretty body dysmorphic issue. I have succeeded in losing weight in the past when I stopped drinking. The difference those times was that I stopped drinking just to lose weight- not to be sober. 

A Case of the Blahs

I have always liked this song- though I admit I don't totally understand the lyrics, there is something so beautiful and soothing about the it that I have been listening to it tonight. 
My mind is a rather big mess today for whatever reason. I got off work early today and came home to take a nap. Got up and did a little job hunting- but I honestly had a moment where I felt dizzy and unable to think or concentrate. Almost like I was drinking. I hope my memory continues to improve now that I have laid off drinking. 
I'm tired... 

3 weeks sober

I have been sober for three weeks. I am back into sleepy mode- but that could be more from a little depression/stress that I am going thru, rather than being sober. 
I have been going to the gym a lot lately- especially this week. It is definitely becoming a stress reliever for me- today is Sunday- so it's rest day. I am thinking maybe some ice cream with the kids might be in order. 
I wish I had some profound reflections right now, but I don't. Thankfully, I haven't had any recent dreams of relapse. Sometimes I wonder if the stuff I am going thru is "normal" for my stage of recovery. Haven't had the energy to find new recovery blogs to read- but I am thankful to those that I visit. 

UPDATE - 07FEB13: I decided to update this particular post today because "3 Weeks Sober" is by far the most searched and read blog post that I have. When I reread it- I see that it doesn't offer any particular insight or inspiration. 
Today is my birthday. I turned 39. Getting closer to old lady-hood I guess. Today was also one of the worst days I have experienced in quite a long time. One thing after another had my emotions really spiraling out of control. 
I am 4 months shy of 3 years sober....and I plan to stay that way. Out of that time I have spent less time thinking about alcohol than I have spent thinking about it. When I first wrote this blog post on July 11, 2010 I didn't think that was possible. But through all the initial false starts (before I started writing) and the roller coaster of emotions in the beginning I have done pretty well. I am comfortable telling people I don't drink without the need to explain myself to them.  People still ask me how it's "possible to have fun if you don't drink". That phrase seem ridiculous now. I just tell them I make a GREAT designated driver. 
I have managed to stay sober without the help of AA- though my way is only one way to get sober. I suggest you pick one that works best for you (key words there "one that WORKS) whichever that may be. 
So- today was a horrible day. And is some remote part of my mind I asked myself if drinking was an option. (it never is) But one thing that made it easier to push that thought out of my mind was the sheer number of people who have googled "3 weeks sober" and have found me....and then have gone to my front page and saw that I was still sober. I am..sober. and I love it. Truly. Life does get better.
I didn't think there would ever be a time in my life when I didn't want to drink.... and I was scared when I first thought about quitting that I would be missing out on something when I saw other people in a restaurant having a drink. But I'm not, and I don't think like that anymore. 
Today my drink of choice is a Shirley Temple. I didn't have one today- but I will tomorrow when I celebrate my birthday with my kids- sober, happy, and healthy. 

Craving...

I can't downplay the importance of taking it one day at a time. I was thinking to myself as I was driving home today that I have relearned a lot of my bad habits. I was feeling pretty proud of myself about not having the overwhelming desire to have a drink, and how I have stopped needing to count the hours. Went to the gym and came home and had an overwhelming desire to have an apple martini-- bam- out of nowhere. I'm going through a stressful time right now with switching jobs and such- blah blah blah. Don't drink, don't drink, don't drink.
I have really started to love coffee, and POMx Super Tea, and of course my red bull.

Looking forward to the weekend!

All is well.... still sober- 447 hours down! (almost 19 days)

Less focus on the time..more focus on me

I have become less obsessed with watching that clock increase the amount of time I have been sober. I have made it past two weeks now...hooray for me! 
Several things I have noticed- alcohol is not on my mind every second. I have broken several of my habits when it comes to drinking. I have been in several situations where it would have been acceptable, maybe even expected, for me to drink and I didn't. A co-worker today said something about drinking and told her I wasn't drinking anymore. She said "Until.....?" I didn't know what to say. Like somehow saying out loud that I will never drink again seems like I might sabotage myself. I told her I didn't have a timeline- I just wasn't drinking. 
I also realize how easy it would be to fall right back into the routine of drinking. How easy it is to just grab something and end all the time and effort I have put in to staying sober. 
I have a lot more work to do.... But, I focus less on the time, and more on what I am going to do with all the time I now have on my hands. 

Another Victorious Day

I had one of the most wonderful days of my life today. This July 4th was hands down the best 4th of July ever. When I arrived at the BBQ we were invited too I was pretty surprised to see free beer and wine. But, I didn't even really bat an eyelash about not drinking. I didn't have an overwhelming desire to drink, and I didn't get that little panicky feeling that I usually get when I think I might not be able to drink. 
It is almost 3am... I am going to have a nice looong sleep. Sweet dreams everyone.

A Long Weekend

Yay- it's Friday!
My husband has post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as a result of his time serving in Iraq a couple of years ago. There is a direct correlation between him taking his medicine/ participating in therapy and our relationship. When he doesn't take meds (mild anti-depressant/sleep-aid) or go to therapy he becomes very irritable. He doesn't see his behavior as deteriorating as I do. For the record- he takes his medicine almost every night- but if he goes to sleep too late, or has to get up to early he can't take it because it makes it difficult for him to wake up.  Lately, he hasn't been able to take his medicine, as a result we have been having a few tiffs here and there. 
I used to spend a lot of time drinking whenever he was grumpy. Well, I used to spend a lot of time drinking anyway- but I know for sure that I would look straight toward a drink after we argued. 
Well, he's still pissing me off. And I still have those thoughts about drinking. I have to admit though, not drinking is going to be quite a relief this weekend. We will be doing some travelling on the 4th and I don't have to worry about police check-points, or stocking up on alcohol. 
I am close to 12 days (288 hours) of sobriety and I feel like I am on track. I feel that this time I have a different attitude toward sobriety- that it's not supposed to be a punishment- but a reward. On my previous attempts at sobriety I always used alcohol as a reward for making some landmark. I could celebrate with a drink when I hit my 4 month mark, when I lost 10 pounds, when I..... 
I don't think like that anymore. I know now that I can not take a drink. I can not stop once I start. Any consumption of alcohol will just lead to more and more. I do not have the ability to regulate how much I drink, when I drink, or anything that has to do with drinking. 
Happy 4th of July! If you see a military service member make sure to thank them for their service. And if you are military (or used to be) Thank you!

Hubby pissing me off- DEFINITE TRIGGER

My husband and I have a pretty good marriage. I mean- in spite of me hiding my drinking from him- we get along really well. But he pissed me off today- though I am sure it's just me being a silly girl... nevertheless- he did. Normally in moments like this I would just go to the fridge and break out some wine. Today I thought just that- "wow..he really pissed me off- usually I would be grabbing some wine right now." But I didn't- so there is another triumphant step toward prolonged sobriety. Yay me- boo my husband.