1000

Today is my ONE THOUSANDTH day of sobriety. wow.
A little less than 3 years ago I didn't think I would ever get to this point. Not ever. I had no hope that I could stop drinking. My attempts to quit drinking always involved some reward point at which I could start drinking again. When I lose 10 pounds, after three months, When summer time gets here. I was always shooting for some short term goal. I never considered giving up drinking forever until 1000 days ago- from today.  1000 days ago I drank my last drink and probably still drunk- started this blog. I had started other blogs in that drunken haze, crying over my keyboard because I knew my drinking was out of control.
But 1000 days ago I was tired of forgetting, tired of gaining weight, tired of gagging when I brushed my teeth in the morning, tired of hiding my drinking from my husband, tired of losing time with my children, and tired of worrying about how all that poison was ruining my body.
Starting this blog was one of the major things that helped me get through. Seeing that counter everyday was very effective for me. I would never want to have to start that clock over. Not ever.

Revisiting an old post

Today was a super rotten, extra horrible, not so very good day. It also happens to be my birthday.
Rather than write a new post I decided to add an update to an old one found here. My "3 Weeks Sober" post is by far my most googled, read, (and mostly privately in emails) commented on post.
I have tomorrow off- I think I'll sleep in.

I'm In Here....

I'm in here, can anybody see me?

Can anybody help?

I'm in here, a prisoner of history

Can anybody help?

Can't you hear my call?

Are you coming to get me now?

I've been waiting for you to come rescue me

I need you to hold

All of the sadness I can not, living inside of me

I'm crying out, I'm breaking down

I am fearing it all, stuck inside these walls

Tell me there is hope for me

Is anybody out there listening?

I’ve become reluctant to write here lately. Mostly because my struggles are with PTSD and not with alcohol.

I love this song by Sia- her voice is beautiful and the lyrics are meaningful. Songs that have always meant the most to me -  I don’t know how to explain it- but the most meaningful songs are the ones where the lyrics are the person inside of me is singing to the person who is on the outside.  Sia’s words speak to me.

My struggles continue with daily life. I am extraordinarily exhausted most of the time. It makes me sad that I felt so good for a while and now feel like I am back in a pit. I manage to go some lengths of time where I am feeling fine- but any change or conflict is extremely difficult to overcome.

I had the opportunity to speak to a friend of mine who also deployed- only her time was in Iraq. She asked me how I was doing and I told her I was struggling. She shared something with me that I could really relate to. She said that when she got home she felt like she was crazy- she actually wondered if all of the things really happened. Being in a war zone is like living in some surreal place that when you leave you wonder if you were ever there at all- but you have the scars to prove it.

I have started back in hot yoga- something I looked forward to before I went to Afghanistan. I also start shift work next week- which means I will have days off during the week…I am looking forward to that as well.

I hope all is well with all of you. Thank you for the ongoing support. 

Happy New Year

My husband was home from Afghanistan for the holiday season. It was nice to have him here- he flew back yesterday. My Christmas was nice. My "miracle" medication isn't quite as potent, but it has gone a long way to battling my anxiety. I feel good not having to feely dopey and medicated just to function.
My mother sent me a bottle of wine for Christmas. I had to chuckle a little bit. I moved to the east coast 8 years ago to get away from her. I guess we are attempting to fix our relationship but I haven't had a conversation of any substance to let her know I have been sober for over 2 1/2 years. I'll take the bottle to a friend of mine at work. It feels good to not feel like alcohol in the house is some ominous visitor.
My husband tells me all the time how proud he is of me. That makes me feel good.

A Christmas Miracle?

Last week was a terrible week for me. I am transitioning jobs so I had the week off and really wanted to get some stuff done around the house. I made appointments for everyday of the week.
Everything was thrown off though because I had to go to a specialist for a root canal on Monday. Frankly- I don't know why THAT guy calls himself a specialist because there was NOTHING special about HIM!!!! ha!!! I was in pain the entire week. I was a total mess taking vicodin and not wanting to combine that with clonazepam (as I said earlier I inadvertently threw myself into withdrawals).
But something changed. The week before last I saw a new psychiatrist who specializes in PTSD. She tweaked some of my medication and we opted for mail order delivery of my medicine so that I wouldn't have to wait at the pharmacy for hours. Well- it took well over a week to get here.
Friday night, for the first time, I took Gabapentin (brand name Neurontin). Using it for anxiety is an off label use but my psychiatrist said people SWEAR by it. On Saturday morning I took it again and I have to tell you- it was like someone lifted this veil of depression/funk/fog that has been with me for SO long. It feels like a miracle right now. I honestly just can't believe that it worked so fast and so amazingly.
I feel like I am in some movie right now where someone gets a miracle drug and they are all better but they have some horrifying side effect. I'm waiting to grow a third arm or something!!
Anyways, the purpose of my posts are never to recommend medication or advocate for or against there use. I am just telling you that I feel like a new person. Or like the person I used to be.
I have been down for so long that I forgot how I used to feel when I was well. It's amazing. My kids are amazed. I would say I am speechless about it but I don't want to stop talking about how amazing I am feeling right now.
I understand the medication will stabilize- and it's not without it's side effects. But holy cow! I am in such a good place right now that I can't believe it.
I start a new job tomorrow and I am looking forward to it. I have a lot of stuff going on but finally feel like I am up to the challenges that I have coming.
On another note- I don't know how to describe it- but I feel so good right now that it reminded me of the times I used to go out and actually have fun! Always with alcohol involved of course. I wondered if this new/old me would find that challenging. So I am in this with my eyes wide open and alert to continue on my path of sobriety.
I think we'll get our Christmas tree today!

The Whole Truth

None of my doctors know the whole truth about me.  I have only admitted to having a drinking problem to one doctor- on one occasion several years ago. She gave me a prescription to help me stop drinking. I went to the bar while the prescription was being filled (figuring that would be my last drink), and never went back to see her.

I didn’t quit drinking that time. I was too embarrassed to go back there to see her, and have no desire to go back there so she can review my medical record to see that ONE appointment... even though I have been sober for a while now.

I didn’t realize how much of a problem not ever telling a doctor would become. This problem has become a bigger issue lately as I am treated for PTSD. After two years of sobriety I was prescribed clonazepam for anxiety. I’m not an expert but the Dr who prescribed it to me told me to be careful when I took it because it mimicked alcohol- and since I didn’t drink it might impact me more than it did other people. 

I met with another Dr recently for a medication follow-up and she made some tweaks to my medication. I will continue to take clonazepam but add another medication for depression and a more proactive drug for anxiety. (instead of reacting to anxiety by taking clonazepam which I will only take if I have a full blown anxiety attack).

Here is where the problem came in- I have been taking clonazepam for 6 months- and when I stopped taking it on Sunday I didn’t realize I would go through withdrawals.  But I did. I am. I wish I had been more honest with my doctors all along. But I wasn’t. So now I am here- reading all I can about weaning myself off clonazepam.  I had dental work on Monday and was given Vicodin for pain. So I haven’t taken clonazepam because I am super paranoid about mixing medication. It finally hit me last night that my motion sickness and upset stomach wasn’t a result of the vicodin- it was the withdrawal from clonazepam.

I wish I had been honest with a doctor- ANY doctor about being an alcoholic. So I encourage you to find a doctor you can have an honest conversation with about your use of alcohol or drugs. 

Happy Thanksgiving

I am enjoying my time with my family. Life is good.

Anxiety...

I was supposed to travel with work last week. Originally I was scheduled to be gone for 4 weeks and then that changed to 3 weeks. On the day I was scheduled to leave I had an anxiety attack and called my boss and made up a lie about my childcare provider not coming through for me. Since I am on the east coast and Hurricane Sandy was on it's way I got a pass. I doubt I will get another one.
Right now the thought of travelling away from my kids is overwhelming. I am in a desperate rush to find a new job that does not require me to travel.
I feel that I have gotten too dependent on my anxiety medication (even though it's a small dose) so I am taking action. On Monday I am starting my workout plan. My workouts will coincide with the time my son is training for his high school sport- so I have no excuse not to be out and moving too.
I am thankful to be sober. I think back a lot to how I used to handle everything. I think back to waking up and having a drink then falling asleep- then doing it all over again. Now I am emotionally available to my kids and it shows.

Changing Focus

Alcoholism is no longer the main struggle in my life.
I have been officially diagnosed with PTSD. My brain feels like it has betrayed me. Even the smallest amount of stress is unbearable, anxiety is high all the time.
Funny- as I write this I realize how lucky I am to NOT be a drinker anymore. I cannot quantify what is going on inside my mind but I know I am better off than many who attempt to drink away the horrible feelings that they have.
I have an invisible wound that I cannot explain or understand. I just know I am glad I don't have the added issue of drinking.
I am thankful to be sober.

Teased for being sober!?!?!

I had an interesting experience the other day at work. I am known for being a relatively healthy eater and was sitting with a few other co-workers eating lunch. One of the guys from another team came over and sat down for a few minutes.
Now for the record- we all rib each other all the time. But somehow the subject turned to me and he said (rather disdainfully I might add), "you don't drink, do drugs, smoke, or do any tobacco products at all do you?"
I told him "Nope."
 It was an odd situation. I had to reflect a little. Am I a goody two shoes now because I eat healthy and don't drink, smoke, or do drugs??  I just told him "I USED to be the life of the party" and left it at that. Thinking back, I shouldn't have even qualified my intial response. No, I don't drink and I don't feel like I am missing out on life because of that. In fact, all those times I used to drink and get drunk- those are now spent doing things that I actually REMEMBER!!!!

Still moving forward

Life is moving forward. I continue to move along with it in a nice sober state.

Alcoholism is no longer the primary concern in my life as I try to wrap my brain around what is going on in …well… my brain.

When I first got home from Afghanistan I already knew that I was having some issues. I had been having nightmares for almost a year now. The anxiety kicked in around January. I have suffered from depression before- but this is much different than the overwhelming sadness I have felt in the past. Now I just feel a sense of darkness.

The first psychiatrist I visited 3 weeks after I got back to the states prescribed Ambien to sleep, Klonipin for anxiety, and Prazosin for nightmares. I had a pretty good idea that Ambien and Klonipin together was not a great idea so I don’t take much ambient.

I spoke to another psychiatrist on Friday who agreed and moved me to an anti-depressant, kept me on Klonipin with the hopes that the anti-depressant would decrease my anxiety so I could quit that.

I am not a big fan of being on klonipin. I don’t take it unless I am extremely anxious because it reminds me too much of drinking. 

I have another appointment for a PTSD evaluation on Monday.  I don’t even care at this point to put a name on what is going on with me. I just want to feel normal. 

Being a sober role model

I feel removed from alcoholism right now. Usually I feel that little tugging that reminds me that I have to be diligent against drinking.  I am not delusional into thinking that I am no longer an alcoholic, I know that I will always be. But right now it just feels different.

My life has improved significantly since I quit drinking. Now I cannot imagine why I spent so much time drinking myself to sleep. I am enjoying a remarkable relationship with my kids. I know that if I was in my previous routine I would not be spending as much quality time with them.

We are all healing emotionally from being apart the past year.  They went through some difficulties while I was gone and it is wonderful to see them gain self confidence and to see them show their wonderful personalities. I feel like I really am a good role model for them now. I had a conversation with my daughter (who will be off to college next year) and we started talking about drinking and how being drunk in college can increase her chances of being sexually assaulted. I was able, for the first time in my life, to say, “well, you see me that me and your step-father don’t drink, and we have a great time.” She said “yeah, I know!”  It transformed my feelings of being an alcoholic to a sober role model. Amazing.

Focused

Life has taken an interesting twist lately. I have kicked into super mom mode and any of my own personal issues have taken a backseat to the needs of my children. I have them both back with me. Originally my daughter was going to be spending her final year of high school with her father where she has attended the last three years. She spent the summer with me and went back to a less than emotionally supportive situation. After 9 days in the house she called me and I got her on the first plane back to me.
My week since then has been focused on trying to get her into an emotionally stable place. She is resilient and is adapting well. I am glad to have her back with me. I don't think I would be in this place if I hadn't stopped drinking because I don't think I would be so successfully focusing on helping her get better.
While my drinking wasn't a part of the decision to let them for live with their father and step-mother it didn't help me with my parenting. I am glad to have my babies back.

Old Friends

I had lunch with an old friend today. Someone I hadn't seen in about 12 years. When we met I think I was probably drinking every time I saw him. Lunch today was different- I ordered lemonade. It seems small but it is moments like this that let me know I am not worried about perception anymore. I don't care if my old friends know I don't drink anymore. My thinking that I had to be drinking to be "fun" were ridiculous. It does seem silly when I think about it. Why would I spend so much time worried about how other people felt about me being sober? I did though and for a lot of years it was one of my great excuses to keep drinking.

Routine sweet routine

I started work last Friday. What a relief it is to have a routine again. I haven't always needed to have a routine- but it sure is helping my mental health right now.
I have a little flexibility with my work hours and the atmosphere is pretty laid back. I am back in the gym finally- that helps too.
I can't say that I am all better when it comes to my mental health- but it's better this week. Or at least I am busy enough not to dwell on it. In spite of all the stress and anxiety I have been feeling lately I have never thought about drinking. It's amazing to me that I have come that far- to the point where drinking isn't the first thing I think about when life gets out of control.

Back to work

Tomorrow I go back to work. I managed to squeeze out about 2 months off! When I first got home I was moving at 100 mph. I would get up early in the morning and keep moving until late into the night. I worked on the house, made and went to appointments for myself and my kids. 

Then, somewhere along the way I slowed down. The intensity I had when I first got home slowed way down, and lately it's been a challenge to leave the house.  Ironically- I feel so much better when I do leave the house. It's a vicious cycle. I don't think my current emotional state has anything to do with my sobriety. If anything, maintaining my sobriety has been one of the main reasons I have managed to get through this time. 

I think work will stabilize me a lot. Getting back into a routine of getting up in the morning and going to the gym after work will be a big help. 

I am excited and nervous for the change coming up. This job will require travel which causes me some stress because it takes me away from my son. But I will take what I can get right now as this job is a step up in my career. I am happy to be moving forward. 

emotional unrest

My brain feels like it is betraying me.  I have every reason to be happy right now. I have my kids with me and we are having a great time. I have had two months off and start my new job at the end of this week. I am still sober. I have accomplished a tremendous number of tasks since I have been home, and we are getting closer to getting my husband’s life-long dream of having his business off the ground. But my mind is uneasy.

My emotions are relatively limited lately- mostly just frustration. I have a lot of dreams where I am extremely angry and tend to wake up that way. Sleep is elusive, unless I take an Ambien to help me sleep- but that spiral of being so tired that I resort to sleeping pills ends with me feeling sleepy all day- rendering me relatively useless. (just like drinking used to..only now I don’t have the shakes) I can even describe what is going on in my brain...I just feel kind of nutty- for lack of a better word.

I think the psychiatrist got it wrong.  I don’t think the issues I am having are temporary- and I don’t think they are going to go away in 3 months. Hell- I have already been home for 2 months and they just seem worse.  It’s easy to say in the house- but it causes so much torment in my mind when I do it. But driving leaves me confused and feeling lost even when I am not lost.

It’s hard for me to be supportive for my husband in Afghanistan when I am going through such a mental firestorm.  I keep talking about going to the gym and eating right- but have not made up my mind to get it done. I know once I get in that routine I will be fine. I am hoping work evens me out. After having a year of 12-13 hour work days all this free time is really fucking with me.  

One of the keys to my success so far...

I realize one of the keys to my successful sobriety has been to be around other people who don't drink. In particular I am talking about my husband- but it goes beyond just him. My husband is currently deployed and I have my kids with me.  They continue to help me maintain my sobriety.

While thinking about my keys to success I started thinking about a trend that exists in my life. Since I divorced in 2001 I was fortunate to date some really amazing men.  Some of them are still amazing, some are bullets that I definitely dodged (I know this thanks to successful Facebook stalking!). While I was dating I primarily sought out men who weren't interested in a long term relationship (I wasn't looking for one either) so it has been easy throughout the years to maintain a friendship. Not matter how long I go without talking to one of them we don't miss a beat when we pick up a conversation and talk about old times.

Interestingly enough- they have a habit of all contacting me around the same time. Like I have some beacon that puts out a Bat Signal shouting, "I am lonely, vulnerable, bored..." So lately this has been true. I have been receiving emails from some of the men in my past. I realize now that one thing we had in common at the time was a mutual love for drinking.

I don't think they are all alcoholics- they seem to have the ability to know when to stop- a sense I have never possessed. Either way- we spent a lot of time drinking. It's seems strange now to talk to some of them. I don't think I would have been able to stay sober so successfully if I had ended up with one of them. I think the party would have continued to roll right along.

Having a life partner who doesn't drink made this struggle less daunting. Being around someone who doesn't drink has been an integral part of my success. Especially in that first year where the habit of ordering/buying a drink was so strong. While I know there will times that I may be tested before he comes home 8 months from now- I can now (with a lot more conviction) volunteer to the the group D.D. if I decide to hang out with friends who drink.

Keep moving forward...

I wanted to take time to thank everyone for the wonderful words of support and encouragement for my 2 year sobriety anniversary. 

Emotionally I am down today and I shouldn’t be. I guess I shouldn’t be. The last few weeks have been rough. I thought I had a job offer, then it looked like it fell through, and then today it looks like it is finally coming together. I should be happy.

Maybe it’s the transition of everything. From thinking I had a job right away, to facing the reality of unemployment (without actually being able to collect unemployment- that’s a whole other blog), to a husband who has a plan in his head in which he cannot seem to deviate.

I am a person in perpetual motion. If I sit still too long I feel like I get a little nutty. Since I have been home from Afghanistan I have had quite a few emotional and psychological challenges to deal with.  My kids have been here for a couple of weeks now and I am so grateful and blessed to have such awesome kids.

I am going to start really looking for a counselor who specializes in addiction counseling and post traumatic stress disorder.  I am still having high levels of anxiety and I really don’t want to sink into an addiction to anti-anxiety medication and sleeping pills. It starts to make sense though- that maybe my alcoholism was me self medicating through a mental health issue I have probably always had (now made worse by having spent a year in a war zone).

The moral of the story though- I made it two years sober and do not plan on trading alcohol for a medicine cabinet full of pills to compensate for just having emotions.

I have been unable to get into the gym lately because of a surgical procedure I had done 6 weeks ago- but should be cleared for full exercise shortly.

It’s time to set some goals… and keep moving forward. 

2 Years Sober

Today marks my two year sobriety mark. What a wonderful, coherent, non hangover, exercising and eating right, not hiding liquor bottles, kissing my husband because I don't have to hide alcohol on my breath, wide awake, sleeping well, saving money from not drinking, highly functional two years it has been!
I am so grateful to be sober.